Support Come and load off your mental struggles

Le Pertti

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I don't want to probe at this too much because I don't want to make you feel more fear than you do right now. So your entry in the system has been removed and you have to do the whole process over again? Or can it be reverted?
No worries, I am still in the system but I lost my rights. Even if I would get it back next meeting, that is next month, that would mean I lost the money I would get in February and have to wait till march to get money. So not only the money to live on but the housing aid also.
 
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Swenhir

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No worries, I am still in the system but I lost my rights. Even if I would get it back next meeting, that is next month, that would mean I lost the money I would get in February and have to wait till march to get money. So not only the money to live on but the housing aid also.
And that alone would get you thrown out? I am considering trying to help you, if my means allow but I couldn't possibly pay rent for you for a long duration, more fill in that hole the system left.
 

Le Pertti

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And that alone would get you thrown out? I am considering trying to help you, if my means allow but I couldn't possibly pay rent for you for a long duration, more fill in that hole the system left.
Thankfully I don't think I can get thrown out that fast, so best case that I got my right back next meeting it would mean I can stay but I would still have rent to pay back once I do have money.

Also don't worry about helping me out right now, I really appreciate it either way! Let me get completely broke first and be without food, then we can talk haha!
 

Swenhir

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Thankfully I don't think I can get thrown out that fast, so best case that I got my right back next meeting it would mean I can stay but I would still have rent to pay back once I do have money.

Also don't worry about helping me out right now, I really appreciate it either way! Let me get completely broke first and be without food, then we can talk haha!
I think that either way more visibility on what the state is going to do is required but... Well, I know how it feels to be in your situation and I can't not empathize with you. The way they are treating you is callous.
 
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Li Kao

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What a horrible mess Monooboe ! You have the worst of luck with these yearly rights renewing :confounded-face:
I'm not an expert on social aids, but I think you can't be thrown out of your apartment during winter time. Especially from a social one. Relax my friend ! That being said you are right, when things get sorted out you will have more debts, so things have to get sorted out asap.

I can only join Swenhir I'm not in a good situation but maybe I could participate if something gets organized. Keep us informed about the evolution of this situation.
 

Le Pertti

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Li Kao Yeah you are right, in that they probably can't throw me out until April the earliest. It was like when I was sleeping in the waiting room at the hospital right next to Notre Dame, during the winter they let people sleep there but first of April they just stopped.
 
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Li Kao

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Li Kao Yeah you are right, in that they probably can't throw me out until April the earliest. It was like when I was sleeping in the waiting room at the hospital right next to Notre Dame, during the winter they let people sleep there but first of April they just stopped.
Yeah, don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying this is a good situation. Just that you should be able to have a home for some time. But, as someone whose parents fell into over indebtedness partly due to unpaid rent, this shitty situation must be solved asap or you risk accumulating debts.
 
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ISee

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My Nephew died two weeks ago.

He was ten years old, we played Total Warhammer 2 on Monday the 18th of January and spoke via Discord. He went to bed and didn't wake up anymore.
We don't know what happened or when exactly he died. Last time his mother checked on him was around 11 p.m. He didn't complain about pain, he was healthy, he didn't fall, didn't hurt himself.

My brother and sister in law are both medical doctors, the bedroom doors are always open, medical emergency equipment was just a couple meters away (defibrillator included) because my sister in law was on emergency service. Nobody heard something, she found him dead in the morning. Tried to reanimate him, but he was long gone.

Prosecutor went all in: Full Autopsy, Toxicology, DNA testing for rare diseases. Everything came back negative. Causality isn't excluded here, there was a reason, something must have happened. We just don't know what, but the reason doesn't change anything: He is gone.

Loosing somebody you love is always terrible, I get it. But it wasn't his turn to go.

Michael was ten, he always smiled, he loved his family and his little brother. He loved reading, he got a dozen fantasy books for christmas and he nearly finished all of them before he died. He loved Star Wars, Harry Potter and all kind of and fantasy stories. He played paino and horn, did Martial Arts, and loved the sea and sailing. He was always curious and asked us non stop questions about everything.

He made the life of everybody around him better and I will miss him till my own last breath leaves my lips. We all are trapped in a nightmare since. I try to be there for my family, but I often cry. There are no words that can help me to express how much I miss him and how much pain I'm feeling. Every single memory is torture.

This was him:
 

Swenhir

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My Nephew died two weeks ago.

He was ten years old, we played Total Warhammer 2 on Monday the 18th of January and spoke via Discord. He went to bed and didn't wake up anymore.
We don't know what happened or when exactly he died. Last time his mother checked on him was around 11 p.m. He didn't complain about pain, he was healthy, he didn't fall, didn't hurt himself.

My brother and sister in law are both medical doctors, the bedroom doors are always open, medical emergency equipment was just a couple meters away (defibrillator included) because my sister in law was on emergency service. Nobody heard something, she found him dead in the morning. Tried to reanimate him, but he was long gone.

Prosecutor went all in: Full Autopsy, Toxicology, DNA testing for rare diseases. Everything came back negative. Causality isn't excluded here, there was a reason, something must have happened. We just don't know what, but the reason doesn't change anything: He is gone.

Loosing somebody you love is always terrible, I get it. But it wasn't his turn to go.

Michael was ten, he always smiled, he loved his family and his little brother. He loved reading, he got a dozen fantasy books for christmas and he nearly finished all of them before he died. He loved Star Wars, Harry Potter and all kind of and fantasy stories. He played paino and horn, did Martial Arts, and loved the sea and sailing. He was always curious and asked us non stop questions about everything.

He made the life of everybody around him better and I will miss him till my own last breath leaves my lips. We all are trapped in a nightmare since. I try to be there for my family, but I often cry. There are no words that can help me to express how much I miss him and how much pain I'm feeling. Every single memory is torture.

This was him:
This sounds horrific. There is little I can possibly say other than I'm really deeply sorry for your and their loss. This seems insanely unexpected and shattering for the families.
 
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Swenhir

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Finally got my rights restored! SO FUCKING RELIEVED! Just today I was thinking what I need to throw away and what I will pack in my backpack.
!!!!

We went from a dread of apocalypse and probably trigger-inducing thoughts to... THIS. Yes! I'm so happy for you :).

Many kittens and cute things to you, I'm so relieved to hear these news.

I just moved myself and I'm conked out of my mind. Still in hyper-vigilance mode and afraid of the slightest noise. The first night will tell whether I can truly rest here and sleep in the morning. I'm anxious!
 
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Le Pertti

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Swenhir thanks! I think the biggest fear I have is to return to the streets. I can't take it again.

Why I also got so worried about my rights is that i read somewhere that they only grant rights for two years to foreigners and I have exactly had it for two years. In the letter I got they specifically say that they have decided to continue with my rights. So I guess the shitty state of the world actually might have helped me.
 
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Anteater

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I think this is probably rock bottom for me. I haven't been able to quit this bad drinking habit I picked up again.

At the very least I won't be able to drink today, but I have zero motivation, I don't want to do my work. I literally just want to rot in a corner. Sigh. I feel like I have things I want to do but I can't because I need to work, but when I have free time I don't want to do anything.

I'd take a day off or something but I know it'd probably just make things even worse. I'm not even sure where I'm at, it just feels like suffering. I'm burned out on living and just want a break.

I thought things were getting better at some point and I finally had motivation, that didn't last very long, my mood swings the other way every other morning and now it finally sunk to the bottom.
 
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Li Kao

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Anteater I hurt reading your post. Don't you have family or close friend whom you can confide in and seek help from ? Please endure, life is long and things change. I'm really low these days too, lost, seeking the meaning of existence and without the force to do much of anything, but good news my friend, we are at the bottom, the only way is up :cat-heart-blob:

Don't hesitate to post here, to contact me, don't fear judgement, we are here for you. We have a lot more potential than we realize, we can come out of this shit and file it as one low on our journey. You are not alone.
 

Anteater

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I literally never talk to my family about things like these, I came from a culture where these things are rarely brought up, their way of treating things is literally "just feel better", it's better that they don't know so they can leave me alone.

I'm taking a day off so at the least I won't feel bad about halfassing my work. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
 

Swenhir

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I literally never talk to my family about things like these, I came from a culture where these things are rarely brought up, their way of treating things is literally "just feel better", it's better that they don't know so they can leave me alone.

I'm taking a day off so at the least I won't feel bad about halfassing my work. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
That "just feel better" and wanting to be left alone by people who should be your source of strength and support... Is entirely too relatable. It's screwed up and the culture that breeds it is rotten to the core. I'm truly sorry that you are feeling so alone with this :(.
 
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Li Kao

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I'm beginning to feel I'm bipolar. Now don't get me wrong, I like putting words on things but apart from things I can categorically identify (Social phobia, Reading OCD), I wouldn't dare be definitive here. Buuuuuuuttt, I read that basically consist of going through depressive and manic (let's say hyper) period. And that left me thinking. Depressive yeah no question, but at first I read hyper 'physically', and I'm clearly not that way lol. Now if we are talking obsessive moods... oh boy. One period I'm all video games, another I'm full comic books etc. Which doesn't seem that bad at first when you don't realize how it can be tiring to have these mood swings. You can't really have a well organized hobby life when one day you are like this and the other day like that. Hence why I have big difficulties reading books or long serial, the mood swing happens faster than the completion of the current thing. And I feel the periods got shorter with times, great :disappointed-but-relieved-face:
 
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Swenhir

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I'm beginning to feel I'm bipolar. Now don't get me wrong, I like putting words on things but apart from things I can categorically identify (Social phobia, Reading OCD), I wouldn't dare be definitive here. Buuuuuuuttt, I read that basically consist of going through depressive and manic (let's say hyper) period. And that left me thinking. Depressive yeah no question, but at first I read hyper 'physically', and I'm clearly not that way lol. Now if we are talking obsessive moods... oh boy. One period I'm all video games, another I'm full comic books etc. Which doesn't seem that bad at first when you don't realize how it can be tiring to have these mood swings. You can't really have a well organized hobby life when one day you are like this and the other day like that. Hence why I have big difficulties reading books or long serial, the mood swing happens faster than the completion of the current thing. And I feel the periods got shorter with times, great :disappointed-but-relieved-face:
I think both Bipolar and Borderline and extremely ill-defined, and I believe pretty ill-understood things as well. They tend to be convenient boxes to throw people into and apply labels to while not really looking at the reasons people feel the way they do.

That's not to say you aren't bipolar but I'd be wary of self-diagnosing too heavily ^^.
 
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Li Kao

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I think both Bipolar and Borderline and extremely ill-defined, and I believe pretty ill-understood things as well. They tend to be convenient boxes to throw people into and apply labels to while not really looking at the reasons people feel the way they do.

That's not to say you aren't bipolar but I'd be wary of self-diagnosing too heavily ^^.
True, true. Bipolar is quite clearly the illness du jour (I don’t want to disparage people suffering from it, though) and several new illness or phobias seem indeed ill defined or redundant with actual know troubles.
 
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Wok

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I'm beginning to feel I'm bipolar.
That is what I suspected when you wrote:

- So yeah I don't really feel like doing anything, just sleep, eat, and sleep again, fucking up my sleeping cycle.

But on the other hand, I feel like flipping every fucking tables (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Toying with ideas, watching them brew and hoping they materialize.

- I feel this urge to wash my living room walls, yellowed by cigarette smoke. Maybe add some plants. Tidy things up, stop living in a cave.
Obviously, take it with a grain of salt as I don't know much about this disorder, but that switching mood is an interesting observation.

Edit: Nobody except a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose though ; importantly, you cannot do it by yourself, and neither could a stranger over the Internet.
 
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Swenhir

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Edit: Nobody except a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose though ; importantly, you cannot do it by yourself, and neither could a stranger over the Internet.
This. A good psychiatrist, and I've lost pretty much all faith in them from personal experience unfortunately. There's a variance in knowledge about the field from one professional to another that can span multiple decades, making the expected treatment range from being guilt-tripped and abused/re-traumatized to being understood and actually helped.

Word of mouth might be key there, or good reviews.
 
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Li Kao

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Looking into it a bit more (so not much at all, just a google search and a quick scan at one of the results) I don't think I'm suffering from that. I mean, there are a lot of symptoms that I don't feel fit me well. Again, you guys are totally right about self-diagnosing, I was just trying to put a word on my 'sufferings'.

Wok I would say that your observation about my past post was really interesting, truly, but for the time being I would argue that you took a depressive feeling mixed with a desire for rebirth for the depressive / manic symptoms.
 
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Le Pertti

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Today is hard, finally my ex came and got all her stuff from my place of course we argued a lot. I know I broke it off and all that, still I just feel a sense of panic. And to add to that yet again my rights are under threat, my social worker it might be as soon as next week.

I just can't concentrate at school at all. My dating apps are going crazy with messages and I just don't have the energy to answer any.

Had three dates lined up this weekend but I'm letting all of them just slide by. Well maybe on Sunday because she way gorgeous haha.
 

Swenhir

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Today is hard, finally my ex came and got all her stuff from my place of course we argued a lot. I know I broke it off and all that, still I just feel a sense of panic. And to add to that yet again my rights are under threat, my social worker it might be as soon as next week.

I just can't concentrate at school at all. My dating apps are going crazy with messages and I just don't have the energy to answer any.

Had three dates lined up this weekend but I'm letting all of them just slide by. Well maybe on Sunday because she way gorgeous haha.
I'm really sorry, that seems like it sucks massively. I hope things get better soon!

I do wonder though, what dating apps do you use? I'm not sure I'm anywhere near ready to go in that direction again, but I would like to know :).
 

Le Pertti

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I'm really sorry, that seems like it sucks massively. I hope things get better soon!

I do wonder though, what dating apps do you use? I'm not sure I'm anywhere near ready to go in that direction again, but I would like to know :).
I use mostly badoo and tinder. I have some others but don’t have matches on those yet. I think I have the most luck with badoo but I think always depends on location.
 
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Anteater

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My 1 day off turned into 4 the other week, I did nothing but sleep each day. However I felt great afterward, so I guess I just needed that break. I got caught up with work during the week and was able to stay sober for the weekdays. I'm gonna try harder the coming weeks and get back on track with things I wanted to do now that I was able to reorganize my schedule better.

Sleeping is still a little hard, but it's not bad, just not used to it after so many months of messed up sleep schedule.
 

Li Kao

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I cleaned up one full wall in my living room. Check some posts earlier for context.
Becoming increasingly aware that things won't change by themselves. That by doing nothing the only certainty is loneliness and death. So yeah, like the most famous Belgian singer once sang, 'Being desperate, yeah, but with elegance'.
I still see no solution to my social and work issues, but I won't go down without a fight.
 

Swenhir

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I cleaned up one full wall in my living room. Check some posts earlier for context.
Becoming increasingly aware that things won't change by themselves. That by doing nothing the only certainty is loneliness and death. So yeah, like the most famous Belgian singer once sang, 'Being desperate, yeah, but with elegance'.
I still see no solution to my social and work issues, but I won't go down without a fight.
Baby steps, congratulations on managing to do that much today! Building a habit, even a small one, to the extent you can manage helps a lot. For example, I took up drawing one thing every day, even if it's a single scribble, even a single line. I don't know whether it helps, but it helps me feel better about myself.
 
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ISee

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It's seven weeks now and we got news from the pathology last week.

To quote the two doctors there: "The heart appears to be to big. Though it is hard to find conclusive data what too big really means. Also something is wrong with the histology. I can't describe it further, but something is off."

We always considered some sort of rare heart disease to be the culprit. As said in my first post, causality isn't excluded here.
We found a research program that is specialized on cases where adults and children suddenly die and we were able to contact them and they'll look into it. A heart stopping during stress or heavy load is different from a heart stopping while at rest and so the later phenomenon is less known about and more hard to explain and that where their research come into play.
My family is their fourth case this year alone. The scientific leader told us that the case before us was a twelve year old dying while watching TV. One second he was there, the next he fell over dead. In some of those cases they are able to find rare genetic defects, like in his case.

Knowing what happened is both good and it scares the shit out of me. IF it is a genetic defect further examination will be necessary. The family line with the defect will be tested because this means other children could be affected too. It also doesn't mean that there will nessacarly be a solution to prevent another incident.

We contacted the heart centers at the university clinics in our cities and explained the situation. They are holding conferences to determine and vote who is the most experienced child cardiologist in our regions and will ask them to take over our children as patients. They will also work in colaboration with the research program, if need be.

I am scared, tired, in deep grief, powerless and desperate.
 

Swenhir

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I am scared, tired, in deep grief, powerless and desperate.
There nothing I feel I can say that will help with this. It's understandably terrifying. I'm just terribly sorry, that's a horrible situation and fear to have. I'm glad you can get help from a special at least, to find some peace of mind.
 
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Li Kao

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Second and third wall down. Do I clean the fourth one or...
do I break it ? badum tss

ISee My thoughts are with you. I may not have replied each time you posted about that awful period you are in, but you and your family are in my heart.
 
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Li Kao

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Fourth wall down ! (yeah, when I make a pause I MAKE A PAUSE !)
Now to sort and throw away a ton of shit. And hopefully sell a thing or two.
I need to throw away a lot in order to move, our current apartment is sucking our budget dry at 770 euros for four rooms. We need to downsize and so we must fight the hoard.
...
It's the next step that will be really funny, though ! Social housing give us one proposition a year if we are lucky, we don't have money to move, we don't have money for bail, and looks like nobody is interested in taking our old furnitures ! I don't have a car, so what will I do of them ? Pfft !
 
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ISee

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Wife woke up with a fever (39.5°C) today and coughed out green stuff in the morning. I'm having diarrhea, 38.2°C, a terrible headache and a light cough.
We just returned home from the PCR test center. We should know more in 12-24h, but I'm not having high hopes. Kids are at least fine.

We were going grocery shopping (once a week) and went to a specialized cardiologist, in the lasts four weeks. That's it, no other social interactions but with my parents who were also completely shut off. You see, my mom is in need of care so we shut off all other people so we can be there for them.
We are always wearing our ffp2 masks, strictly disinfecting hands, keys, smartphones and wallets before reentering home or the car. Maybe not necessary, but it surely didn't hurt...

We were scheduled for vaccination in 9 days. The appointment was hard to get, Dark Souls levels of patience and persistence were necessary for several weeks: Hanging in the hotline and refreshing the webpage for hours per day during our spare time.
Funny enough, german media is spilling some kind of "vaccines are there, but people do not want them" bull. But our experience doesn't seem to be unique, most people who got an appointment are confirming that it is borderline impossible to get through, let alone get an appointement.

I should be working now, but I do not have any "will" left in me anymore. I'm going to cook a big pot of soup now and than keep taking care of the kids and my wife for as long as I'm able and fever medicine will keep me going.
No idea what I'm supposed to do with the dog. He'll have to learn to shit in a designated spot I guess. I'm seriously out of solutions.

I'm not even angry or sad at this point. I'm just empty. because I know things could get even worse.

This is also my last post for the time being. I just do not have anything to add to this place anymore, but dark thoughts.
Good luck to you all.
 

Wok

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We just returned home from the PCR test center. We should know more in 12-24h.
If it is COVID, based on what you wrote, then you got it from the hospital or the inner family circle with whom you don't wear masks.

Keep us posted. Take care.
 

Li Kao

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This is also my last post for the time being. I just do not have anything to add to this place anymore, but dark thoughts.
Good luck to you all.
I hope you will be able to catch a break soon, my friend ! This is seriously hard to even read. There is shit and there is shit, ffs.
That being said, don't lose hope, even if it's the dreaded shit that poisoned our lives for one year now, every story don't end bad.
Please endure, and tell us how it goes. I'm rooting for you and yours.
 
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Li Kao

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Daily ping to ISee. How are you and your family ? Don't bother answering if you are tired. We just care :photoblobheart:
 
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Li Kao

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I’m not good.

1. My mother has a nasty pimple that must be taken off by a skin doctor. I’m not totally worried out of my mind because several doctors or secretaries told us it’s not a ‘omg, remove it quickkkk !’ situation. But it’s not a looker and while things may not be helped, I’ve been burned on waiting time for important doctors with my late father.

2. We are hitting rock bottom, money wise. I’m so tired. Every motherfucker wants his 100+ euros, we eat shit and pay through the nose for it. 150euros today, we are not even April the 1st, for a supply run with very little meat. I budget our monthly food orders at 400. We can’t really afford 400, but seing nearly half of it going poof on the 31st is making me shit titanic bricks.

3. I want to play. Every. Games.

4. I don’t shit hours in the day, so outlook on playing everything is not looking good.

5. Even then, I don’t really play, or very little. I feel guilty to not be a working adult and a miserable piece of shit. My brain is no fool and isn’t duped, it sends very clear signals amounting to ‘you don’t fool me, no escapism for you’.

Basically, I’m so very tired. Invoices, loneliness and no conceivable future. I would like a future, it must feel good.