Support Come and load off your mental struggles

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
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Thank you. Maybe I've been looking at all this from the wrong angle.
As others have already said, there's no rush. Take things one step at a time. Having those goals and plans for yourself can be a nice thing to hold on to, but don't let them consume you. You'll get there, even if it might take a little more time than someone else, it won't matter in the end how long it took.

It's easy to fall into the trap that we must constantly be in competition with one another, I'm guilty of it myself sometimes, but really most folks are just trying to do their best in life without having the time to worry about comparisons to others. A lot of us are just trying to figure it out as we go too. :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
 
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JMTHEFOX

Planning to Be a Game Designer
Oct 4, 2018
517
687
93
Brooklyn, NY
Just deleted most of the underage Indonesian contacts on my phone this morning. Looking to delete LINE chats/contacts and Telegram contacts next.

Still on the fence about the counseling center that my college counselor suggested me since my mom isn't a huge fan of the Door. Maybe I'll wait until I register for Spring semester instead.
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
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My mom's in the psych ward again. Figured I'd post about it here.

Visiting time is only for one hour a day.

Hurts so much to see her in there and hold her while she cries.

Having to place all my belongings in a locker and getting a metal detector wand waved on me just to visit my mom. So fucked

Just wanna let her know she's not alone. She's losing it big time. i visit every chance i can. bringing her things she can have in there which will make her happy and let her know she is loved

Hard to tell if she really is in the best place, or if shed better off alone at home.

Didn't go to work today or yesterday. I can't think straight. On top of this, still dealing with the aftermath of the basement flood i had a few weeks ago, now my PC is crapping out on me and I just dropped like $200 on a speeding ticket. Gotta stay focused now more than ever. Friends keeps reaching out to me but honestly it' s not about me, it's about her.

I love you mom
 

JMTHEFOX

Planning to Be a Game Designer
Oct 4, 2018
517
687
93
Brooklyn, NY
Just joined a counseling discord server yesterday and sought a counselor. The counselor I spoke to was really nice and helped me. Hope to use it more often.
 

Monooboe

0,40% PC Gamer
Oct 10, 2018
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It feels like everything is going wrongly. Money issues where I have to pretty much eat plain rice every day for the month. I was going to go on a date but of course she cancels just right before, but then I go on another date but that was bad. Did a photo shoot but afterwards model wants me to delete everything. An ex contacts me telling me she is tired of having to always reach out... this is after she've ghosted me and then tells me she doesn't want to talk with me.

Feels like I just can't do anything, at all. I can't even compensate for it by being good looking or anything positive really.

I try to improve but I'm just in the same trap I've always been. I just don't want to do this shit anymore.
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
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Keep grinding Monooboe

You're getting dates and photoshoots. You know how many people cant even manage that? Screw your ex. Cant move forward if you're focused on the past. You're better than that and you know it, your post proves that. Life is a rollercoaster and you're in a slump. Climb that hill, sir. It's going to be so worth it
 
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Monooboe

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Keep grinding Monooboe

You're getting dates and photoshoots. You know how many people cant even manage that? Screw your ex. Cant move forward if you're focused on the past. You're better than that and you know it, your post proves that. Life is a rollercoaster and you're in a slump. Climb that hill, sir. It's going to be so worth it
Thanks man! I'm trying to do my best and not let stuff get to me, to keep trying even things go badly. Not to talk too much about my ex, but she said I'm overly dramatic and a romantic, called me Cyrano, which I'm not too familiar with, apparently one of her favorite movies.XD
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
533
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Thanks man! I'm trying to do my best and not let stuff get to me, to keep trying even things go badly. Not to talk too much about my ex, but she said I'm overly dramatic and a romantic, called me Cyrano, which I'm not too familiar with, apparently one of her favorite movies.XD
Whenever I cant afford food I pretend I'm doing it to lose weight. You're not broke, just on a rice diet lol

Cyrano sounds like a Pokemon lol
 
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BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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Had to give away my dog and one of my cats might have cancer, so it's been a really really bad day to say the least.

Also I'm sorry to anyone that might be put off by my posting style. Unfortunately it's who I am, full of bad jokes and I think some of the emojis are cute. :shrugblob:

I'll try to be better about it or stay out of some threads I suppose.
 

NarohDethan

日本語の学生
Apr 6, 2019
4,968
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Had to give away my dog and one of my cats might have cancer, so it's been a really really bad day to say the least.

Also I'm sorry to anyone that might be put off by my posting style. Unfortunately it's who I am, full of bad jokes and I think some of the emojis are cute. :shrugblob:

I'll try to be better about it or stay out of some threads I suppose.
Oh man, I'm so sorry about Baron :( and I hope your kitty is allright

Virtual hugs :cat-heart-blob:
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
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Had to give away my dog and one of my cats might have cancer, so it's been a really really bad day to say the least.
nooooooo :( damn, that sucks ... hopefully the cat will be ok, at least :(

Also I'm sorry to anyone that might be put off by my posting style. Unfortunately it's who I am, full of bad jokes and I think some of the emojis are cute. :shrugblob:
i see absolutely nothing wrong about your posting style ... keep on being yourself, dude! :)

:hugging-face:
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
4,794
113
Oh man, I'm so sorry about Baron :( and I hope your kitty is allright

Virtual hugs :cat-heart-blob:
nooooooo :( damn, that sucks ... hopefully the cat will be ok, at least :(
Thank you both. :cat-heart-blob:

Having to get rid of Baron was horrible.. I'll admit I cried for a while afterwards. There's a lot I could have untrained or trained him to be better at, but without getting a professional to help there was most likely no way I could have solved his problem with cats and even then it was probably a long shot. After he tried to attack Rocky and Wally I knew I couldn't trust him to be alone with them.

The family that took him in seem like really good folks and already have another husky around the same age as Baron so they know what they're getting into. Thankfully they don't have any smaller pets either. I do worry a little about their daughter given that Baron is still a little rough while playing, but he's a good boy and will never purposefully hurt people.

My lazy buddy is the one that might have cancer. I had them all checked out a while ago, just a routine visit, and they wanted to look at Mitsy some more. She has been limping a little for the past couple months and I assumed it was due to her getting older and all of the years of jumping up and down off of high places. But no, apparently there's a growth up under her front right leg/chest area that seems to be affecting her movement.

It's hopefully benign but we'll know for sure after the results. I was supposed to hear back yesterday but now it seems I'll have to wait until Monday.

i see absolutely nothing wrong about your posting style ... keep on being yourself, dude! :)

:hugging-face:
Appreciate it, lash! Admittedly I probably couldn't change for long even if I tried. :LOL:

It was my bad. I should have ignored it and not let my rough day affect my emotions so much.
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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Wanted to hop back in here to update folks on the status of Mitsy. I got the call with the results a little while ago and thankfully it was good news, they were negative. She's going to be okay!

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes and helping to keep my spirits up. :photoblobheart:
 

NarohDethan

日本語の学生
Apr 6, 2019
4,968
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Wanted to hop back in here to update folks on the status of Mitsy. I got the call with the results a little while ago and thankfully it was good news, they were negative. She's going to be okay!

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes and helping to keep my spirits up. :photoblobheart:
I'm so happy to hear that! I actually was wondering how your cat was this morning :3 I'm glad she is fine!
 

Monooboe

0,40% PC Gamer
Oct 10, 2018
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Well fuck, after finally getting of the streets, since it took so long that I might actually lose all my rights now, they gave me a less than two month warning, so yay nice way to start next year, back on the street and without everything I worked to gain. When it happens I might actually throw in the towel, I can't do this shit anymore.
 

😬😬😬😬

anarchy & sushi
Nov 12, 2018
1,299
4,078
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Italy
I got a letter that said my rights end at the beginning of next year, I mean all rights, don't think they can kick me out of the country at least, being an European and all.
What does "your rights end" even mean? I'm no expert but AFAIK if you're a European citizen on European soil you should have all the rights you also have in your native country.
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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I got a letter that said my rights end at the beginning of next year, I mean all rights, don't think they can kick me out of the country at least, being an European and all.
I mean rights as in basic medical and social security, I still have the rights to stay here and work if I want.
huh ... that's weird
I'm no expert when it comes to European laws but I do agree with lash here, that does sound odd. Is there any way that letter could be a scam?

If not and it is legit then I'm so sorry, but please don't lose hope. I understand that it will be a huge blow and is very demoralizing right now. Look at what you've accomplished though! You've made some incredible strides in only a few months! And now you have that recent knowledge and experience to hopefully make it even easier the next time should it come to that.

When it happens I might actually throw in the towel, I can't do this shit anymore.
You're a wonderful person and we would all be worse off without you around. :photoblobheart:
 
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😬😬😬😬

anarchy & sushi
Nov 12, 2018
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Italy

Monooboe

0,40% PC Gamer
Oct 10, 2018
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lashman BlindRhythm NeuralProxy

Ok so maybe it's not as bad as I thought, only potentially. The rights are granted on a yearly basis so I have to reapply. But how hard it was the first time I'm kind of panicking. For example my medical should be renewed automatically because of my social, but now they are asking me to manually renew and asks for my medical, so maybe a catch 22.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
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lashman BlindRhythm NeuralProxy

Ok so maybe it's not as bad as I thought, only potentially. The rights are granted on a yearly basis so I have to reapply. But how hard it was the first time I'm kind of panicking. For example my medical should be renewed automatically because of my social, but now they are asking me to manually renew and asks for my medical, so maybe a catch 22.
well that's not AS bad, at least ... i'm sure you'll get it all renewed :)
 
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anarchy & sushi
Nov 12, 2018
1,299
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Italy
Ok so maybe it's not as bad as I thought, only potentially. The rights are granted on a yearly basis so I have to reapply. But how hard it was the first time I'm kind of panicking. For example my medical should be renewed automatically because of my social, but now they are asking me to manually renew and asks for my medical, so maybe a catch 22.
Well, it will be easier this time since you already know at least some of the procedure. No need to panic just yet, bureaucracy is annoying but you'll get it sorted. Good luck. Keep us posted if you want/need.
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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Ok so maybe it's not as bad as I thought, only potentially. The rights are granted on a yearly basis so I have to reapply. But how hard it was the first time I'm kind of panicking. For example my medical should be renewed automatically because of my social, but now they are asking me to manually renew and asks for my medical, so maybe a catch 22.
If you can, take a day or two to gather your thoughts and have a day to unwind. With that previous experience you have dealing with this it hopefully won't be as daunting this time around.

well that's not AS bad, at least ... i'm sure you'll get it all renewed :)
Well, it will be easier this time since you already know at least some of the procedure. No need to panic just yet, bureaucracy is annoying but you'll get it sorted. Good luck. Keep us posted if you want/need.
Things seem dark now but don't give up man. There will be better days ahead.
Hear, hear! You've got this Monooboe! And as NeuralProxy said, please keep up updated and we'll gladly help in any way we're able! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
 
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Monooboe

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lashman BlindRhythm NeuralProxy unknownhero

Thanks guys for the moral support! It does feel better now. I'm still very damn stressed out. But yeah hopefully it won't be a big deal. I'm just worried they won't renew it since I haven't worked since last year and yeah it looks bad.

On a side note, I felt so fucking bad today as I wrote, so I just asked a girl I've been talking to online if I could come and see her just for a moment, I went and we got along so good! She tells me I can see her when ever I want.:D feel little bad trying to have something with her when the last one I was with was less than a week ago haha. But she seems so sweet and and chemistry was so good.
 

NarohDethan

日本語の学生
Apr 6, 2019
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On a side note, I felt so fucking bad today as I wrote, so I just asked a girl I've been talking to online if I could come and see her just for a moment, I went and we got along so good! She tells me I can see her when ever I want.:D feel little bad trying to have something with her when the last one I was with was less than a week ago haha. But she seems so sweet and and chemistry was so good.
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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Been struggling with that feeling of being alone and unwanted again recently which is a great combo leading into today. I haven't been that big on Thanksgiving in a long time but it's still a day spent with family. Some of which will make me realize there's actually some truth to it.

Gotten the chance to do a bunch of cooking which has helped keep my mind off of it for a little while at least.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
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Been struggling with that feeling of being alone and unwanted again recently which is a great combo leading into today. I haven't been that big on Thanksgiving in a long time but it's still a day spent with family. Some of which will make me realize there's actually some truth to it.

Gotten the chance to do a bunch of cooking which has helped keep my mind off of it for a little while at least.
:wd_heart:
 

NarohDethan

日本語の学生
Apr 6, 2019
4,968
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Been struggling with that feeling of being alone and unwanted again recently which is a great combo leading into today. I haven't been that big on Thanksgiving in a long time but it's still a day spent with family. Some of which will make me realize there's actually some truth to it.

Gotten the chance to do a bunch of cooking which has helped keep my mind off of it for a little while at least.
:wd_heart:
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
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Seeing as my family is more or less in shambles and my mom is still in the hospital, I spent Thanksgiving with the family of a friend. They couldn't have been more kind and open towards me but the feeling of knowing what my life has come to weighs on me so hard. I'm so sick of how alone I am. I fight so many battles alone. Live alone, every task at my house - alone. Even made hummus and a cheesecake for the family. Yknow eventually you just want some real recognition in life. Someone to really feel your experience and comfort you. I've read that people who grow up with mentally I'll parents often experience that. Like as though everything is all about the parent. Its fucked up considering where she's at but I cant help but wonder like what about me man. All I've been through. Everything I do is for nothing. So sick of superficial tall about video games and movies. I have real shit. Nobody gets it
Like what's the point of doing all this shit if in the long run it's all for me
It's so empty. I would love to just sleep and not wake up at this point. I just want something i can never have
 
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BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
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It's so empty. I would love to just sleep and not wake up at this point. I just want something i can never have
Oh wow.. you described a lot of what I've been feeling almost exactly. It's such a horrible feeling and situation to be in. That feeling of desperately wanting to be noticed. For me it seems like it's only ever my screw ups that are noticed. The times I screw up are few and far between and are usually never anything major and yet they still overshadow any of the good I do.

Though again for me as I mentioned a few months ago it all wraps around to, but am I really deserving of praise? Are the things I'm doing actually meaningful or am I just hoping they are?

Of course I do want to say that when I'm fighting these feelings it's mostly just me getting in my own head, pretty sure I might have mentioned that before even. There's folks that do genuinely care and I do sincerely hope that my silliness and friendship does make some small difference. Some of those folks are on this very forum. So please don't think this is a result of anything you all have done. :cat-heart-blob:

It would just be nice to hear it from some other folks once in a while..

Also I'm sorry to hear your mom is still in the hospital. Hope that she's been doing better. I realized I never got the chance to say something earlier but you're doing a wonderful thing showing up and being there for her.
 

beep boop

boo
Dec 6, 2018
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Seeing as my family is more or less in shambles and my mom is still in the hospital, I spent Thanksgiving with the family of a friend. They couldn't have been more kind and open towards me but the feeling of knowing what my life has come to weighs on me so hard. I'm so sick of how alone I am. I fight so many battles alone. Live alone, every task at my house - alone. Even made hummus and a cheesecake for the family. Yknow eventually you just want some real recognition in life. Someone to really feel your experience and comfort you. I've read that people who grow up with mentally I'll parents often experience that. Like as though everything is all about the parent. Its fucked up considering where she's at but I cant help but wonder like what about me man. All I've been through. Everything I do is for nothing. So sick of superficial tall about video games and movies. I have real shit. Nobody gets it
Like what's the point of doing all this shit if in the long run it's all for me
It's so empty. I would love to just sleep and not wake up at this point. I just want something i can never have
I get where you're coming from with wanting to share your thoughts, accomplishments and sadness with a person who genuingely cares about what you think. It's something I value a lot too. I can see some of myself in what you're experiencing and it's not easy, for sure -- both in terms of knowing what it's like and as a mirror to my own issues. As time has gone on, I've found it increasingly (and immeasurably) important to learn to recognize and appreciate things in life as an individual. I'd love to go therapy eventually and get all this stuff sorted, to be honest. Being able to be satisfied for yourself, as self-centered as that sounds, is something that would help me a lot personally. In particular in terms of feelings of self-worth. That's incredibly important and a continued struggle. I'm infinitely thankful to my partner for reminding me that I do have worth, but the fact that I have little to no recognition of it independent of that is in itself the root problem. So, at least for me, it's not the absence of a partner that was necessarily the cause of my unhappiness, but rather an internal mechanism that has difficulties drawing satisfaction from my own actions. I don't know if that makes much sense or is at all relatable to you, but perhaps some food for thought.

Oh wow.. you described a lot of what I've been feeling almost exactly. It's such a horrible feeling and situation to be in. That feeling of desperately wanting to be noticed. For me it seems like it's only ever my screw ups that are noticed. The times I screw up are few and far between and are usually never anything major and yet they still overshadow any of the good I do.
Yeah, this really resonates with me as well. It's a really bad tendency of mine to focus too much on my personal fuckups without recognizing or appropriately weighing the good things I do. It's a bad habit, a toxic state of mind and unfortunately also one that is self-validating or self-fulfilling as it were. It causes more unrest, more self-doubt and gets me to inevitably cast everything in a negative light. Thankfully, it's something that can be worked on as it's not the default state of mind a person should be in. Maybe it's a chemical deficiency, maybe it's past trauma, a mode of thought set into place from one's upbringing, or something else like that. I don't know what it is for you or for me, for that matter. I'm really looking forward to my financial situation settling down a bit and getting to go to therapy at a regular basis to get it sorted. That's one of my main goals right now -- taking care of myself. Again, a little selfish perhaps, but sometimes you need to look out for numero uno and that'll also help me to "be there" better for other people in my life, I think.

I'm not usually one to write about this kind of stuff on message boards, but I just wanted to let you both know that you're not alone thinking that way. That knowledge meant a lot to me, once I started unpacking this problem and seeking solutions to it.
 
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deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
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BlindRhythm daxy

Yknow I posted that in a half drunken anxiety filled stupor right before bed and my first instinct was to delete all that this morning. Your guys' words mean more than you likely realize.

It's super hard for me to take pride in myself. I've always consideredmyself humble but some say it can come across as low self esteem. I loathe braggarts so much, guess I just went the exact opposite. I have a good job, a house, and a goo... well, a car. I do miss being in a relationship more than anything just haven't found the right one.

It hurts to put in all this work and to just have nobody to share anything with. Friends tell me I'm a cynic. I'm hardest on myself tbh.

The outside stressors dont help.

But enough whining, thanks you guys
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
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My mentally ill mother is moving in with me for the time being until I can find a proper group home to put her in. It's late and I cant go into every detail. She suffers from bi polar disorder and dementia in addition to a few other ailments. It was determined that she cant live alone. It's going to take everything out of me, but I'm doing what's right ultimately.

My uncle will be coming by to watch her when I'm not home due to work. Being with her is going to dig up every painful memory of my childhood of growing up with a mentally ill parent.

I have to do what's right
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
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I have to do what's right
Life has a way of making that a difficult task sometimes, but from what you've said it sounds like you're doing exactly that.

I obviously don't know the history between you and your mom or how severe her dementia and other ailments are, nor will I pry and push you to tell us. That's pretty personal and you shouldn't feel forced to give us every detail, but I do want to say you're a good son and that hopefully deep down she realizes that. I also hope you're able to find her a great group home that will be able to properly care for her.

Stay positive and never doubt that you are doing a good thing. :photoblobheart:
 
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BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
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A couple folks already know but I want to apologize to everyone else too. Sorry if I've seemed a little unlike myself recently. I've been in a bit of a haze most of this week. I thought it was still Monday on Wednesday for example.

The day I lost my dad is coming up in a couple days. 12 years later and it still hits me hard when I realize. There were years after that I hated the holidays so much.. I would actually feel anger toward folks spending time with family or trying to spread cheer. I was essentially the Grinch. That in turn made me hate myself, that wasn't me, I didn't want to be that person.

It's only been the last 5 or so years that I've been able to enjoy what this holiday brings again. No, it's not receiving things or even giving things, though it has been nice being able to give back these past couple years now that I'm in a better spot financially. And yes, this is going to sound like some corny Hallmark movie, but it's seeing people come together. I'll admit I tear up when I see stuff like soldiers coming home and surprising their families or someone dressed as Santa visiting sick kids.

Being able to make someone else smile or even seeing how someone else's actions are bringing joy is what I love about this time of year.

And yet.. I still get stuck in a rut most years, not to the point that I feel angry anymore, thankfully that's long passed. This time it was a combination of a lack of sleep and stupidly letting some things get to me that I shouldn't have and it put me in a pretty dark spot. I felt stupid for enjoying the holidays and got to the point of thinking, "What's the point.. I mean I am useless after all."

I've talked before how that's my lowest point.. that feeling of having zero worth, of being nothing more than a burden. And I hate bringing it up, especially now when so many of you do try so hard to make me realize otherwise. Unfortunately it's not something that's going away easily as much as I wish it would.

So again, I'm so sorry if I came across as being upset with anyone or just kind of being a bummer. I'm only ever upset with myself in those instances.
 

Li Kao

It’s a strange world. Let’s keep it that way.
Jan 28, 2019
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I was sorting my opened tabs like I do when things get out of hands in my browser and saw that I
  • didn't like your post
  • didn't answer

The first error is now corrected. And while my answer is not really developed, partly because mourning a father hits a little close to home, know that you are loved :face-throwing-a-kiss:

IT HAD TO BE SAID !
 

BlindRhythm

sometimes a doctor
Apr 17, 2019
1,392
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I was sorting my opened tabs like I do when things get out of hands in my browser and saw that I
  • didn't like your post
  • didn't answer

The first error is now corrected. And while my answer is not really developed, partly because mourning a father hits a little close to home, know that you are loved :face-throwing-a-kiss:

IT HAD TO BE SAID !
Aww! That means a lot. Thank you so much! :photoblobheart:

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay the support and kindness you and others continue to show me. I can however keep doing my best to make sure you all know how incredible you are and share my support whenever needed.

And I remember you mentioning your loss in the Steam thread and I don't believe I ever said anything or if I did it won't hurt to say something again. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you share that same pain I do.

If you ever need someone to talk with about it I'm always happy to listen or share some of what I've done over the years to try to ease the pain. You know you're always welcome to send me a PM any time.

 

Monooboe

0,40% PC Gamer
Oct 10, 2018
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Paris, France
perttiteurajarvi.com
Another Christmas on my own, pretty much my tradition for the last decade, I used to be all "I don't care" before but it was all just trying to act tough. The only chistmas traditions I've tried to hold on to were gifting steam games to friends but last year after I tried and didn't get any back made me sad, sure you have to give without expecting but still. So this year I'm just going to eat chocolate and play games.

My point, you everyone should fucking keep the people close to you and don't be a shit like me who let everyone drift away.