I feel bad for doing this now since I really don't want to take away from everything you've shared but I'm kind of inspired by it to post my story. So everyone should find a comfy chair I guess? It could be a long one.
Most of my life has been one of nonexistence. It's why it has always been so easy for me to slip away and disappear.. no one ever notices. Even among my family I'm a ghost outside of a handful of them. After my birth only like three family members showed up at the hospital apparently. Of those three only two ever came to visit during my childhood and one was only until I turned 8., though it wasn't my grandmother's fault.. she passed away not long after I turned 8. In fact I never really knew any of my grandparents that well. Two died before I was born and the other two when I was 8 and 10. My brothers are/were all far older than me so they had all moved out before I was 8 too.
The one ended up in jail not too long after like I mentioned a while ago where he spent a few years. And the other two went to college and kind of ended up all over the country. The one I was kind of glad since he was always a bully to everyone.. still was into his 30's before he disowned the family. The other I wish I had more time with while I was growing up but he didn't move back around here until I was in my early 20's so while we still make attempts to reconnect it doesn't last long, plus he has a son now that has changed his life for the better and understandably takes up his free time.
My time in school wasn't that different. Outside of a small group of friends I was just kind of.. there. Got decent grades but was never a straight A student. Probably could have been but I simply didn't care enough, what was the point? Never got bullied despite being one of the (and I hate using this term) fat kids. The only reason for that is because I broke a couple of the weight lifting records the school had so I had this air of "power' about me I suppose. Guess it's good that no one ever realized they were leg strength records. Hurray for small town American schools.. Eventually joining the football team helped that image too. I stupidly thought that I would finally be noticed if I did well. Maybe even get a scholarship. Yeah.. that worked well. Once again I was invisible. Just about every single stat I earned one year was awarded to another player. "And another sack for #62, Meeks!" Surprise.. I wasn't #62, I was #65. And my last name isn't Meeks.
The best one was a game where a teammate and I attempted to tackle an opposing player and our helmets collided. I knew the feeling that followed.. it wasn't my first concussion. I stood up immediately, my teammate wasn't so lucky.. I felt horrible. Both physically and emotionally. I watched as the coaches called Meeks over.. he got time on the bench to rest. Me? I was left in the game to keep playing. Until I physically couldn't anymore. I stumbled my way over to the sidelines in a haze after 3 more downs and asked for some rest.
"Coach I'm not feeling great after colliding with Barnes."
"That was you? I thought it was Meeks!"
Guess it's not too surprising. One of the assistant coaches was my gym teacher from middle school. The same guy that screwed up diagnosing my first concussion. When I was 12 I was pushed into a brick wall from behind during a jogging exercise. I don't remember much after. Just bits and pieces. The English teacher making a joke that I looked like a unicorn due to the enormous bump forming on my forehead. The fact that no one checked up on me and allowed me to walk home that day. That no one explained what a concussion was in the first place. I went home and went to bed.. I shouldn't be alive. I've suffered four concussions in my life, three of which came before I was even 18.
And of course that's not the only reason I shouldn't be here now. Besides that one concussion I've been in three other situations that should have killed me. A car crash when I was 4 or 5, trying to do a front flip on a friend's trampoline and very nearly breaking my neck and almost drowning in a pool. What's worse is that these days I think I would just accept it. At least I'd get to see my dad, my brother and a friend of mine again. If the afterlife is a thing anyway.
Two of those three took their own lives and my dad I lost a week before Christmas due to a stroke. He was always kind of an emotionally abusive asshole, especially to my mom but he was still my dad. His depression affected him differently than mine affects me. He would become bitter and mean, thinking the whole world owed him for his problems. Didn't help that he had a drinking problem. Weirdly enough he would actually be friendly and a nice person to be around when drunk. The issue was that because it made him a better person he would refuse to stop drinking. When I was 9 I got to watch him lie face down in the yard in a pool of his own vomit, nearly dead from alcohol poisoning as my mom tried to revive him. Thankfully she was successful but it's why I haven't and never will drink. It's a plague among my family and I won't take that chance.
So when I came downstairs to talk with my parents before heading back up and falling asleep that week before Christmas I noticed my dad was slurring his words and assumed he was drunk again. It wasn't until my mom woke me up hours later to tell me she had called the hospital that I knew it was something different. The moans and noises my dad was making still haunt me.. even almost 12 years later I can still hear them clearly. The only silver lining is that at least we had our Christmas that week since my mom had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.. that was her only weekend off. The last one I had with my dad..
Things never got better for me after that. It's been one stupid decision or mistake on my part ever since. A life of regrets and disappointment. I have nothing and no potential anymore. There's only two things in this world that I can be proud of and that's my kindness and my honesty. Without those I truly would be nothing.
Edit: I realized I posted a slightly shorter post about this earlier in the thread.. hopefully this one is a little more coherent.
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