Support Come and load off your mental struggles

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
Hey everyone.
Since I don't have people to share and relief my mental issues, I thought it'd be helpful to talk into the anonymous void of the web.

I've been doing therapy for two years now and it has been slowly changing myself. It helped to cope with my anxiety and depression but I'm still a fair bit away from my goal, from being a normal healthy dude.

At my most recent session, my shrink and me decided to do away with antidepressant. Been taking Duloxetin for about 1,5 years. For taking it so long, it didn't lead in me being less of a total social recluse due to agoraphobia, nor do I feel happy to be honest.
On the flip-side, it made me energy-less, tired and scatterbrained. It has become really tough to be focused on anything. Fun or work. Not optimal and I've been wishing to go back to my old self. When I could get lost in a thing for hours, not loosing track of toughts. Dunno how to describe it, it feels like I have become dumber of sorts.

Anyway, the discontinuation of my med is going to be across two weeks where I'll only take it every other day. Yesterday was the first day I didn't take it, today I took.
Only one day but I expectedly am already feeling the effects. Dizziness, unrest, slight headaches, heatwaves etc. Feels like an invisible hand is kneading my brain.

In the past, before therapy, I would have lost myself now quickly into bad thoughts and depression. I did discontinue antidepressant twice year ago, before therapy. It wasn't fun at all. But the things I learned over the past two years are now helping me a lot to cope with the discontuniation. It's still uncomfortable and I have a long way ahead of me but I am hopeful that I am strong and knowledgable enough now to make it.

Yeah, that's about it. I hate being a debbie-downer on Twitter by sharing mental stuff like this, so I stopped using it. And Discord is a similar tale.
But keeping thoughts and experiences in hurts more, so I decided to start this thread.
It's by no means my thread and it's meant to fulfill a similar goal for everyone. I'm aware many have mental stress or issues. So, don't hesitate and share your feelings whenever you feel like it!
 

RionaaM

Vogon Poetry Appreciator
Sep 6, 2018
661
1,581
93
Glad to hear you've reached the point where you can stop taking your medication, even if it's a slow process until you can completely quit it. It's great to hear you're not losing your head anymore. Here's hoping these effects you mention go away soon.

Personally, I was told several times I should try therapy, since I've had these depressive thoughts for a big part of my life, since I was a teenager. No idea if it's depression, anxiety (I get VERY anxious at the smallest of things), a mixture of both or if I'm just a stupid, spoiled and sheltered idiot. Whatever it is, I never went to therapy or anything. Oh well, haha.
 

#Senpai

Meta Man
Dec 5, 2018
1,418
3,363
113
Texas
I've been on Paroxetine (Paxil) for about fifteen years now. I mainly deal with worry and anxiety. It can come at any time, but it usually comes when dealing with finances or work. Debt has been a major issue for me for a long time, so now that we are actually working on it, the anxiety normally stays at bay. The only side effect is it has made me balloon and tired. However, I've changed my diet, stopping drinking, and am going to the gym regularly. I find working out makes me feel really positive.

I'm always here for anyone!
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
Schnitzelfee People care about you. Watching you unable to get out of the spiral you find yourself in frequently, makes them sad.
There is no hate. You're aware how you can be sometimes during your "phases". That's important. Unless you stop liking to be like that by repeating your self-destructive behavioural patterns, folks could feel supporting that bad " you" and take a break.
I think it's part witnessing your periodical descent and becoming sad, and part frustration on the lack of you trying.
But you are trying now, aren't you? Therapy is important. I wish you strength to overcome your issue but please, don't give up and don't give in to solely relying on meds either.
You got this:hugging-face:
 

#Senpai

Meta Man
Dec 5, 2018
1,418
3,363
113
Texas
My wife was always led to believe you didn't need medication for mental illness... or that mental illness wasn't real. Her first experience was rough because of the medication they put her on. It took a lot of get her to try again. She's now been on a medication that works for her for about five years. There is nothing wrong with medication. Schnitzelfee , we are here for you!
 

Pranooy

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sep 8, 2018
65
102
33
Sorry if this doesn't count, but I'm a chronic procrastinator. I just can't get outta the "procastination, stressing out at the last moment, deciding not to do it again and then doing it again" cycle. So far I've barely avoided it wrecking my life, but this can't go on. I dunno how I can escape this cycle. :(
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Sorry if this doesn't count, but I'm a chronic procrastinator. I just can't get outta the "procastination, stressing out at the last moment, deciding not to do it again and then doing it again" cycle. So far I've barely avoided it wrecking my life, but this can't go on. I dunno how I can escape this cycle. :(
everything counts ;)

and yeah - believe it or not, i'm the same :p
 

#Senpai

Meta Man
Dec 5, 2018
1,418
3,363
113
Texas
Sorry if this doesn't count, but I'm a chronic procrastinator. I just can't get outta the "procastination, stressing out at the last moment, deciding not to do it again and then doing it again" cycle. So far I've barely avoided it wrecking my life, but this can't go on. I dunno how I can escape this cycle. :(
EVERYTHING counts, my dude!
 

Anteater

Someone please take me to AA
Sep 20, 2018
334
634
93
Hi I'm anteater and I'm an alcoholic. Guess I'll share my story on alcohol.

I'm going to be straight forward :p I've been a heavy drinker for I think the last decade, never skipped a single weekend, I drank a minimum of 2-3 days per week, sometimes more if I couldn't break out of it, if you saw me being talkative on discord, I was likely drunk. I don't even remember the last time I played a video game sober before yesterday.

Since the summer of last year, I became a full blown functional alcoholic, I basically drank everyday quite literally with maybe a day or two off here and there, I went through 5+ bottles of vodka/gin each week, all the store clerks from the liquor (grocery) stores I frequent recognize me, I drank day in and day out, I drank until I got alcohol myopathy (I think?) where my legs/feet were in pain that I could barely walk at one point, I had to limp to walk my dogs, and I still continued drinking (thankfully this crap went away with time), there was this one time I was supposed to meet my family for dinner and I was still drinking til the afternoon, I woke up sweating and could barely get up, I imagine I was low on blood sugar or whatever so I drank a shitload of juice just to stop the non stop sweating that I tried to soak up with a towel helplessly so I could make it to the restaurant, and I STILL drank after I made it there, I basically wanted to drink myself to death.

Obviously one major cause is depression, but alcohol is a problem itself for me, after all these years I would know, while drinking gave me the "high" I needed, the "rebound" effect with depression was incredibly bad post drinking, which led me to drink more, I drank as soon as I woke up, or I'd be out buying more liquor, and that cycle continues endlessly, I was being literal when I said I wanted to drink myself to death, because that's really how I felt among other thoughts I had, funny because my drunk self was more logical and thought those are bad ideas.

Towards the end of last year, I just thought to myself I probably don't want to die this way, it took a while but finally break out of it and started picking up running/exercising again because that's the only thing that helped me. Before things turned this bad last year I used to run everyday on my non drinking days, I've never skipped a day on my schedule for 3 years straight, because I would feel like shit if I didn't do anything physical, ironically some of this stems from the guilt alcoholism brings, obviously it's not a magic cure that solves all my mental issues but it worked well enough and is a sure fire way to keep me away from drinking, in a way, it just fills in the void. Anyway, I went back and kept up with this schedule for a month.

Then in December I did a dry run and went 7 days without drinking, I was terrified that I would get withdrawal after all these months/years, but it went surprisingly well, I relapsed over the holidays and I went on a drinking spree for 18 days straight, that's when I thought I can't "cut down" on it and I'll probably have to completely get rid of it.

Well here I am, I'm on my 8th day sober. Let's see how long this last. Hopefully things don't go south all of a sudden, I'm still terrified of withdrawal that I read so much about, but it's been days so I imagine I should be safe.

All that being said, I don't regret drinking one bit, it did bring me some happiness, but I can't have it in my life, alcohol itself isn't a problem, but it has turned into one for me. I'm well aware I still have a lot of issues to deal with, and no more fun times for me I guess (I have no urge to do anything when I'm sober, other than running, so that is going to be a problem).

So let's see where this no drinking thing will take me, still got a ways to go. I've made pretty good progress so far, I've gained 18lbs over that 6 months of alcohol abuse, but I've already lost 5lbs the past month,

This ended up a bit long but thanks for reading!
 
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SaviourMK2

A Kamen Rider just passing through
Jan 1, 2019
62
112
33
Lately I've just fallen into a rut of self hatred and loathing, pitying myself. I recently was going over all my bank statements dating back to 2011.
I've always had trouble with finances and that typically stems from my eating problem. When I received a $20,000 settlement from a car hitting me in 2012, I lost most of it within a year (80%), and when you look at my statement, there are things like clothes, movies, toy/collectibles, but when you actually look at it, you see that it's mostly food... pizza, mcdonalds, burger king, subway, chinese, etc...
Then I get a job that's a comfortable $350-360 a week, and even then i'm struggling to make a decent savings, I start to actually make a savings after 2 years of struggling to deal with my eating issue, only to be fired in 2014 (because my manager is a pig who needed me out of the way so he could promote a new girl to the position I should have gotten, simply so he could oogle her), then I applied to unemployment while I looked for new work, and when you look at the statements, it's all the same thing, eating, eating, eating.
FInally after 2 years of struggling I find a job in 2016, and it doesnt pay anything, I used to make roughly short of 200 a week, now I'm currently down to 80-90 a week due to "cuts".
My increased weight from sitting around and eating to compensate, and the heart condition I contracted in late 2014 makes it nearly impossible for me to find real work (I had to reject my friend's offer at the Cumberland Farms he works at for $400 a week because I can't keep up with the fast pace movement they need. Needless to say, my fiance is the breadwinner, and thank god for her because she prevents me from killing myself metaphorically and literally, so her paychecks are our savings and spending money while my chump ones are credit card payments, and she tells me not to think so little of myself because she makes 10x more than I do bi-weekly.
But even with her much bigger paycheck, a savings was always elusive, and food was always a major contributor. It got so bad where I bought an electric scooter just so I can go into stores with her so I don't wear out (I refuse to get handicapped status because I can move, and I can stand but after a few minutes my lower back starts to hurt severely which causes me to breath heavier and puts strain on my chest).
I've always been bullied as a kid up until High School, my parents/teachers where not supportive in my hobbies and ideas and my dream of being a comic/graphic novelist was always shot down as "not being a real job", so I think I've been trying to convince myself that it's because of low self esteem for my problems, but the constant eating and inability to get a savings going (instead of living pay check to paycheck) has put me on my own shit list regardless of what I try and say to myself. It also seems like anytime I think I have the ball rolling something comes along as though to say "FUCK YOU!" and kicks me in the balls (Being fired unjustly and most recently someone stole our credit card and debit card info and over drafted them).


I'm currently on the verge of becoming a lyft driver, hoping being out more will improve me mood as opposed to being home all day and earn more income. But I wont know if it'll be worth it until my application is approved, until then I'm just sitting here, kicking myself for being pathetic.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Well here I am, I'm on my 8th day sober. Let's see how long this last. Hopefully things don't go south all of a sudden, I'm still terrified of withdrawal that I read so much about, but it's been days so I imagine I should be safe.

All that being said, I don't regret drinking one bit, it did bring me some happiness, but I can't have it in my life, alcohol itself isn't a problem, but it has turned into one for me. I'm well aware I still have a lot of issues to deal with, and no more fun times for me I guess (I have no urge to do anything when I'm sober, other than running, so that is going to be a problem).

So let's see where this no drinking thing will take me, still got a ways to go. I've made pretty good progress so far, I've gained 18lbs over that 6 months of alcohol abuse, but I've already lost 5lbs the past month,
keep going, dude! we're proud of you! :)

and good luck, you can do it! :cat-heart-blob:

I'm currently on the verge of becoming a lyft driver, hoping being out more will improve me mood as opposed to being home all day and earn more income. But I wont know if it'll be worth it until my application is approved
hopefully you'll get it ... fingers crossed! 🤞
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
Hi I'm anteater and I'm an alcoholic. Guess I'll share my story on alcohol.
I'm rooting for you Anty. Your dogs and exercising sound like a solid positive effect. I hope they continue to be so.
:hugging-face:
I'm currently on the verge of becoming a lyft driver, hoping being out more will improve me mood as opposed to being home all day and earn more income. But I wont know if it'll be worth it until my application is approved, until then I'm just sitting here, kicking myself for being pathetic.
It's pretty awesome that you're trying to be more active. But your fiance is also right. You don't have to feel bad for your financial contribution. Your partner sounds like a great person. She's there to comfort you during bad times. That's not always to be expected.
Hope the new gig works out for you!:smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
 

JMTHEFOX

Planning to Be a Game Designer
Oct 4, 2018
455
596
93
Brooklyn, NY
This is going to be very concerning but I recently have suicidal thoughts and fear of being a pedophile since I was in my old college. I have friends on Instagram and Facebook who are the same age as myself, but I also have friends that are 14 - 16 years old. I have so much trouble trying to avoid any sexual fantasies with underage children and I feel like total shit doing so. I also have nightmares going to prison fearing that I would commit suicide or getting beaten to death and losing my friends and family.

I am going to seek a counselor at my college and even a therapist to seek help, as well as ending communication with underage girls online and offline forever.
 

RionaaM

Vogon Poetry Appreciator
Sep 6, 2018
661
1,581
93
Thanks for the support. I plan to go to the counselor's office tomorrow.
Wishing you the best. I imagine it must be really hard to admit that you feel this way, and I don't think you're a bad person for having those thoughts you can't stop. It's how you deal with those thoughts that defines who you are. So yes, please do everything you can to get treatment, therapy or whatever it is that professionals recommend, and avoid putting yourself in situations where you might give in to your urges (like you said, removing every underage contact on social media would be a good start).
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
Two weeks now I only take Antidepressiva every other day.
Tonight was rough. Dreamed intensively and woke up drenched in sweat.
Had to stand up, drink etc. Dream was so intense it led to me thinking I was ging to die right there after waking up.
Had a full panic attack. Very uncomfortable and upsetting. Calmed down after a while and went to sleep again.
Now I'm depressed, angry at everything and in a bad mood. Fuck this shit.
I earn less than what welfare receipients get. Not even enough to pay health insurance and therapeut. Damn insurance isn't even paying a dime for therapy. Fucking hate the system.
I'm fucking full of hate. For the lack of my own power. For no Institution giving a flying fuck about me.
Fuck this all. Fuck it.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Two weeks now I only take Antidepressiva every other day.
Tonight was rough. Dreamed intensively and woke up drenched in sweat.
Had to stand up, drink etc. Dream was so intense it led to me thinking I was ging to die right there after waking up.
Had a full panic attack. Very uncomfortable and upsetting. Calmed down after a while and went to sleep again.
Now I'm depressed, angry at everything and in a bad mood. Fuck this shit.
I earn less than what welfare receipients get. Not even enough to pay health insurance and therapeut. Damn insurance isn't even paying a dime for therapy. Fucking hate the system.
I'm fucking full of hate. For the lack of my own power. For no Institution giving a flying fuck about me.
Fuck this all. Fuck it.
i hate capitalism too!

hang in there, Veggie ... hopefully it won't stay that way for much longer

:wd_heart:
 

IBJamon

MetaMember
I saw this thread on my 'latest' feed and thought I'd check it out. First of all, I've gotta say that so many of you are so incredibly brave airing your struggles here. Bravo! Talking about these things can only help make things better. Congrats on this important step!

It's sort of ironic that our default natural reaction when we are stuck in a terrible place is to try to buck up and deal with it ourselves rather than get help from others, when the only way we can really pull out of this is by working through our troubles with others. A prime example is that people in a faith community often stop going to church/etc. when they struggle, with faith or otherwise, when they really need to double down and ask for help instead.

If any of you are part of such a community, I would strongly encourage you to seek additional assistance there. Having people around you who care, outside of those who 'have to' can make a huge difference in success. Whether that's people praying with you, AA, or what have you, it can really help. After all, "And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. "

My prayers are with you all.

(P.S. If you are not a person of any faith, no offense is intended. I hope you still find words of encouragement here.)
 

Monooboe

Vagabond Perv Photographer
Oct 10, 2018
1,607
3,253
113
40
Paris, France
www.fancierlust.com
Sad to see all the struggles you all are having, but also great of you all to share and support each other!

I can also share the mess that is my life, and it's an immense mess! Been struggling with depression for the longest time, weight issues and financial ruin, but those aren't even the worsts parts, I'm currently homeless since little over a year, I'm in Paris pursuing my dreams to become an erotic photographer(pretensions pornographer).

Not all is doom. I've lost 30kgs since a few years and haven't at least gained it back yet, will continue with gym once I start having some money. I do see a psychiatrist every week and she is great, but she really does have it tough with me haha. I photograph every day and try to just keep up practise and figure out how to be productive towards my goals even if I can't do what I really want to do.
 

Copons

MetaMember
Nov 12, 2018
201
555
93
Brighton, UK
Fun little pickle I'm in: figuring out how to be a parent with zero paternal attitude, or will, or even wish.
I've got this tiny little screaming thing in my hands 12 hours a day, and I feel nothing. Just, like, can't wait she's old enough to shut the fuck up while me and the missus go out for a dinner and a couple of beers.
I mean I knew I wouldn't have been a proper father figure, but fuck me I couldn't have imagined I'd have been a full blank. Well at least I don't have any harming impulses going on.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Well at least I don't have any harming impulses going on.
that's a start ... and yeah, hope you can somehow manage, man

i personally know i'll never be a parent - i just don't like kids, never did
 

Copons

MetaMember
Nov 12, 2018
201
555
93
Brighton, UK
that's a start ... and yeah, hope you can somehow manage, man

i personally know i'll never be a parent - i just don't like kids, never did
Yeah.
There were reasons, and still are, and they are valid enough imho.
But it's still fucking rough and I wonder how I'm going to deal, years down the road, with all the resentment I'm inevitably going to bottle up.
Oh well, finger crossed she stops being such a pain in the butt asap, and turns into a more pleasant baby that I can go back doing my shit while carrying her along.
 
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lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
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Yeah.
There were reasons, and still are, and they are valid enough imho.
But it's still fucking rough and I wonder how I'm going to deal, years down the road, with all the resentment I'm inevitably going to bottle up.
Oh well, finger crossed she stops being such a pain in the butt asap, and turns into a more pleasant baby that I can go back doing my shit while carrying her along.
good luck, man :) you can do it!
 
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IBJamon

MetaMember
Kids are a huge blessing. Just do you best to give them your best and as they get older they get less pressingly needy (their needs change to emotional, rather than every waking moment). Your own kids will certainly grow on you. They are not fun at all for the first few months, but it won't take long before those smiles melt your heart. Trust me, it gets better. :) (I have 3 kids, two of whom are teenagers.)
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
Not feeling too well. Therapy has been disappointing me recently and that's taking so much hope and optimism for it away.
I have no idea what I'll do if this won't help and fear the worst.
 

Blizniak

MetaMember
Sep 19, 2018
245
445
63
Not feeling too well. Therapy has been disappointing me recently and that's taking so much hope and optimism for it away.
I have no idea what I'll do if this won't help and fear the worst.
Don't get ahead of yourself.
Therapy has it's ups and downs like everything else so you won't always be making progress and that's OK too. Ask yourself if things are better than before you started and I don't mean just making huge strides, every single small thing counts. Unless of course you don't think your therapist is the right person to help you, in that case it might be worth looking for someone else but either way make sure you discuss this with them first.
 

Frecklestein

Tender, Violent and Queer.
Oct 23, 2018
219
566
93
I feel really low. In spite of a lot of moving forward past my divorce, it really hurts. The loneliness is crippling. The good days are great, but when it hits, it hits hard. I've got a long road and challenge ahead of me and I'm motivated right now, but I don't have a support system to help keep my spirits up, to keep me motivated and happy. I have this strong momentum behind me, in my core and I want to take off. But I can't.

I don't want to start a life by myself here. But going back to Canada makes it feel so final. And I don't wanna lose my cat to my ex. She's my baby... I don't want to go back to that shitty situation I used to be in as this new and positively changed and grown person. But there's nothing left for me here anymore either.

I feel like it's a joke. I'm 27 and lost so many years to crippling mental health and it took the end of my marriage for me to realize how strong I truly am. And now that I am ready to take on the world, the world feels like it's left me behind. I'm so scared and alone out here by myself. It's been nearly two months of this. I just want to feel loved and validated and cared for.

I'm just really scared. I don't plan on acting on it, but the severe conflict in my core of unwanted suicidal thoughts with the me that wants a better life is agonizing.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
I feel really low. In spite of a lot of moving forward past my divorce, it really hurts. The loneliness is crippling. The good days are great, but when it hits, it hits hard. I've got a long road and challenge ahead of me and I'm motivated right now, but I don't have a support system to help keep my spirits up, to keep me motivated and happy. I have this strong momentum behind me, in my core and I want to take off. But I can't.

I don't want to start a life by myself here. But going back to Canada makes it feel so final. And I don't wanna lose my cat to my ex. She's my baby... I don't want to go back to that shitty situation I used to be in as this new and positively changed and grown person. But there's nothing left for me here anymore either.

I feel like it's a joke. I'm 27 and lost so many years to crippling mental health and it took the end of my marriage for me to realize how strong I truly am. And now that I am ready to take on the world, the world feels like it's left me behind. I'm so scared and alone out here by myself. It's been nearly two months of this. I just want to feel loved and validated and cared for.

I'm just really scared. I don't plan on acting on it, but the severe conflict in my core of unwanted suicidal thoughts with the me that wants a better life is agonizing.
damn dude ... that really sucks :( but hey - at least you're not giving up, that's important! and you can always talk to us if you want :) hang in there, it can only get better from now on!

 

Monooboe

Vagabond Perv Photographer
Oct 10, 2018
1,607
3,253
113
40
Paris, France
www.fancierlust.com
I've started to visible make my psychiatrist happy with my progress.XD So that's a good sign. It took me trying to figure out why my photography isn't what I want it to be to get to the core of why I'm so broken. Better late than never, I'm going to be the big 40 in a month so feels like I should have had somewhat self knowledge by now.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
I've started to visible make my psychiatrist happy with my progress.XD So that's a good sign. It took me trying to figure out why my photography isn't what I want it to be to get to the core of why I'm so broken. Better late than never, I'm going to be the big 40 in a month so feels like I should have had somewhat self knowledge by now.
congrats! :D
 
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Blizniak

MetaMember
Sep 19, 2018
245
445
63
I've started to visible make my psychiatrist happy with my progress.XD So that's a good sign. It took me trying to figure out why my photography isn't what I want it to be to get to the core of why I'm so broken. Better late than never, I'm going to be the big 40 in a month so feels like I should have had somewhat self knowledge by now.
That's awesome! Keep it up.
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
266
661
93
I feel really low. In spite of a lot of moving forward past my divorce, it really hurts. The loneliness is crippling. The good days are great, but when it hits, it hits hard. I've got a long road and challenge ahead of me and I'm motivated right now, but I don't have a support system to help keep my spirits up, to keep me motivated and happy. I have this strong momentum behind me, in my core and I want to take off. But I can't.

I don't want to start a life by myself here. But going back to Canada makes it feel so final. And I don't wanna lose my cat to my ex. She's my baby... I don't want to go back to that shitty situation I used to be in as this new and positively changed and grown person. But there's nothing left for me here anymore either.

I feel like it's a joke. I'm 27 and lost so many years to crippling mental health and it took the end of my marriage for me to realize how strong I truly am. And now that I am ready to take on the world, the world feels like it's left me behind. I'm so scared and alone out here by myself. It's been nearly two months of this. I just want to feel loved and validated and cared for.

I'm just really scared. I don't plan on acting on it, but the severe conflict in my core of unwanted suicidal thoughts with the me that wants a better life is agonizing.
Wish you best! You have a great and strong attitude, so that's very helpful.
I've started to visible make my psychiatrist happy with my progress.XD So that's a good sign. It took me trying to figure out why my photography isn't what I want it to be to get to the core of why I'm so broken. Better late than never, I'm going to be the big 40 in a month so feels like I should have had somewhat self knowledge by now.
That's great to hear. Becoming aware of change is an awesome sign of progress.
 

fsdood

Junior Member
Jan 9, 2019
465
441
63
Have been feeling like shit for the past 2 to 3 weeks or so, after a year or two of not feeling cripplingly depressed. I keep telling myself to try and study a lot (8-10 hours everyday even on weekends) but I burn out easily after like 3 to 5 hours and I can't retain the information as much as I thought, especially in programming. Living alone, studying, trying to budget, being way too frugal just so I put extra money in savings in case things go wrong, stressing out about exams, having no one to talk to, etc. It made me realize how so many people got their shit together while I'm still in my mid 20s trying to do something but I keep getting paralyzed by fear or depression and how I will never amount to anything in life.

I haven't even finished my degree and I'll finish it in 2020 or 2021 when I catch up on my core classes in every semester term (even summer) if things progress smoothly but who knows, I just hope that tuition prices get fucking cheaper. There are times where I feel I shouldn't exist or am a nuisance to the people around me because I waste money, and even when they tell me they don't mind hearing about my mental struggles or will pay for my expenses, I know that they get uncomfortable so I stop talking about it and pretend everything is normal. I called a crisis line when I had massive anxiety and stress but I felt I got nothing out of it.

Went to a mental counselor and tried to get help. Other then the usual advice that I try to improve on(sleep, diet, exercise), I'll probably gonna get diagnosed by a psychiatrist for anti-depressants and seek accessibility help so that I don't feel overwhelmed in classes, . Honestly makes me feel I'm not smart enough or that there's something wrong with me, and thinking about makes me wonder if I'll continue to be a failure once I grow older this year. Maybe I'll finally fix myself up and can show my family and friends that I'm not a failure, but I have said the same thing for years now, Doesn't help that I come from a place that's always been demonized by western media and it sure as hell didn't help my self-esteem or how I get low key racist comments from time to time. I'm sorry for rambling but a lot is on my mind and I feel that I'm trapped. I just hope tomorrow gets better.
 

lashman

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Sep 5, 2018
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I'll probably gonna get diagnosed by a psychiatrist for anti-depressants and seek accessibility help so that I don't feel overwhelmed in classes,
that might not be a bad idea actually

Honestly makes me feel I'm not smart enough or that there's something wrong with me
this is ABSOLUTELY not true! don't ever think like that ... it just isn't
 

fsdood

Junior Member
Jan 9, 2019
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this is ABSOLUTELY not true! don't ever think like that ... it just isn't
I dunno man, kinda hard not to feel that way when everyone around me seem to understand the material better or have great future prospects and don't have cases of brain fog like I do... I know it's a problem and it'll make me have self fulfilling prophecy if I continue to think that way, so I'll try and stay positive, but it's really really hard when I loathe myself too much.
 
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lashman

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Sep 5, 2018
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I dunno man, kinda hard not to feel that way when everyone around me seem to understand the material better or have great future prospects and don't have cases of brain fog like I do... I know it's a problem and it'll make me have self fulfilling prophecy if I continue to think that way, so I'll try and stay positive, but it's really really hard when I loathe myself too much.
trust me, i know the feeling

but i also know - it will never EVER be true
 
OP
freshVeggie

freshVeggie

ghost
Sep 7, 2018
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study a lot (8-10 hours everyday even on weekends) but I burn out easily after like 3 to 5 hours and I can't retain the information as much as I thought, especially in programming.
That's a pretty heavy regiment you're adhering to. Increasing your schedule is not always the smartest way to get more out of it. You might want to check out different learning methods (as in time-based).

It made me realize how so many people got their shit together while I'm still in my mid 20s trying to do something but I keep getting paralyzed by fear or depression and how I will never amount to anything in life.
You already know but please, don't continue with these thoughts. Because they are in the end just your thoughts, not reality. Your perception and judgement of others, yourself and life goes through a skewed filter. Remind yourself every single time thoughts like that creep up. Like you said yourself, people in trouble tend to become masters of appearing normal. I bet you my undies many of the people you believe to have "figured it all out" are just as hurting as you.


Went to a mental counselor and tried to get help. Other then the usual advice that I try to improve on(sleep, diet, exercise), I'll probably gonna get diagnosed by a psychiatrist for anti-depressants and seek accessibility help so that I don't feel overwhelmed in classes, . Honestly makes me feel I'm not smart enough or that there's something wrong with me, and thinking about makes me wonder if I'll continue to be a failure once I grow older this year. Maybe I'll finally fix myself up and can show my family and friends that I'm not a failure, but I have said the same thing for years now, Doesn't help that I come from a place that's always been demonized by western media and it sure as hell didn't help my self-esteem or how I get low key racist comments from time to time. I'm sorry for rambling but a lot is on my mind and I feel that I'm trapped. I just hope tomorrow gets better.
It sucks not getting the results from professionals one wants, I know, but with psych issues, it's probably one of the most subject-specific things. Don't give up on searching and trying. You will find someone who's able to communicate on your frequency.
 
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Tizoc

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Oct 11, 2018
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This is too simple to call a mental struggle but I didn't want to post it in the usual discussion thread in Gaming :V

I've been thinking of playing DMC5 soon, but will postpone that because
1- I have a college course that I'm slowly getting used to the subjects of
2- I'm in the process of trying to transition to a new job or position
3- I'd rather save it til after I finish my course's semister by which time I'm hoping my work prospects may improve

Plus I want to stream it so my cousin sees me flail terribly at this game :V I'd rather do it when I feel more positive about myself.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
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This is too simple to call a mental struggle but I didn't want to post it in the usual discussion thread in Gaming :V

I've been thinking of playing DMC5 soon, but will postpone that because
1- I have a college course that I'm slowly getting used to the subjects of
2- I'm in the process of trying to transition to a new job or position
3- I'd rather save it til after I finish my course's semister by which time I'm hoping my work prospects may improve

Plus I want to stream it so my cousin sees me flail terribly at this game :V I'd rather do it when I feel more positive about myself.
wait then .... it's not like we have to finish games as soon as they're out ... i know i don't (to the extreme, lol ... still haven't finished TW3 ... and i've had it instaled since launch)
 
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