- Apr 18, 2019
I'm so sorry, that's so intense a loss, I don't know what to say. I lost a dear one like that too, though he'd been with me not nearly as long and... Well, you always think about them, but it does get better.Since this thread is bumped... I've been heavily drinking again the past... 3 weeks, where it's kinda affecting my life in some way. One of my dogs passed away several weeks ago and I just have trouble coping, you might think this is silly but I don't know why it's so hard either.
I literally dream of my dog every morning and it haunts me because the one way to start every morning is of course waking up realizing the dream is wrong and she's no longer there. My dog was old (she was a 14 year+ old shiba) so she had trouble walking so most of my time was spent taking care of her, carrying her up and down the stairs, and taking her for a small walks every several hours, the few days before she passed when I carry her down she'd sometimes look up and stare at me like she's trying to tell me something but I did literally jack shit other than hug her, and I think about it daily, these are not so good memories of me just trying to get her to keep walking for the sake of her health and I feel like an incredibly cruel person now. My family of course have no problem "thinking of the good times" but I myself think of how shitty we probably were and how much more we could've done.
My entire schedule revolved around her, my work and sleep is revolved around her. I really don't know what I should do because now I no longer have to take care of her and I get a bunch of these "free time" that I don't know what to do with, I just start crying randomly whenever something reminds me of her, or if I just start thinking about it. I don't know if I should just try and stop thinking or try to keep thinking about it to get over it. I keep humming music in my head or just keep watching random shit so I can keep my head occupied at all times because I don't want to think or dream about it whenever I close my eyes.
Whenever I drink I get to think about how I'd start to get my shit together once this is all done but truth is when I'm sober I don't want to do shit and don't want to wake up, I'm lucky I work remotely so I could get away with this shit, but here I go downing another bottle and think it'll be better the next day only to wake up depressed and for the cycle to repeat again.
I don't know what to tell you other than grieving is okay, crying is normal, and it will get better. Just try not to self-destruct, take care of yourself. It's okay not to want to do shit, hell it's normal when you are in this much grief. Give yourself a break.
The only thing I can think of that might help is trying, and possibly failing a lot, to see what you are trying to escape by drinking. The point isn't that you are being a coward or bad in any way, but that you might have a self-hating voice or something that pushes you in that direction needlessly.
Either way, I hope this advice wasn't counterproductive and I'm truly, truly sorry for your loss .