I've had FF Type-0 on my HDD for YEARS, I plan on doing that someday. The only games I'm doing atm are short games or stuff I can finish quickly to delete from my D drive to save space.
Support Come and load off your mental struggles
- Thread starter freshVeggie
- Start date
yeah, that's pretty much where i'm at right now as well ... just play whatever i have a real chance of finishing this decade
It sucks so much that depression is so damn adaptive. Even when life has gotten better and I've made good progress at the psychiatrist... Still I crash and feel like my disappearing is the only inevitable thing I have to do.
OP
- Thread Starter
- #55
In my last therapy session, we came to an important revelation. It turns out, I have been hurting myself a lot by always relegating myself into non-priority status by forcing me to do what others want or expect. I never do things for my own good and barely know what it means to love myself.
This has been going on for my whole life essentially, but knowing is crucial to improving. Send me prayers, wishes, luck, good vibes and whatever else positive feelings you can spare folks.
This has been going on for my whole life essentially, but knowing is crucial to improving. Send me prayers, wishes, luck, good vibes and whatever else positive feelings you can spare folks.
You ever go out into the city with your best friend, enjoying the city and some bars, laughing all the way, feeling welcome and at home and then you wake up and realize he's been dead for 6 years? 
I'd rather have nightmares again than this, at least those I can forget about.
I'd rather have nightmares again than this, at least those I can forget about.
damn, sorry to hear that manYou ever go out into the city with your best friend, enjoying the city and some bars, laughing all the way, feeling welcome and at home and then you wake up and realize he's been dead for 6 years?
I'd rather have nightmares again than this, at least those I can forget about.
Yo if I can go a year without drinking
I can probably go a month without buying a steam game, right?
I gotta save up for something, right?
I can probably go a month without buying a steam game, right?
I gotta save up for something, right?
Well I'm not gonna lie, I went 2 months and a half without drinking but I've been pressing F5 more than usual on isthereanydeal
OP
- Thread Starter
- #62
Been getting suffocating anxiety for the last 10 days or so. It doesn't peak like a normal panic attack so it's a mighty unpleasant experience I tell ya.
That's bad, man. Really sorry. Can't even imagine how it must be. Hope you find a way to get a healthy closureYou ever go out into the city with your best friend, enjoying the city and some bars, laughing all the way, feeling welcome and at home and then you wake up and realize he's been dead for 6 years?
I'd rather have nightmares again than this, at least those I can forget about.
Congrats to both of you!
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Been getting suffocating anxiety for the last 10 days or so. It doesn't peak like a normal panic attack so it's a mighty unpleasant experience I tell ya.
OP
Don't think i ever will, but thanks, i appreciate the sentiment.That's bad, man. Really sorry. Can't even imagine how it must be. Hope you find a way to get a healthy closure
OP
- Thread Starter
- #67
Sucks bad atm. No appetite, getting hot and cold. heavy unrest.
Had therapy on Friday and this is the result.
Can I never get better? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Had therapy on Friday and this is the result.
Can I never get better? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yeah sometimes therapy can set loose things and it feels horrible afterwards. I think that's all part of the process and it does get better and easier to handle those post periods.
Hi, I'm Blizniak and I suffer from depression and social anxiety disorder. I've followed this thread since it's inception but this week I feel fantastic so I finally have enough courage to openly say I have issues as well. I've dealt with depression for close to 20 years now and social anxiety for pretty much my entire life.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now after panic attacks finally scared me enough to seek professional help, found a great therapist about 6months later. I'm obviously lucky because psychiatric help is free in my country even if you don't have any kind of insurance and parents support me financially with therapy despite their doubts about the whole thing. I know not everyone will be in a similar position.
I don't really have much more to say about it right now so I thought I'd share some general advice.
Don't be afraid to see a psychiatrist. Meds are absolutely not a solution but they can help make all the work that awaits you a tiny bit easier.
I still have better and worse days but I've learned you can force good days to happen, do not wait for a mythical better day when you will feel motivated to do something to come on it's own. Do something even if you have to force yourself to do it and a better day will follow.
When you manage to do something take the time to appreciate your achievement, no matter how small it may be. Don't forget to celebrate them because if you only concentrate on how things are seemingly back to square one during your worse days it'll be more difficult to snap out of it.
Lastly know that it can get better. I went to therapy for the first time like a decade ago. I was in terrible shape, close to suicide and it took me almost a year to finally believe that things can change, that I can make things better. Yeah things fell apart later but that was due to many different circumstances not all of which were within my control. Still I went back for help and since then I went back to college (even though I flunked the semester I actually managed to attend for the entirety of it and even pass some exams, I know I can do better next time), I'm still struggling with applying for jobs but I already tried a couple times and I will try more in the future. Hell, I've been visiting friends lately even if it's awkward for everyone involved. It really does get better if you let it.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now after panic attacks finally scared me enough to seek professional help, found a great therapist about 6months later. I'm obviously lucky because psychiatric help is free in my country even if you don't have any kind of insurance and parents support me financially with therapy despite their doubts about the whole thing. I know not everyone will be in a similar position.
I don't really have much more to say about it right now so I thought I'd share some general advice.
Don't be afraid to see a psychiatrist. Meds are absolutely not a solution but they can help make all the work that awaits you a tiny bit easier.
I still have better and worse days but I've learned you can force good days to happen, do not wait for a mythical better day when you will feel motivated to do something to come on it's own. Do something even if you have to force yourself to do it and a better day will follow.
When you manage to do something take the time to appreciate your achievement, no matter how small it may be. Don't forget to celebrate them because if you only concentrate on how things are seemingly back to square one during your worse days it'll be more difficult to snap out of it.
Lastly know that it can get better. I went to therapy for the first time like a decade ago. I was in terrible shape, close to suicide and it took me almost a year to finally believe that things can change, that I can make things better. Yeah things fell apart later but that was due to many different circumstances not all of which were within my control. Still I went back for help and since then I went back to college (even though I flunked the semester I actually managed to attend for the entirety of it and even pass some exams, I know I can do better next time), I'm still struggling with applying for jobs but I already tried a couple times and I will try more in the future. Hell, I've been visiting friends lately even if it's awkward for everyone involved. It really does get better if you let it.
I've been completely empty and numb for awhile now and my psychiatrist think I need to start feeling, even if that brings with it the old feelings of isolation, Abandonment and suicidal determination. But a step I have to take to even start to feeling anything good again.
hang in there, man .... hope you'll feel better soonI've been completely empty and numb for awhile now and my psychiatrist think I need to start feeling, even if that brings with it the old feelings of isolation, Abandonment and suicidal determination. But a step I have to take to even start to feeling anything good again.
Thanks!
Pretty sure it won't be soon, but that's ok, takes time to build a good foundation.
Ugh life really wants to kick you when you have little peace doesn't it? I'm in a period when I feel so incredibly alone and of course just then a girl I dated keeps contacting me trying to forcefully "friend zone" me when I actively tell her that no I only want something serious and she just tell sme "we can be friends and move past that" and that both makes me feel like shit and even more alone. And when I finally have little stability in my money situation I get a call that a fine I got for sneaking onto the metro now will go to the state so my debts keeps growing and growing.
Sorry for rant.XD
Sorry for rant.XD
Hey folks. lashman pointed me toward this thread and it seems extremely helpful and welcoming so I'll probably be popping in from time to time.
I too struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts and these last couple days have been especially rough as May was getting closer. A little over a week from now will be two years since my brother took his own life. It was so sudden when it happened and I didn't even know until my other brother informed me. He struggled quite a bit when it came to finding a stable job and had spent a few years in jail for theft, but he was always one of the friendliest people you knew.
Now in the two years since I always have that worry in the back of my mind, is that going to be me in six years when I'm the age he was? Sooner? What makes it worse is that outside of the jail part the two of us have had very similar lives. And I get that it's not a time bomb or switch that has a set timer.. still doesn't make it any less scary.
I too struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts and these last couple days have been especially rough as May was getting closer. A little over a week from now will be two years since my brother took his own life. It was so sudden when it happened and I didn't even know until my other brother informed me. He struggled quite a bit when it came to finding a stable job and had spent a few years in jail for theft, but he was always one of the friendliest people you knew.
Now in the two years since I always have that worry in the back of my mind, is that going to be me in six years when I'm the age he was? Sooner? What makes it worse is that outside of the jail part the two of us have had very similar lives. And I get that it's not a time bomb or switch that has a set timer.. still doesn't make it any less scary.
I just dunno where to start, really. I've had problems with depression for a long time, almost 10 years now, When my problems started, i also talked to a psychiatrist a couple times, but i stopped going there, mostly because of shame. We also have problems with mental illness in my family (half-sister who has been in a psych ward for years at a time), so i just didn't want to worry my dad.
So, what has happened since then..? I worked at a supermarket for 4 years, everything worked fine in the beginning, but as time went on i stopped caring for my job. Didn't work extra shifts, and just stopped spending time with my co-workers after work. Also ended up breaking all contact with my friends. people i had known since my childhood.
Now, i have nothing left other than my mom, dad and younger brother who i take care of. Also got my cat, Pekko, who is there for me when i'm down.
I've lost all interest in stuff i found fun before, games, movies, anime and music.. I don't do anything on my free time anymore. I keep on buying games on steam etc, but i never end up finishing anything i buy.
I had a couple online friends, but they ended up removing and blocking me since they found me strange, and i fully understand why they did that.
So, at this point i just don't know anymore, to be honest, i don't enjoy living, and i haven't for a long time, but i'm not going to do anything stupid to hurt my family.
When i joined the metacouncil forum a couple weeks ago, i was hyped, but deep inside i knew that it would end up with me just posting a couple times, and then just disappear. I just have nothing interesting to talk about.. i love reading the forums, seeing people have a great time, talking about everything...
There's been times that i've been ready to reply to a thread, but i ended up not being happy with what i had to say, so i just didn't reply at all.
I'll just stop here, sorry for the long post about me.
So, what has happened since then..? I worked at a supermarket for 4 years, everything worked fine in the beginning, but as time went on i stopped caring for my job. Didn't work extra shifts, and just stopped spending time with my co-workers after work. Also ended up breaking all contact with my friends. people i had known since my childhood.
Now, i have nothing left other than my mom, dad and younger brother who i take care of. Also got my cat, Pekko, who is there for me when i'm down.
I've lost all interest in stuff i found fun before, games, movies, anime and music.. I don't do anything on my free time anymore. I keep on buying games on steam etc, but i never end up finishing anything i buy.
I had a couple online friends, but they ended up removing and blocking me since they found me strange, and i fully understand why they did that.
So, at this point i just don't know anymore, to be honest, i don't enjoy living, and i haven't for a long time, but i'm not going to do anything stupid to hurt my family.
When i joined the metacouncil forum a couple weeks ago, i was hyped, but deep inside i knew that it would end up with me just posting a couple times, and then just disappear. I just have nothing interesting to talk about.. i love reading the forums, seeing people have a great time, talking about everything...
There's been times that i've been ready to reply to a thread, but i ended up not being happy with what i had to say, so i just didn't reply at all.
I'll just stop here, sorry for the long post about me.
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These are feelings and experiences I know all too well. I haven't been to a psychiatrist in a few years and partly due to shame as well, but for me it was mostly due to literally not being able to work out time. I don't drive and never really had reliable transportation. Public transit also isn't much of a thing where I'm at. And mental illness is pretty common on my dad's side of the family. My dad dealt with it, at least two of my brothers do/did and at least one uncle and cousin. All to varying degrees, but depression is the biggest problem.
I have one friend left from childhood and I worry every day that I'll somehow screw that relationship up despite knowing deep down it would take a monumental dumb move on my part for that to happen. He and I are so similar that he's practically another brother to me. But with him being a guy with a wife and three kids there's always that moment of, "I should really just leave them be. They don't need to deal with me right now whether I'm having a good day or not."
Outside of him the only person I can really turn to is my mom. I lost my dad to a stroke 12 years ago.. one week before Christmas. Which after that happened I dropped out of college so that I could help out around the farm since there was no way my mom could handle it alone. And it's actually my uncle's farm, but he remarried a few years ago and moved in with her. So two houses, a bunch of acres of land and two large crop fields that need to be taken care of. While the actual farming is mostly handled by a third party that my uncle has been working with for decades there's still plenty that has to be done. Repairs, mowing (by hand I might add, the riding mower broke years ago), landscaping and once he realized I was technologically savvy I sort of became the on-site IT guy. And for anyone curious.. no, I barely make any money for doing all of that.
I'm 32 now and still live at home. There's plans to finally get out of here sometime within the next year, but we'll see. All I can do is remain hopeful. Which there is finally a bright spot in favor of it actually happening and that is since I took over the handling of my mom's finances a couple years ago I have dug her out of debt for the first time in her life. I helped her get and pay off a car, the first one she's actually been able to call hers since she was a teenager. And her credit is almost out of fair and into good territory along with actually having thousands in savings, again a first for her.
Of course with me being me I always undervalue my self-worth and can never appreciate things I've accomplished. Some things come easy to me and because of that it doesn't feel like work. The shower pipes burst in January and I fixed them? No biggie. Your computer is having trouble connecting to the internet and you have a ton of viruses? Nah, don't worry about paying me. It was easy, got it done in about 20 minutes.
That's something I've been trying to solve. To realize that maybe I do make some difference in my own small way.
You're not alone with that feeling. I thought about joining for months. Came close a couple times and would close the browser before completing the process. I'm a random dude from the middle of nowhere Indiana.. what could I possibly talk about? There's folks who are far more eloquent than I could ever hope to be. And I too have thought about disappearing a couple times. It's something I've done on forums before. This is the first one that I've made it past 60 or so posts.
What helped me was finding the pet thread. It's something I'm passionate about and it's hard not to smile seeing all of those adorable faces. Since then I've been able to branch out a bit more and open up.
Of course that's not going to be the solution for everyone and everyone has their own passions and likes. No one should feel forced to post. As long as you are sticking around and reading that's cool too. There's always time to jump in later if you feel up to it.
fuck ... i'm SO sorry to hear that, man
fuck ... a FUUUUUUCK capitalism for doing shit like that to people .... seriously!
don't ever feel like what you have to say isn't worth posting .... because it ALWAYS is!
even if it's short ... it's still your opinion and you should never feel bad or scared about posting it and trust me - it definitely WILL be interesting (going by your current posts, no matter how few) ... and hey, if you don't like it after you post it - you can always edit the post
To those a bit apprehensive about posting, don't be. As lashman said you'd be surprised what conversations can be started with a small post in a thread. If you really don't think you have much to add but agree with a post then that's what the like button is for. I use it often.
As for having nothing interesting to say, poppycock! Start small and work up. We've got threads for books, comics, wrestling, music, pets for example and if there isn't a thread about something you've an interest in or are considering taking up then mention your idea in a thread and see who else pops up and expresses an interest and start a thread about it. There's lots of topic threads we don't have so there's plenty of scope for new ideas.
Simple steps like going into the photography thread to ask about taking photos with your phone, take some pictures and post in the pets thread even if it's of the birds and the bird table in your garden.
Also, don't stress about it. This place is supposed to be fun and easy to use. There's not a huge volume of posts to keep up with so there's no need to rush with a reply. There's people from all over the world here so because something is usual and ordinary to you it's probably different and curious to someone else.
As for having nothing interesting to say, poppycock! Start small and work up. We've got threads for books, comics, wrestling, music, pets for example and if there isn't a thread about something you've an interest in or are considering taking up then mention your idea in a thread and see who else pops up and expresses an interest and start a thread about it. There's lots of topic threads we don't have so there's plenty of scope for new ideas.
Simple steps like going into the photography thread to ask about taking photos with your phone, take some pictures and post in the pets thread even if it's of the birds and the bird table in your garden.
Also, don't stress about it. This place is supposed to be fun and easy to use. There's not a huge volume of posts to keep up with so there's no need to rush with a reply. There's people from all over the world here so because something is usual and ordinary to you it's probably different and curious to someone else.
Just want to shout out to everyone here for venting. We all have our moments and I hope things turn out for the best for everyone.
And do not feel bad for not posting too much. Even if it's a simple funpost, it's ok. I talk about the most mundane things but I'm trying to post more and practice writing long winded, interesting posts. Even then, it doesn't have to be like that.
Anyway, I hope this all of this doesn't sound preachy but just wanna say you're not alone in this.
I know exactly how you feel, have done the same things you did and honestly? I still get these feelings from time to time. I tried to change my bad habits, but it's hard to do so. I also cut off contact with my childhood friends but I explained my situation to them after a year of silence, some of them didn't like it but some welcomed me back. Also, do not be ashamed of going to a psychiatrist, I used to feel the same thing but it's their job to help you and being on the right track. I hope my advice isn't shitty, but I wish you could reconsider going to a psychiatrist again and see what can you change in your current life.
And do not feel bad for not posting too much. Even if it's a simple funpost, it's ok. I talk about the most mundane things but I'm trying to post more and practice writing long winded, interesting posts. Even then, it doesn't have to be like that.
Anyway, I hope this all of this doesn't sound preachy but just wanna say you're not alone in this.
Meant to come back and respond last night, but got caught up with other things.fuck ... i'm SO sorry to hear that, man
Thanks, lash. I appreciate the condolences. The worst part is always thinking that you could have done something to prevent it and yet ultimately knowing that it's not always the case.
Swear to god these past few days must have been some of the shittiest, most hopeless damn days of this shitty enough thing that is my life. Fuck everything. Don't feel like elaborating more but I just had the need to write this down somewhere, thanks a lot for the thread.
Most people who frequent internet forums in 2019 ostensibly aren't the happiest or most social butterflies. Personally, I have a slew of weird issues in relation to my mentally ill mother; both Freudian, and genetic. Can't wait to finally get my ass back into therapy for the first time as an adult once my health insurance kicks in. I really flew off the deep end last year once I discovered her kidney condition had been rendered terminal. Damn 60 day probationary period.
If you're the type of person who ends up on a site as niche as MetaCouncil, you're pretty damn cool in my book no matter who you are.
If you're the type of person who ends up on a site as niche as MetaCouncil, you're pretty damn cool in my book no matter who you are.
Think I'll use this thread to push positive vibes towards anyone who may be drawn here. Similar to what I've done in the Mental health thread on Era.
If anything I post here helps a person better their situation in any way, or at least makes them less hard on themselves, and more optimistic towards life, I'll feel like my time wasted posting here about Steam sales hasn't gone unjustified.
Let's start with this:
hbr.org
If anything I post here helps a person better their situation in any way, or at least makes them less hard on themselves, and more optimistic towards life, I'll feel like my time wasted posting here about Steam sales hasn't gone unjustified.
Let's start with this:
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You
If you want to be your best and perform at a high level, fear of people’s opinions may be holding you back. Our fear of other people’s opinions, or FOPO, has become an irrational and unproductive obsession in the modern world, and its negative effects reach far beyond performance. If you start...
hbr.org
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You
...
Our fear of other people’s opinions, or FOPO as I call it, has become an irrational and unproductive obsession in the modern world, and its negative effects reach far beyond performance.
If you start paying less and less attention to what makes you you — your talents, beliefs, and values — and start conforming to what others may or may not think, you’ll harm your potential. You’ll start playing it safe because you’re afraid of what will happen on the other side of the critique. You’ll fear being ridiculed or rejected. When challenged, you’ll surrender your viewpoint. You won’t raise your hand when you can’t control the outcome. You won’t go for that promotion because you won’t think you’re qualified.
Unfortunately, FOPO is part of the human condition since we’re operating with an ancient brain. A craving for social approval made our ancestors cautious and savvy; thousands of years ago, if the responsibility for the failed hunt fell on your shoulders, your place in the tribe could be threatened. The desire to fit in and the paralyzing fear of being disliked undermine our ability to pursue the lives we want to create.
This underscores why we need to train and condition our mind — so the tail is not wagging the dog.
If you find yourself experiencing FOPO, there are ways to dampen the intensity of your stress responses. Once you’re aware of your thoughts, guide yourself toward confidence-building statements (I am a good public speaker, I’ve put in the work so that I can trust my abilities, I have a lot of great things to say, I’m completely prepared for this promotion). These statements will help you focus on your skills and abilities rather than others’ opinions. Take deep breaths, too. This will signal to your brain that you’re not in immediate danger.
But, if you really want to conquer FOPO, you’ll need to cultivate more self-awareness. Most of us go through life with a general sense of who we are, and, in a lot of circumstances, that’s enough. We get by. But if you want to be your best while being less fearful of people’s opinions, you need to develop a stronger and much deeper sense of who you are.
You can start by developing a personal philosophy — a word or phrase that expresses your basic beliefs and values. The personal philosophy of Pete Carroll, my business partner and head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is “always compete.” For Coach Carroll, always competing means spending every day working hard to get better and reach his fullest potential. This philosophy isn’t a platitude or slogan; rather, it’s his compass, guiding his actions, thoughts, and decisions. As a coach. A father. A friend. In every area of life.
When coming up with a personal philosophy, ask yourself a series of questions:
When I’m at my best, what beliefs lie just beneath the surface of my thoughts and actions?
Who are people that demonstrate characteristics and qualities that are in alignment with mine?
What are those qualities?
What are your favorite quotes? Your favorite words?
Once you’ve answered these questions, circle the words that stand out to you and cross out the ones that don’t. After studying what’s left, try to come up with a phrase or sentence that lines up with exactly who you are and how you want to live your life. Share the draft with a loved one, ask for input, and fine-tune your philosophy from there. Then commit it to memory and return to it daily.
...
Most of all, remember that growth and learning take place when you’re operating at the edge of your capacity. Like blowing up a nearly inflated balloon, living in accordance with your personal philosophy will require more effort and power, but, the result, which is to authentically and artistically express who you are, will push you to live and work with more purpose and meaning.
Since i've been trying really hard to be more open and outgoing about myself, i thought i'm just gonna share some things.
I guess my biggest source of dread, fear, anxiety and an intrinsic desire to grab a rope is coming from the ever intrusive thought of what could've been.
Even though my childhood was terrible, i still used to be a loud-mouthed, passionate, life-loving Person. I did good in School, mostly A grades, was sociable (but introverted), had aspirations.
I imagined my 20's to be working in or towards a Job i want, to be full of confusing love and break-up stories, hanging out with cool friends of all walks of life, travelling the world, experiencing many different hobbies and just generally living out my passions.
Guess how much of it as come to fruitution.
Now of course, EVERYTHING Happening was never realistic, but what really kills me is that NOTHING of it has happened.
I work jobs that are alright but i'm not passionate about, i haven't experienced anything noteworthy in the way of love, after my BFF's suicide i became such an emotional recluse that i've been unable to uphold let alone make new friendships and my passions and hobbies went into the nowhere-bin.
Then last year i was fairly close to killing myself, sitting upright on my bed at night, ready to cut for results with the hunting knife my father had gifted to me when i was ~8. Which would have been a fairly twisted way to die thinking about it, as my father is of the strong opinion that my birth ruined his life.
One of the many reasons i spent over 10 years of my life in therapy.
Anyways, because the facade of cockyness only hides the coward that i truly am, i didn't go through with it, thankfully, and as i'm currently feeling rather confident and hopeful i'll be trying my damn hardest to turn my life around before i hit my 30's.
The weird thing is, i don't actually mind the years of my life that i've spent suffering. The abuse, the psychwards, the deaths, the fights - and oh boy did i got into a lot fisticuffs - in a way they were all enjoyable for a lack of better words.
You know, breaking your collarbone during a fight isn't exactly a pleasant experience, but once the short-lived pain (and the bit less short-lived inconvenience of it) has subsided, it'll leave a fond memory and little story to tell.
It might have hurt, but it proved that you are alive.
What i do mind on the other hand are the last few years that i've spent in a comfortable zone of vapid, emotionally withdrawn nothingness.
While my life was "objectively" better off due to the lack of violence, tears or poverty, subjectively, they were the most horrid of my life.
This Kind of unfillable void just consumed me on the inside, in a way that no beating ever could. Because there was no one to be angry at, nothing to fight against, nothing to experience. Just me and an ever growing hole. If i look back at the last 5 years, i basically have no memories to recollect that extend beyond entertainment media or my Job. And that's what truly sucks.
Those are the years that actually feel wasted, those that i regret.
That said, currently i'm feeling truly great and took many important steps to get back to what i lost. Unless it all comes crashing down on me, i'm very intend on making these next few the best years of my life, to rekindle the flames that have been extinguished! Just wish it wouldn't have taken me so long.
I guess my biggest source of dread, fear, anxiety and an intrinsic desire to grab a rope is coming from the ever intrusive thought of what could've been.
Even though my childhood was terrible, i still used to be a loud-mouthed, passionate, life-loving Person. I did good in School, mostly A grades, was sociable (but introverted), had aspirations.
I imagined my 20's to be working in or towards a Job i want, to be full of confusing love and break-up stories, hanging out with cool friends of all walks of life, travelling the world, experiencing many different hobbies and just generally living out my passions.
Guess how much of it as come to fruitution.
Now of course, EVERYTHING Happening was never realistic, but what really kills me is that NOTHING of it has happened.
I work jobs that are alright but i'm not passionate about, i haven't experienced anything noteworthy in the way of love, after my BFF's suicide i became such an emotional recluse that i've been unable to uphold let alone make new friendships and my passions and hobbies went into the nowhere-bin.
Then last year i was fairly close to killing myself, sitting upright on my bed at night, ready to cut for results with the hunting knife my father had gifted to me when i was ~8. Which would have been a fairly twisted way to die thinking about it, as my father is of the strong opinion that my birth ruined his life.
One of the many reasons i spent over 10 years of my life in therapy.
Anyways, because the facade of cockyness only hides the coward that i truly am, i didn't go through with it, thankfully, and as i'm currently feeling rather confident and hopeful i'll be trying my damn hardest to turn my life around before i hit my 30's.
The weird thing is, i don't actually mind the years of my life that i've spent suffering. The abuse, the psychwards, the deaths, the fights - and oh boy did i got into a lot fisticuffs - in a way they were all enjoyable for a lack of better words.
You know, breaking your collarbone during a fight isn't exactly a pleasant experience, but once the short-lived pain (and the bit less short-lived inconvenience of it) has subsided, it'll leave a fond memory and little story to tell.
It might have hurt, but it proved that you are alive.
What i do mind on the other hand are the last few years that i've spent in a comfortable zone of vapid, emotionally withdrawn nothingness.
While my life was "objectively" better off due to the lack of violence, tears or poverty, subjectively, they were the most horrid of my life.
This Kind of unfillable void just consumed me on the inside, in a way that no beating ever could. Because there was no one to be angry at, nothing to fight against, nothing to experience. Just me and an ever growing hole. If i look back at the last 5 years, i basically have no memories to recollect that extend beyond entertainment media or my Job. And that's what truly sucks.
Those are the years that actually feel wasted, those that i regret.
That said, currently i'm feeling truly great and took many important steps to get back to what i lost. Unless it all comes crashing down on me, i'm very intend on making these next few the best years of my life, to rekindle the flames that have been extinguished! Just wish it wouldn't have taken me so long.
While I don't have any particularly encouraging words or positive vibes to send your way since I lack those myself, being in a kinda similar but also very different situation, I just want to you to know that, despite being pretty new to the formergaf/era/meta 'family', I've always found your posts extremely interesting to read and discuss and they really show how deep and insightful of a person you are (well, most of them anyway
).Fun fact: while scrolling through my friend list on steam with my girlfriend sitting next to me and telling her who's who, I always say you're that Era (now Meta, I guess) guy who's pretty weird but also extremely fun and super cool.
While this might come out a bit (or a lot) cheesy, and I hate being cheesy ffs, it's just to say that, even during those years in your life that you judge as "wasted", you managed to make an impression on me and most certainly other complete unknowns on the internet, who were maybe going through a shitty day themselves, and made their life a tad better, even if just for a second. So they're not completely wasted.
In all seriousness though, they're not wasted at all, since going through that period in your life made you find the strength and resolution you currently have.
I wish you luck with everything and I can't thank you enough for sharing all this.
Thanks for the kind words, you too lashmanWhile I don't have any particularly encouraging words or positive vibes to send your way since I lack those myself, being in a kinda similar but also very different situation, I just want to you to know that, despite being pretty new to the formergaf/era/meta 'family', I've always found your posts extremely interesting to read and discuss and they really show how deep and insightful of a person you are (well, most of them anyway
Fun fact: while scrolling through my friend list on steam with my girlfriend sitting next to me and telling her who's who, I always say you're that Era (now Meta, I guess) guy who's pretty weird but also extremely fun and super cool.
While this might come out a bit (or a lot) cheesy, and I hate being cheesy ffs, it's just to say that, even during those years in your life that you judge as "wasted", you managed to make an impression on me and most certainly other complete unknowns on the internet, who were maybe going through a shitty day themselves, and made their life a tad better, even if just for a second. So they're not completely wasted.
In all seriousness though, they're not wasted at all, since going through that period in your life made you find the strength and resolution you currently have.
I wish you luck with everything and I can't thank you enough for sharing all this.
I'm not sure i can fully accept the latter part, as these kinda things are always very much a matter of feelings, but i appreciate it either way! It's definitely nice to know that my shitposting isn't for nothing.
it's definitely not!I'm not sure i can fully accept the latter part, as these kinda things are always very much a matter of feelings, but i appreciate it either way! It's definitely nice to know that my shitposting isn't for nothing.
I would be one of those unknowns. I have the unfair (perhaps creepy?) advantage of being a long time lurker from the GAF days to the move to ERA and now to MC. After years of that there started to be posters that I found myself resonating with and respecting a great deal.While this might come out a bit (or a lot) cheesy, and I hate being cheesy ffs, it's just to say that, even during those years in your life that you judge as "wasted", you managed to make an impression on me and most certainly other complete unknowns on the internet, who were maybe going through a shitty day themselves, and made their life a tad better, even if just for a second. So they're not completely wasted.
And I've always been impressed with how passionate you get while staying as levelheaded as possible when it's something you care about, Hektor. You and a couple others actually make me a bit jealous with how freely and easily you folks are able to get the point across during what I suppose could be considered a shitpost to some.
I had a longer response in mind when I started this but I worry it would be a long winded ramble after a point. I felt horrible after my last one in this thread since it could be taken as me trying to one up Noytax when it was simply a genuine attempt to show that they aren't alone. Sorry, Noytax.
This is good to hear! I hope all goes well and like lash said earlier, I'm sure you'll get there.
Thank you too blindrhythm
I'm surprised people have such a high opinion about my posts, but it's cool
I appreciate all the kind words everyone, even if im not quite sure how t0 respond. It's a bit unusual for me.
I'm surprised people have such a high opinion about my posts, but it's cool
I appreciate all the kind words everyone, even if im not quite sure how t0 respond. It's a bit unusual for me.
Hektor
Try it. It's all I can say. Always moving forward. Always looking forward. Set small goals that build towards a bigger and better you. A place you want to be. Not a place you could have been.
Try it.
Love, Echo.
Hidden content
Try it.
Love, Echo.
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Thank you too blindrhythm
I'm surprised people have such a high opinion about my posts, but it's cool
I appreciate all the kind words everyone, even if im not quite sure how t0 respond. It's a bit unusual for me.
we all love veggies ... especially freshVeggie
... and we all love you too! you're a great dude ... keep it up!Try it. It's all I can say. Always moving forward. Always looking forward. Set small goals that build towards a bigger and better you. A place you want to be. Not a place you could have been.
Try it.
Love, Echo.
Been going through some severe agoraphobia and social anxiety as well lately. But it doesn't impair me completely. At work (teacher) I'm fine with my kids. I'm fine, even good at public speaking/performing on a stage. I rationalize it as "This isn't me, it's a performance, so fuck it." But I haven't gone anywhere except for work/basic necessities since December. Sucks.
Used to go on strings of dates every couple of months and I was alright because I figured we'd both be trying to look good for each other and the other person won't know me so it's not a big deal if we don't hit it off. But that just resulted in a lot of dates and texting with people I didn't really have a connection with. So dating has fizzled out because I don't actually go for someone I do have that connection with. That's too frightening; like, once I start to like someone -- not even romantically, just as a person -- there are suddenly stakes, and I get too anxious and shut it down, or just avoid crushes/potential friends my age once I start to feel something.
There's a language barrier here, too, so the people I do feel connected to are few and far between anyway. My Mandarin is grade-school level so I can communicate but not really converse about topics more complex than food/places. Will probably take me a few more years to get to the point where I can convey my actual personality in Chinese.
One thing I do like, though, is the "Thank you for listening to my TED Talk" meme. As someone who works at a school whose admins are pushing TED Talks like mad, thank you for listening to my TED Talk.
Used to go on strings of dates every couple of months and I was alright because I figured we'd both be trying to look good for each other and the other person won't know me so it's not a big deal if we don't hit it off. But that just resulted in a lot of dates and texting with people I didn't really have a connection with. So dating has fizzled out because I don't actually go for someone I do have that connection with. That's too frightening; like, once I start to like someone -- not even romantically, just as a person -- there are suddenly stakes, and I get too anxious and shut it down, or just avoid crushes/potential friends my age once I start to feel something.
There's a language barrier here, too, so the people I do feel connected to are few and far between anyway. My Mandarin is grade-school level so I can communicate but not really converse about topics more complex than food/places. Will probably take me a few more years to get to the point where I can convey my actual personality in Chinese.
One thing I do like, though, is the "Thank you for listening to my TED Talk" meme. As someone who works at a school whose admins are pushing TED Talks like mad, thank you for listening to my TED Talk.
Thanks again to everyone posting in here btw, and i mean absolutely everyone, you all rock.
It's nice to have such a smaller, more intimate feeling community.
I'm definitely going to take some of that advice to heart (or already did indirectly i guess)
Gonna try to cosplay and get some tattoos in the near future because younger me would have loved doing that and then i'll have to see what else i can and want to do. Travelling is definitely on my bucket list in the future.
When i read your post in the other thread, i didn't expect your reasons for travelling/moving to be, well, that tragic.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, you are such a pleasent person to interact with and it breaks my heart that you had to go through that.
Like i wrote in an earlier post, i'm kinda bad at responding to such personal matters (which is also why it took me so long to reply), so i hope my short reply does't come off as dismissive, because i really appreciate the words and you putting yourself out here as well, i just struggle at expressing it. Your words didn't fall on deaf ears Echo.
It's nice to have such a smaller, more intimate feeling community.
Again, thanks for the kind words!
I'm definitely going to take some of that advice to heart (or already did indirectly i guess)
Gonna try to cosplay and get some tattoos in the near future because younger me would have loved doing that and then i'll have to see what else i can and want to do. Travelling is definitely on my bucket list in the future.
When i read your post in the other thread, i didn't expect your reasons for travelling/moving to be, well, that tragic.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, you are such a pleasent person to interact with and it breaks my heart that you had to go through that.
Like i wrote in an earlier post, i'm kinda bad at responding to such personal matters (which is also why it took me so long to reply), so i hope my short reply does't come off as dismissive, because i really appreciate the words and you putting yourself out here as well, i just struggle at expressing it. Your words didn't fall on deaf ears Echo.
I had been wanting to post some encouraging words for a while, to everybody here. But I felt it might be a tad selfish to just blurt them out without first explaining how I got there myself.
Your post put me over the edge, so I finally sat down and did it. Don't normally like to talk about that stuff, least not without a few drinks in me lol, but if these words can help you or anybody at all then it was worth it.
Your post put me over the edge, so I finally sat down and did it. Don't normally like to talk about that stuff, least not without a few drinks in me lol, but if these words can help you or anybody at all then it was worth it.
Appreciate you sharing your story, Echo.
And I kind of feel the same. I want to jump in here so often with support but often times I go off on some tangent that only vaguely references the original post then by the end I quickly have to try to tie it all together.
There's a lot that's been shared in here that I know all too well. I just don't want to steal the limelight and somehow feel like I'm making it all about me. A stupid fear maybe since it's a support thread after all but a fear all the same.
The most helpful video regarding depression which I've ever watched. If you're in this thread because you're feeling depressed right now, you owe it to yourself to spend the next 25 minutes absorbing this. Your opinions on Rogan and Carolla need not apply, this remains helpful despite all that.