Support Come and load off your mental struggles

RionaaM

Vogon Poetry Appreciator
Sep 6, 2018
634
1,512
93
On a completely unrelated note.

Do you give money to people begging on the street?

It is something that always eats me away. Just today a little kid was playing around on a metro station, while who I think was his mother was just sitting around. I feel terrible by not giving them money, but I also feel angry that people put their kids to beg while they're just sitting around.

To elaborate more on this (phone signal dies on the metro :p)

This sight is pretry common, if I gave money to everyone asking any given day I would run out of money pretty quickly. I do give money to people who are quite clearly struggling, like migrants ( I happen to work near a popular migrant stop) , but I feel like an asshole for 'choosing winners and losers'.

There's also the fact that a lot of these people use their kids so they can slack away.
No, never. I feel bad about it sometimes, but I really don't think giving them a handout will help much. Or it could be that's what I say to myself to avoid feeling like a huge asshole. But after living in a big city my whole life I kinda became numb to this, as homelessness and beggars are ubiquitous. I won't pretend my actions are right, of course.

Struggling with this thread as well tbh.

Kinda wanna write more, but i don't wanna make the thread about myself.
Especially as i also feel rather incapable of responding to others and their worries, giving off the Impression that i don't care? Grrr
I may not comment on most posts, but I try to read them. If you feel like writing something about you in this thread, I'd say go for it.
 

708

MetaMember
Oct 20, 2018
37
107
33
As per usual when people open up and talk, I really don't know what to say. All I can say is that for what it's worth, I'm really sorry you had to go through all this in your life and thank you for opening up. Also, don't forget that we are here for you whenever you want to talk. That's the reason this thread exists.
 

#Senpai

Meta Man
Dec 5, 2018
1,417
3,337
113
Texas
Struggling with this thread as well tbh.

Kinda wanna write more, but i don't wanna make the thread about myself.
Especially as i also feel rather incapable of responding to others and their worries, giving off the Impression that i don't care? Grrr
I say express yourself and don’t worry about responding. Expression is very therapeutic, man. Don’t feel obligated to return and reply. Just get it out.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
708
2,250
93
Struggling with this thread as well tbh.

Kinda wanna write more, but i don't wanna make the thread about myself.
Especially as i also feel rather incapable of responding to others and their worries, giving off the Impression that i don't care? Grrr
Don't feel bad that you're not responding to everything or that you shouldn't post things that might be bothering you. Getting things off of your chest can be a massive help. As others have already said we're always here to listen if you need.

And I'll be honest, the worry of taking over a thread is something I struggle with too. Whether it's this one or the pet one as examples. But thanks to folks here I've realized that just opening up or being my pet sharing self can actually help somehow or maybe even brighten someone's day.

Anyways, that's my Story.
There's parts of this that I know well but there's more of it that I can't even begin to imagine the pain, physical and emotional, you went through. I should share my background one of these days.. much like you I always worry that folks will think parts of it is made up and that I'm lying.

Thank you so much for sharing that with us and no, I don't see you as a psycho. I see you as a person that has struggled more than most but still came out of it as someone that's trying to do right and put some good into the world. That is amazing and inspiring. Be proud of the heart and perseverance you've shown.. even in this thread alone for posting your story.

Hopefully sharing that has given you some of that peace you want and taken some of the weight off. I can only hope that things will improve and get better for you. And again, please come tell us what's on your mind if you're feeling down.


 

Prodigy

sleeper must awaken
Dec 9, 2018
145
294
63
So this one isn't about me, but my mom,
This post may be a little bit all over the place, it’s just coming out of my head as I type.

My mom has always been a perfectionist, hard worker (last to leave office first to arrive, work weekends etc..), I would say she is very much a people pleaser even if it left her at a disadvantage. She had always said work was stressing her out, my dad and I believed her, but I think we just took it as the usual thing he or I would say after a tough week. Just over a month ago, she came to us and said she had messed up at work due to having so much on her plate, that things had fallen behind. From my understanding and from what only she told me, it was enough of a mess up that lots of people wouldn’t be getting payouts and the company would go under. We tried to calm her down and reassure her that there must be some sort of solution, but she was adamant that there was nothing that could be done and in fact she didn’t even have the first idea on how to unravel it.

This eventually led to a breaking point a couple of days later when she tried to overdose on sleeping pills, from here we had to book her into a clinic for around 21 days. From the day she took the pills to now, I feel as though her mind has left her. I will talk to her, but it is as if all that is left is a shell of a person I once knew. She will sometimes have traces of her old self come out, if you ask certain questions.

Since then all she does is walk around the house aimlessly, or i'll catch her staring at her hands and suddenly get up and say "I can't take it any more".
She has tried to take more pills since then, and another time grabbed a blanket from her bed and said "open the gate i am going out to die". When she is not doing these self harm acts, she basically talks like someone who is crazy. For instance the latest one is that she is sure we are going to send her back to the psychiatric clinic again. No matter what my dad and I say she believes it is some secret agenda/conspiracy to get her there, she even starts packing a few times in the day. Then we also have a woman who has worked as a house care taker for us for over 15 years, but now my mom believes is going to steal every thing, so she makes remarks about it when ever she spots something lying around. In fact my dad said she told the caretaker she is stealing which made her sob.

There is so much more that is happening, but it would go on for much too long. I suppose I am just typing this to get it off my chest.

I always heard of people having a mental breakdown, but never expected this is how it can be as any others I read seem totally different, Its weird to think that this person two or three months ago was working with numbers, driving a car, someone I would talk to for advice etc... is now someone I can't keep by themselves because they are unstable and acts as if they are 10 years old.
 

JMTHEFOX

Planning to Be a Game Designer
Oct 4, 2018
402
537
93
Brooklyn, NY
So this one isn't about me, but my mom,
This post may be a little bit all over the place, it’s just coming out of my head as I type.

My mom has always been a perfectionist, hard worker (last to leave office first to arrive, work weekends etc..), I would say she is very much a people pleaser even if it left her at a disadvantage. She had always said work was stressing her out, my dad and I believed her, but I think we just took it as the usual thing he or I would say after a tough week. Just over a month ago, she came to us and said she had messed up at work due to having so much on her plate, that things had fallen behind. From my understanding and from what only she told me, it was enough of a mess up that lots of people wouldn’t be getting payouts and the company would go under. We tried to calm her down and reassure her that there must be some sort of solution, but she was adamant that there was nothing that could be done and in fact she didn’t even have the first idea on how to unravel it.

This eventually led to a breaking point a couple of days later when she tried to overdose on sleeping pills, from here we had to book her into a clinic for around 21 days. From the day she took the pills to now, I feel as though her mind has left her. I will talk to her, but it is as if all that is left is a shell of a person I once knew. She will sometimes have traces of her old self come out, if you ask certain questions.

Since then all she does is walk around the house aimlessly, or i'll catch her staring at her hands and suddenly get up and say "I can't take it any more".
She has tried to take more pills since then, and another time grabbed a blanket from her bed and said "open the gate i am going out to die". When she is not doing these self harm acts, she basically talks like someone who is crazy. For instance the latest one is that she is sure we are going to send her back to the psychiatric clinic again. No matter what my dad and I say she believes it is some secret agenda/conspiracy to get her there, she even starts packing a few times in the day. Then we also have a woman who has worked as a house care taker for us for over 15 years, but now my mom believes is going to steal every thing, so she makes remarks about it when ever she spots something lying around. In fact my dad said she told the caretaker she is stealing which made her sob.

There is so much more that is happening, but it would go on for much too long. I suppose I am just typing this to get it off my chest.

I always heard of people having a mental breakdown, but never expected this is how it can be as any others I read seem totally different, Its weird to think that this person two or three months ago was working with numbers, driving a car, someone I would talk to for advice etc... is now someone I can't keep by themselves because they are unstable and acts as if they are 10 years old.
That is super depressing :(
Be careful when looking for a caretaker, some of them may look shady and will do anything they can to take advantage of you or your family.
 

Xiaomi

The Texas Hammer
May 12, 2019
135
252
63
Taiwan
Not sure if anyone's actually gonna read through all of that, but if you do, thank you, it was carthatic to write it anyways.
To be honest, i generally dislike to talk about my past for plenty of reasons, some people would probably say i'm making this up, some would probably see me as a psycho about to murder them in their sleep, when all i want it is some fucking peace and for people to take me for who i am, and generally of course, it's just pretty painful to think about a lot of these things.

Anyways, that's my Story.
I read it all. I don't have much to say about the specifics of the story except that you are a good writer who has in my view a perfectly reasonable assessment of all the shit you had to go through. But look how fucking far you've come from that point. You've got every valid excuse to have given up, but you didn't; far from it. Instead, you trained up highly prized technical skills in one of the more competitive industries out there, while also maintaining a lucid, well-considered perspective of things and a high motivation to perform. People might not know it but when you're around they're interacting with someone pretty extraordinary.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
708
2,250
93
There is so much more that is happening, but it would go on for much too long. I suppose I am just typing this to get it off my chest.

I always heard of people having a mental breakdown, but never expected this is how it can be as any others I read seem totally different, Its weird to think that this person two or three months ago was working with numbers, driving a car, someone I would talk to for advice etc... is now someone I can't keep by themselves because they are unstable and acts as if they are 10 years old.
I'm so so sorry. Unfortunately everyone has a breaking point and it's not always the same thing or occurs in the same way. I've come very close to mine a few times and it's horrible and frightening. And my mom is very similar to yours and it scares me every day that something like that will happen to her too.

Hopefully with time she'll get better and you two can talk and share advice again. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it can happen soon. 🤞


 

Xiaomi

The Texas Hammer
May 12, 2019
135
252
63
Taiwan
My school year comes to an end on Friday and I'm starting to feel an overwhelming aimlessness set in. I've got to finish up some grading, but after that I'll be left to my own devices for about a month before doing some expensive traveling I don't particularly want to do but feel obligated to do to see my family back in the US. And on top of that I've developed what I feel is a hopeless crush that's one of those all-consuming, doubt-festering distractions that just kind of leave you feeling like everything is a disappointment. What I'm realizing is that I don't feel sexual attraction to people 99% of the time. Like, I can see an attractive person and if I look at them I can say "Okay, aesthetically this is a good looking woman," but I lack that feeling of "I want to try and be with something like that." The idea makes me very uncomfortable, actually. One of my friends saw me joking around with a young, attractive homeroom teacher at my school and tried to encourage me to get something started and I just felt like, no, I can't even imagine that, I hadn't even considered her that way and I don't like the thought of sliding up on a woman when she's at work. That that kind of attraction happens fairly rarely for me until I really feel connected to a person. I think I've mentioned before that I go on dates from time to time but I get easily bored of them for this reason. And I don't feel like going out and meeting more people because of it; even my students joke about it from time to time; "Teacher Xiaomi doesn't date. His girlfriend is books." They're not that far off. I get into this lazy mode of "When it happens, it happens."

So, it happened. I've been finishing up my work and for the first time this year I've relaxed a bit and started to take a look around at the non-education-related things that are happening around me. One of our teachers has been coming up to me a lot more this year but I didn't think about it until now. She's become very friendly and seeks me out at school meetings, performances, etc.. We talk and I find myself around things that I miss a great deal: kind people around my age (early thirties) who can speak with nuance and complexity and actually make me feel like a complete, desirable person, rather than something to be put up with, and it's loads of fun. It's been about two years since I've been around someone like that. Part of it is the language barrier; there are only so many dates you can go on and talk about very simple things before you just disengage with the process. Part of it is my history; I went to a historic women's college where my dating pool was mostly women who were sharp as a fucking tack and loved to talk about complicated stuff. But whatever; I've found something I like and I know I can't pursue it at school because that's a pretty fucked up thing to impose on a woman if she's not interested, because there's really no escape from work. We don't have any conflict of interest really (different departments, same level in the hierarchy) but it's still something I won't do unless I get a chance to see her outside of school in a more fair and friendly environment. And I let these things just consume me because that kind of connection is so rare. But at the same time I have a more optimistic voice inside me that reminds me that this is an exciting feeling, just relax and enjoy it, even if nothing happens.

tl;dr: I don't just teach middle school; I am middle school.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
708
2,250
93
Yeah, I'd go with that optimistic voice. Pursuing happiness is never a bad idea. It's nice to have that connection, to find someone you can talk and share with. Even if it doesn't end up as a relationship chances are you'll end up with a deep friendship that should still fulfill most of what you're looking for.

And I completely know where you're coming from with your first paragraph. I'll occasionally have someone say something like, "Man, look at her! She's so hot! You should go get her number!" and yeah.. no. My response is usually along the lines of, "One, come on.. this isn't high school. And two, she's clearly busy working/eating/talking with co-workers or friends." I'd rather a conversation happens naturally instead of forcing someone into one especially when they're clearly doing something else or don't seem interested in the first place. Besides physical beauty isn't a top priority for me.. never has been.

I've come to realize that I lean more asexual which isn't fair to others when they're looking for something physical. And that's without even getting to the whole situation that is.. well, me. I'm a mess. I couldn't imagine someone that has feelings for me having to put up with me on a daily basis.
 
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Swenhir

Junior Member
Apr 18, 2019
250
821
93
Not sure if anyone's actually gonna read through all of that, but if you do, thank you, it was carthatic to write it anyways.
To be honest, i generally dislike to talk about my past for plenty of reasons, some people would probably say i'm making this up, some would probably see me as a psycho about to murder them in their sleep, when all i want it is some fucking peace and for people to take me for who i am, and generally of course, it's just pretty painful to think about a lot of these things.

Anyways, that's my Story.
It's hard to find the words. This was a horrifying read and I can't imagine the ways in which it has hurt you over the years. One thing seemed to lead to another and very rarely did anyone extend a hand for you. I'm just... sorry that the world let you down like that. It's clear as day that you aren't a psychopath and if it helps you to hear it, there it is. A psychopath doesn't feel a thing for people and you clearly do. Losing your BFF wouldn't have hurt as it did. However being faced with the kind of physical and emotional violence you did as a child may have desensitized you to it. I get the impression you struggled with an amount of anger and rage at the injustice and lack of love in your life that you had to let out. Anyway, that was only my opinion, but it hurts me to see someone that came out as good of heart as you did out of a hell like this doubt yourself.

I really want to say that it boggles my mind that you made it this far. I don't know if I would have. It's not much from an internet stranger but awesome job on surviving and going on to become such a great person, even though I haven't known you all that well yet. If you need to keep talking about this, feel free to lay it out on us. You deserve all the help you can get.
 
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Hektor

Degenerate and Proud
Nov 1, 2018
1,713
3,677
113
Just want to say that i really appreciate the responses i have gotten. I just, like last time, don't really know what exactly to say, but i haven't been ignoring them!
I also had felt a bit of a need to step away for a day after writing that tbh, since it was kinda exhausting. :sweaty-blob:

Anyways, thanks for ya'll being so nice! It's defintiely very motivating to get such understanding responses.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
10,800
19,554
113
Just want to say that i really appreciate the responses i have gotten. I just, like last time, don't really know what exactly to say, but i haven't been ignoring them!
I also had felt a bit of a need to step away for a day after writing that tbh, since it was kinda exhausting. :sweaty-blob:

Anyways, thanks for ya'll being so nice! It's defintiely very motivating to get such understanding responses.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
708
2,250
93
Just want to say that i really appreciate the responses i have gotten. I just, like last time, don't really know what exactly to say, but i haven't been ignoring them!
I also had felt a bit of a need to step away for a day after writing that tbh, since it was kinda exhausting. :sweaty-blob:

Anyways, thanks for ya'll being so nice! It's defintiely very motivating to get such understanding responses.


I feel bad for doing this now since I really don't want to take away from everything you've shared but I'm kind of inspired by it to post my story. So everyone should find a comfy chair I guess? It could be a long one.

Most of my life has been one of nonexistence. It's why it has always been so easy for me to slip away and disappear.. no one ever notices. Even among my family I'm a ghost outside of a handful of them. After my birth only like three family members showed up at the hospital apparently. Of those three only two ever came to visit during my childhood and one was only until I turned 8., though it wasn't my grandmother's fault.. she passed away not long after I turned 8. In fact I never really knew any of my grandparents that well. Two died before I was born and the other two when I was 8 and 10. My brothers are/were all far older than me so they had all moved out before I was 8 too.

The one ended up in jail not too long after like I mentioned a while ago where he spent a few years. And the other two went to college and kind of ended up all over the country. The one I was kind of glad since he was always a bully to everyone.. still was into his 30's before he disowned the family. The other I wish I had more time with while I was growing up but he didn't move back around here until I was in my early 20's so while we still make attempts to reconnect it doesn't last long, plus he has a son now that has changed his life for the better and understandably takes up his free time.

My time in school wasn't that different. Outside of a small group of friends I was just kind of.. there. Got decent grades but was never a straight A student. Probably could have been but I simply didn't care enough, what was the point? Never got bullied despite being one of the (and I hate using this term) fat kids. The only reason for that is because I broke a couple of the weight lifting records the school had so I had this air of "power' about me I suppose. Guess it's good that no one ever realized they were leg strength records. Hurray for small town American schools.. Eventually joining the football team helped that image too. I stupidly thought that I would finally be noticed if I did well. Maybe even get a scholarship. Yeah.. that worked well. Once again I was invisible. Just about every single stat I earned one year was awarded to another player. "And another sack for #62, Meeks!" Surprise.. I wasn't #62, I was #65. And my last name isn't Meeks.

The best one was a game where a teammate and I attempted to tackle an opposing player and our helmets collided. I knew the feeling that followed.. it wasn't my first concussion. I stood up immediately, my teammate wasn't so lucky.. I felt horrible. Both physically and emotionally. I watched as the coaches called Meeks over.. he got time on the bench to rest. Me? I was left in the game to keep playing. Until I physically couldn't anymore. I stumbled my way over to the sidelines in a haze after 3 more downs and asked for some rest.

"Coach I'm not feeling great after colliding with Barnes."

"That was you? I thought it was Meeks!"

Guess it's not too surprising. One of the assistant coaches was my gym teacher from middle school. The same guy that screwed up diagnosing my first concussion. When I was 12 I was pushed into a brick wall from behind during a jogging exercise. I don't remember much after. Just bits and pieces. The English teacher making a joke that I looked like a unicorn due to the enormous bump forming on my forehead. The fact that no one checked up on me and allowed me to walk home that day. That no one explained what a concussion was in the first place. I went home and went to bed.. I shouldn't be alive. I've suffered four concussions in my life, three of which came before I was even 18.

And of course that's not the only reason I shouldn't be here now. Besides that one concussion I've been in three other situations that should have killed me. A car crash when I was 4 or 5, trying to do a front flip on a friend's trampoline and very nearly breaking my neck and almost drowning in a pool. What's worse is that these days I think I would just accept it. At least I'd get to see my dad, my brother and a friend of mine again. If the afterlife is a thing anyway.

Two of those three took their own lives and my dad I lost a week before Christmas due to a stroke. He was always kind of an emotionally abusive asshole, especially to my mom but he was still my dad. His depression affected him differently than mine affects me. He would become bitter and mean, thinking the whole world owed him for his problems. Didn't help that he had a drinking problem. Weirdly enough he would actually be friendly and a nice person to be around when drunk. The issue was that because it made him a better person he would refuse to stop drinking. When I was 9 I got to watch him lie face down in the yard in a pool of his own vomit, nearly dead from alcohol poisoning as my mom tried to revive him. Thankfully she was successful but it's why I haven't and never will drink. It's a plague among my family and I won't take that chance.

So when I came downstairs to talk with my parents before heading back up and falling asleep that week before Christmas I noticed my dad was slurring his words and assumed he was drunk again. It wasn't until my mom woke me up hours later to tell me she had called the hospital that I knew it was something different. The moans and noises my dad was making still haunt me.. even almost 12 years later I can still hear them clearly. The only silver lining is that at least we had our Christmas that week since my mom had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.. that was her only weekend off. The last one I had with my dad..

Things never got better for me after that. It's been one stupid decision or mistake on my part ever since. A life of regrets and disappointment. I have nothing and no potential anymore. There's only two things in this world that I can be proud of and that's my kindness and my honesty. Without those I truly would be nothing.


Edit: I realized I posted a slightly shorter post about this earlier in the thread.. hopefully this one is a little more coherent.
 
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NarohDethan

Anime threads enthusiast
Apr 6, 2019
2,291
5,363
113


I feel bad for doing this now since I really don't want to take away from everything you've shared but I'm kind of inspired by it to post my story. So everyone should find a comfy chair I guess? It could be a long one.

Most of my life has been one of nonexistence. It's why it has always been so easy for me to slip away and disappear.. no one ever notices. Even among my family I'm a ghost outside of a handful of them. After my birth only like three family members showed up at the hospital apparently. Of those three only two ever came to visit during my childhood and one was only until I turned 8., though it wasn't my grandmother's fault.. she passed away not long after I turned 8. In fact I never really knew any of my grandparents that well. Two died before I was born and the other two when I was 8 and 10. My brothers are/were all far older than me so they had all moved out before I was 8 too.

The one ended up in jail not too long after like I mentioned a while ago where he spent a few years. And the other two went to college and kind of ended up all over the country. The one I was kind of glad since he was always a bully to everyone.. still was into his 30's before he disowned the family. The other I wish I had more time with while I was growing up but he didn't move back around here until I was in my early 20's so while we still make attempts to reconnect it doesn't last long, plus he has a son now that has changed his life for the better and understandably takes up his free time.

My time in school wasn't that different. Outside of a small group of friends I was just kind of.. there. Got decent grades but was never a straight A student. Probably could have been but I simply didn't care enough, what was the point? Never got bullied despite being one of the (and I hate using this term) fat kids. The only reason for that is because I broke a couple of the weight lifting records the school had so I had this air of "power' about me I suppose. Guess it's good that no one ever realized they were leg strength records. Hurray for small town American schools.. Eventually joining the football team helped that image too. I stupidly thought that I would finally be noticed if I did well. Maybe even get a scholarship. Yeah.. that worked well. Once again I was invisible. Just about every single stat I earned one year was awarded to another player. "And another sack for #62, Meeks!" Surprise.. I wasn't #62, I was #65. And my last name isn't Meeks.

The best one was a game where a teammate and I attempted to tackle an opposing player and our helmets collided. I knew the feeling that followed.. it wasn't my first concussion. I stood up immediately, my teammate wasn't so lucky.. I felt horrible. Both physically and emotionally. I watched as the coaches called Meeks over.. he got time on the bench to rest. Me? I was left in the game to keep playing. Until I physically couldn't anymore. I stumbled my way over to the sidelines in a haze after 3 more downs and asked for some rest.

"Coach I'm not feeling great after colliding with Barnes."

"That was you? I thought it was Meeks!"

Guess it's not too surprising. One of the assistant coaches was my gym teacher from middle school. The same guy that screwed up diagnosing my first concussion. When I was 12 I was pushed into a brick wall from behind during a jogging exercise. I don't remember much after. Just bits and pieces. The English teacher making a joke that I looked like a unicorn due to the enormous bump forming on my forehead. The fact that no one checked up on me and allowed me to walk home that day. That no one explained what a concussion was in the first place. I went home and went to bed.. I shouldn't be alive. I've suffered four concussions in my life, three of which came before I was even 18.

And of course that's not the only reason I shouldn't be here now. Besides that one concussion I've been in three other situations that should have killed me. A car crash when I was 4 or 5, trying to do a front flip on a friend's trampoline and very nearly breaking my neck and almost drowning in a pool. What's worse is that these days I think I would just accept it. At least I'd get to see my dad, my brother and a friend of mine again. If the afterlife is a thing anyway.

Two of those three took their own lives and my dad I lost a week before Christmas due to a stroke. He was always kind of an emotionally abusive asshole, especially to my mom but he was still my dad. His depression affected him differently than mine affects me. He would become bitter and mean, thinking the whole world owed him for his problems. Didn't help that he had a drinking problem. Weirdly enough he would actually be friendly and a nice person to be around when drunk. The issue was that because it made him a better person he would refuse to stop drinking. When I was 9 I got to watch him lie face down in the yard in a pool of his own vomit, nearly dead from alcohol poisoning as my mom tried to revive him. Thankfully she was successful but it's why I haven't and never will drink. It's a plague among my family and I won't take that chance.

So when I came downstairs to talk with my parents before heading back up and falling asleep that week before Christmas I noticed my dad was slurring his words and assumed he was drunk again. It wasn't until my mom woke me up hours later to tell me she had called the hospital that I knew it was something different. The moans and noises my dad was making still haunt me.. even almost 12 years later I can still hear them clearly. The only silver lining is that at least we had our Christmas that week since my mom had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.. that was her only weekend off. The last one I had with my dad..

Things never got better for me after that. It's been one stupid decision or mistake on my part ever since. A life of regrets and disappointment. I have nothing and no potential anymore. There's only two things in this world that I can be proud of and that's my kindness and my honesty. Without those I truly would be nothing.


Edit: I realized I posted a slightly shorter post about this earlier in the thread.. hopefully this one is a little more coherent.
Thanks for sharing. I'm glad that you are here with us :)
 

Xiaomi

The Texas Hammer
May 12, 2019
135
252
63
Taiwan
I feel bad for doing this now since I really don't want to take away from everything you've shared but I'm kind of inspired by it to post my story. So everyone should find a comfy chair I guess? It could be a long one.
Comfy chair not found; continuing to flatten my butt/tailbone in my office chair. I hope that's okay. :astonished-face:

Thanks for sharing! I read your story and had a lot of those "that's me!" moments. I prefer to be invisible when I can, because my brain starts to short-circuit in social situations with most people. I've also always had a small group of friends as my support system but as an adult it's gradually gotten even harder as my closest friends have kind of scattered across the globe and very few people at this age really seem to "hang out" anymore. My sense of humor is incredibly dry and most people either aren't sure how to respond or assume I'm being serious, and by the same token, their sense of humor makes me want to cringe myself into a ball until I disappear like Pac Man.

Yesterday we had a going-away party for the teachers who were leaving my school and a bunch of "funny" speeches about those who were leaving; that's pretty much my hell. My principal came over to me and tried to start a conversation. For some reason he went with "When are you getting married?!" which is a weird thing to ask to someone you don't really ever talk to. I wanted to say "Right now, to you. Taiwan just legalized it, let's go!" but I knew that probably wouldn't go over too well, so I just said "I don't know," and stood there smiling and feeling my organs shrivel up inside me.

Sorry I went off on a tangent there. I read your story; it really is a hell of a lot to deal with but as someone who similarly ghosts around society, I'm sure you know there ARE people out there who you can connect with. It just might take months or years to find them because they're buried underneath a lot of people you just won't enjoy. It's not always possible to find them, but they will continue trickling in and out of your life over time if you let them. I wish I knew how to make it easier to get to them, but that's something I'm trying to figure out myself.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
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Thanks for sharing. I'm glad that you are here with us :)
Thank you all for reading through that.. I won't lie, I was tearing up near the end while typing that out. I always hate telling my story but the rare times I do it's always a bit of a relief by the end.
:wd_heart:

My sense of humor is incredibly dry and most people either aren't sure how to respond or assume I'm being serious, and by the same token, their sense of humor makes me want to cringe myself into a ball until I disappear like Pac Man.

Yesterday we had a going-away party for the teachers who were leaving my school and a bunch of "funny" speeches about those who were leaving; that's pretty much my hell. My principal came over to me and tried to start a conversation. For some reason he went with "When are you getting married?!" which is a weird thing to ask to someone you don't really ever talk to. I wanted to say "Right now, to you. Taiwan just legalized it, let's go!" but I knew that probably wouldn't go over too well, so I just said "I don't know," and stood there smiling and feeling my organs shrivel up inside me.
Yep, that's pretty much me too. I can occasionally appreciate a crass or dirty joke as long as it's not intentionally hurtful or overly offensive but when it comes to me it's usually dry humor or self-deprecating. And due to me being fairly monotone with a somewhat deep voice it comes across as me either being serious like you said or they think I'm angry.

And the marriage question is always so weird, especially when it comes from people you barely know or strangers. I've gotten it a couple times.. or the, "So planning on being a father? You know, I already had kids when I was your age." Uhhh.. thanks? And maybe? I mean.. I probably wouldn't be a great dad, plus there's the whole, you know, being single thing that kind of throws a wrench into that idea.
 

NarohDethan

Anime threads enthusiast
Apr 6, 2019
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And the marriage question is always so weird, especially when it comes from people you barely know or strangers. I've gotten it a couple times.. or the, "So planning on being a father? You know, I already had kids when I was your age." Uhhh.. thanks? And maybe? I mean.. I probably wouldn't be a great dad, plus there's the whole, you know, being single thing that kind of throws a wrench into that idea.
When people ask that I always say some philosophical mental masturbation phrases so they stop goading.

Actually I'm getting the snip soon :p
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
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I usually just say im gay and it shuts most people up because I guess they forget adoption is a thing. Guess I can't complain though.
Adoption? Impossible! :p

The uncle I basically work for swears I'm gay. I like cute things and can admit and appreciate when a guy is good looking.. so I guess that's enough evidence for him. It would probably solidify it further for him if he ever found out that I support LGBTQ+ causes.

I suppose it's better than trying to explain asexuality to him.