Support Come and load off your mental struggles

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
I spoke a little about it with lashman and I figured I owed it to anyone else that might be curious. The past week or so I've kind of been through Hell. A lot of personal stuff, a bunch of worries about bills and money and a dash of depression.

In a couple posts over the months I've mentioned how I rarely stick with one forum for long. It's never because of the people that post there, it's because I worry that my near constant troubles will scare folks off or they'll start to ignore me due to growing tired of hearing it. I've dealt with it outside of the internet and as I mentioned in my long post about myself it's just easier for me to vanish. The moment I feel that I'm becoming a burden or no longer have a purpose I bail.

I really want to break that habit. This is the first time I've ever actually felt regret and would miss a lot of you if I followed through. I can't promise that something like this won't happen again, but I do promise to at least be upfront about it next time. I don't want folks to worry about me. :cat-heart-blob:

I'm probably not going to be back to posting for a little while yet though I will be setting my avatar again soon. I look forward to chatting with you all again! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
The moment I feel that I'm becoming a burden or no longer have a purpose I bail.
you are ABSOLUTELY not becoming burden ... in fact - i genuinely like talking to you about stuff! :)

I really want to break that habit. This is the first time I've ever actually felt regret and would miss a lot of you if I followed through. I can't promise that something like this won't happen again, but I do promise to at least be upfront about it next time. I don't want folks to worry about me. :cat-heart-blob:
that's good to hear ... and i hope you can do it! :)

I'm probably not going to be back to posting for a little while yet though I will be setting my avatar again soon. I look forward to chatting with you all again! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
take your time ... however long you need ... and then come back and let us know

miss you already!

:wd_heart:
 

Swenhir

Junior Member
Apr 18, 2019
259
841
93
I spoke a little about it with lashman and I figured I owed it to anyone else that might be curious. The past week or so I've kind of been through Hell. A lot of personal stuff, a bunch of worries about bills and money and a dash of depression.

In a couple posts over the months I've mentioned how I rarely stick with one forum for long. It's never because of the people that post there, it's because I worry that my near constant troubles will scare folks off or they'll start to ignore me due to growing tired of hearing it. I've dealt with it outside of the internet and as I mentioned in my long post about myself it's just easier for me to vanish. The moment I feel that I'm becoming a burden or no longer have a purpose I bail.

I really want to break that habit. This is the first time I've ever actually felt regret and would miss a lot of you if I followed through. I can't promise that something like this won't happen again, but I do promise to at least be upfront about it next time. I don't want folks to worry about me. :cat-heart-blob:

I'm probably not going to be back to posting for a little while yet though I will be setting my avatar again soon. I look forward to chatting with you all again! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
I know the feeling, you are perfectly fine. Hold on and come at any time you'd like :).
 

NarohDethan

Anime threads enthusiast
Apr 6, 2019
2,571
5,915
113
I spoke a little about it with lashman and I figured I owed it to anyone else that might be curious. The past week or so I've kind of been through Hell. A lot of personal stuff, a bunch of worries about bills and money and a dash of depression.

In a couple posts over the months I've mentioned how I rarely stick with one forum for long. It's never because of the people that post there, it's because I worry that my near constant troubles will scare folks off or they'll start to ignore me due to growing tired of hearing it. I've dealt with it outside of the internet and as I mentioned in my long post about myself it's just easier for me to vanish. The moment I feel that I'm becoming a burden or no longer have a purpose I bail.

I really want to break that habit. This is the first time I've ever actually felt regret and would miss a lot of you if I followed through. I can't promise that something like this won't happen again, but I do promise to at least be upfront about it next time. I don't want folks to worry about me. :cat-heart-blob:

I'm probably not going to be back to posting for a little while yet though I will be setting my avatar again soon. I look forward to chatting with you all again! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
You're one of us. We stick together, and you will never be a burden. Stay strong.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
I whipped up a little something to express my gratitude for all of the love and support. It's honestly gotten me a little teary eyed. Thank you all so much.

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lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
I whipped up a little something to express my gratitude for all of the love and support. It's honestly gotten me a little teary eyed. Thank you all so much.
awwww ... thanks, man ... you're the bestest!!! :photoblobheart:

by the way - i always wanted to ask, but keep forgetting to do it, lol ... you're the one drawing your avatars, right?
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
awwww ... thanks, man ... you're the bestest!!! :photoblobheart:

by the way - i always wanted to ask, but keep forgetting to do it, lol ... you're the one drawing your avatars, right?
I wish I had the artistic talent to have drawn these.. or any artistic talent really, but no, I found them a couple years ago on a Night in the Woods fansite and they had originally been taken from someone's tumblr. Sadly I forget the artist's name. She did some pretty great work outside of these avatars.

And I guess it makes a little more sense now when MonthOLDpickle jokingly asked me to draw a couple funny pictures at least. :LOL:
 
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lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
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113
I wish I had the artistic talent to have drawn these.. or any artistic talent really, but no, I found them a couple years ago on a Night in the Woods fansite and they had originally been taken from someone's tumblr. Sadly I forget the artist's name. She did some pretty great work outside of these avatars.

And I guess it makes a little more sense now when MonthOLDpickle jokingly asked me to draw a couple funny pictures at least. :LOL:
ahh, i see ... still cool :) i was just wondering because you keep changing them quite often, haha :)
 
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blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
ahh, i see ... still cool :) i was just wondering because you keep changing them quite often, haha :)
Ha! Yeah, it helps that there's 8 of them to choose from and since they're similar enough it helps so that I don't throw folks off with an entirely brand new avatar. I am the one that did pride-ify a few of them though. Which took me far longer to figure out than it probably should have. :p

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Hopefully I can find her name again someday so I can give her the proper credit for these.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Ha! Yeah, it helps that there's 8 of them to choose from and since they're similar enough it helps so that I don't throw folks off with an entirely brand new avatar. I am the one that did pride-ify a few of them though. Which took me far longer to figure out than it probably should have. :p
haha, nice! :) and yeah, they are pretty cool!
 

Monooboe

Vagabond Perv Photographer
Oct 10, 2018
1,607
3,253
113
40
Paris, France
www.fancierlust.com
That really sucks, although the fact that you are feeling better is really great to hear. It's a new chapter :).
It's actually a good thing, I initiated the break up after all.:D she was awesome but I felt little that I don't need to be in a relationship, for everything I want to do it might be better to be on my own. Also that I have strong feelings for an ex who something writes how much she fantasies about me haha. But she has a boyfriend, just because he can provide a good life, pffft damned capitalistic society.
 

Swenhir

Junior Member
Apr 18, 2019
259
841
93
It's actually a good thing, I initiated the break up after all.:D she was awesome but I felt little that I don't need to be in a relationship, for everything I want to do it might be better to be on my own. Also that I have strong feelings for an ex who something writes how much she fantasies about me haha. But she has a boyfriend, just because he can provide a good life, pffft damned capitalistic society.
I'm going to be a little cold and naive but if she feels like she doesn't want to choose you and goes instead for who gives her a good life, maybe it isn't the kind of "love" you'd want anyway. After two years of travel, I get what you mean by the kind of freedom and flexibility being on your own provides. I also have to say that I've seen couples just be amazing together in that life as well, depending on the person it might work for you too :).
 

Monooboe

Vagabond Perv Photographer
Oct 10, 2018
1,607
3,253
113
40
Paris, France
www.fancierlust.com
I'm going to be a little cold and naive but if she feels like she doesn't want to choose you and goes instead for who gives her a good life, maybe it isn't the kind of "love" you'd want anyway. After two years of travel, I get what you mean by the kind of freedom and flexibility being on your own provides. I also have to say that I've seen couples just be amazing together in that life as well, depending on the person it might work for you too :).
Well I'm a hard man to choose haha, since well I'm a homeless bum without a job. She saw me at my worst. As she said, she can't chose me because she needs stability. Of course she loves her boyfriend but not in a passionate way. She has tried to leave but always been talked back into it. Like I get it, I would also chose someone with a nice apartment and job!

But yeah I'm not holding out for her, I probably don't even want her like that. And when I "make it" and she would come to me I couldn't be with her then either because I would resent her too much.
 
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z1ggy

No Anime
Apr 17, 2019
62
170
33
I've come to realize the other day that I dont fear death anymore. I'm not suicidal, just sort of ready to go. I'm having trouble enjoying things. Work isn't bad but I just cant be bothered to be doing this crap for the next few decades. Im so sick of dealing with my moms health issues, and my friends bore the hell out of me. I cant spend the rest of my 20s playing board games in a basement. Fuck off. What comes after this? When can i find love? I'm done man. I'm tired. Look at me, whole house to myself, office job, and still complaining.

I want out
My friend, life is about setting up goals and trying to reach them out. As you linked after your post, we arent designed to be happy, rather to find peace and discover new shit out there.

If you dont want to be in the same place in the next 20 years, what do you really want to do? What are you going to do to change your own future? There´s too much shit to discover out there and life can make some wild turn arounds.
 
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deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
461
919
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My friend, life is about setting up goals and trying to reach them out. As you linked after your post, we arent designed to be happy, rather to find peace and discover new shit out there.

If you dont want to be in the same place in the next 20 years, what do you really want to do? What are you going to do to change your own future? There´s too much shit to discover out there and life can make some wild turn arounds.
I appreciate you reaching out, Z1g, and I'm well tuned to pulling myself up by my boot straps and taking control of the wheel. Unfortunately, I also have type 2 bipolar disorder and due to familial reasons, I work my struggles out through exercise, art, and meditation. I'd rather not rot my organs with prescription medication the way my mother has for something which I can treat otherwise. As a result, sometimes I'm a little uneven and in the gutter, and end up posting things like that post.

Currently more focused than ever on getting my video work back into gear though. I need to do something creative with my life or I really have a missed opportunity on my hands. At least that's what I infer from all the self-help and buddhist books I read.

Salut, and hail Satan. :smart-thinking-blob:
 

z1ggy

No Anime
Apr 17, 2019
62
170
33
I appreciate you reaching out, Z1g, and I'm well tuned to pulling myself up by my boot straps and taking control of the wheel. Unfortunately, I also have type 2 bipolar disorder and due to familial reasons, I work my struggles out through exercise, art, and meditation. I'd rather not rot my organs with prescription medication the way my mother has for something which I can treat otherwise. As a result, sometimes I'm a little uneven and in the gutter, and end up posting things like that post.

Currently more focused than ever on getting my video work back into gear though. I need to do something creative with my life or I really have a missed opportunity on my hands. At least that's what I infer from all the self-help and buddhist books I read.

Salut, and hail Satan. :smart-thinking-blob:
Get cannabis oil, you can always talk to me if you need any something ✨
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
Going through an even rougher patch in a period that has already been a rough patch and started smoking again after three months off of it. Agh. Need to get my mind in order, get back to meditating each morning and quit again.
Sorry to hear about the rough spot you're in. :cat-heart-blob:

Once things are able to settle down for you I hope you do take another shot at quitting. Three months is a pretty good stretch and I'm sure you'll be able to beat the habit once everything cooperates with you a little better! :)
 

JMTHEFOX

Planning to Be a Game Designer
Oct 4, 2018
455
596
93
Brooklyn, NY
My mom just left this morning to visit in Dubai to meet her new husband. I am scared as fuck since she might be arrested at the airport there for unauthorized drugs. She looked up the medications on the embassary website and the medicine aren't on their ban list. Still, I am so fucking concerned that she will be taken to jail in Dubai. :(

I sent her a message on whatsapp to check if she is okay. I feel like I am crying now.
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
My mom just left this morning to visit in Dubai to meet her new husband. I am scared as fuck since she might be arrested at the airport there for unauthorized drugs. She looked up the medications on the embassary website and the medicine aren't on their ban list. Still, I am so fucking concerned that she will be taken to jail in Dubai. :(

I sent her a message on whatsapp to check if she is okay. I feel like I am crying now.
I can understand that worry. Especially when you've made sure to double and triple check everything. But it does seem like she made sure to take every precaution and hopefully you two will be able to get in contact and talk soon.

Stay strong and we're always here if you need to talk. :cat-heart-blob:
 

「Echo」

Fīat jūstitia ruat cælum.
Nov 1, 2018
1,171
2,890
113
Mt. Whatever
In the last couple months, sometimes I just start randomly crying and at first it seems to come out of nowhere and for no reason, but then it hits me how much I miss my little brother. Like I really do just miss even the small things, just being able to bullshit about literally anything with him.

This sometimes happens at work and I try so hard to suppress it, and so far so good, but then I get home and it comes out. I worry about the time I can't hold it back at work or in public. I worry if I'll be like this for the rest of my life?

I miss him so much.

I'm bringing it up now cuz it happened again tonight. I saw a Gears 5 commercial on TV and that was his favorite video game series (I dunno why, but hey, we had a lot of fun in co-op/horde! )... I've been looking forward to Gears 5 myself this whole time and it never really made me sad, but now that the release is upon us and... I dunno seeing it on TV triggered something in me and I just started pouring tears. He wanted to play it so bad, and I wanted to play it with him...
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
In the last couple months, sometimes I just start randomly crying and at first it seems to come out of nowhere and for no reason, but then it hits me how much I miss my little brother. Like I really do just miss even the small things, just being able to bullshit about literally anything with him.

This sometimes happens at work and I try so hard to suppress it, and so far so good, but then I get home and it comes out. I worry about the time I can't hold it back at work or in public. I worry if I'll be like this for the rest of my life?

I miss him so much.

I'm bringing it up now cuz it happened again tonight. I saw a Gears 5 commercial on TV and that was his favorite video game series (I dunno why, but hey, we had a lot of fun in co-op/horde! )... I've been looking forward to Gears 5 myself this whole time and it never really made me sad, but now that the release is upon us and... I dunno seeing it on TV triggered something in me and I just started pouring tears. He wanted to play it so bad, and I wanted to play it with him...
The small things will be the roughest for a while. There's things like hearing the name of a certain athlete or musician that make me remember my brother. Or the times I play the NBA 2k series and remember the fun we had.

I can say that it will get easier. It will still bum you out slightly from time to time, but it won't cause a breakdown. Eventually some of those smaller things will get the occasional smile as you remember how great that time was.

If it ever does get to be too much and you do start crying at work then one would hope your co-workers would understand immediately or at the very least would after you explain. If there's someone that doesn't get why then I kind of pity them in a way.. because they obviously don't have someone in their life that they are that close with.

And whenever you're feeling up to it you could always play Gears 5 to honor and remember your brother. It might seem like a silly gesture to some, but just putting a positive spin on things like that does help. :cat-heart-blob:
 

Jkm23

A Gamer posting from the brig
Jul 12, 2019
386
633
93
I've been a terribad mood this week and TBH its mostly shit heads online. Everyone has sympathy for those addicted to almost any drug BESIDES nicotine. Nicotine addict = lolDarwinism. FUCK EVERYONE who says that. FUCK. YOU. I read the comment sections, forums and everywhere the last week talking about the recent news regarding vaping and the illnesses. God the judgmental FUCKS are everywhere. I actually wish them pain and stress after reading some of the things I've read, I really do.

Seriously, there are a lot of us who are scared, who've tried to quit, have quit only to fall back, who are still working on it and all of this news scares us. You saying "good, now die" make me wish a lot of pain and suffering on you. Sorry, not fucking sorry.

I'm down to .01% nic (not a typo), unflavored and this is the month I stop vaping for good. Its going to suck, I could do without the assholes, thank you.
 

Nahkapukki

Finest Finn
Sep 7, 2018
648
974
93
36
The Iciest Hole
Finally taking steps in order to get my head unfucked from my work boredom. Going to see a workhealth specialist about my increasing work related exhaustion and I hope I can get through that I'm so bored that I'm actually getting pretty damn depressed due to it.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
Finally taking steps in order to get my head unfucked from my work boredom. Going to see a workhealth specialist about my increasing work related exhaustion and I hope I can get through that I'm so bored that I'm actually getting pretty damn depressed due to it.
damn :( hope things will get better for you soon

:wd_heart:
 

Nahkapukki

Finest Finn
Sep 7, 2018
648
974
93
36
The Iciest Hole
I'm fine otherwise. That's the most annoying thing ever. I always get queried how are the stuff at home and I say they are fine which in their heads means that I'm not saying something. It's just my fucking work. I get paid but that's the sole perk of it.
 

Nahkapukki

Finest Finn
Sep 7, 2018
648
974
93
36
The Iciest Hole
And it was all for naught. She wrote an email to my boss that recommends I'd be moved to another post. Basically what I've been requesting for almost 10 years. At least she gave me a doctors appointment but I doubt that will lead in to anything. Fuuck I wish they'd just fire my ass since they clearly don't want me there.
 

lashman

Dead & Forgotten
Sep 5, 2018
11,361
21,269
113
And it was all for naught. She wrote an email to my boss that recommends I'd be moved to another post. Basically what I've been requesting for almost 10 years. At least she gave me a doctors appointment but I doubt that will lead in to anything. Fuuck I wish they'd just fire my ass since they clearly don't want me there.
damn, dude .... that sucks donkey balls :(
 

Swenhir

Junior Member
Apr 18, 2019
259
841
93
I've been a terribad mood this week and TBH its mostly shit heads online. Everyone has sympathy for those addicted to almost any drug BESIDES nicotine. Nicotine addict = lolDarwinism. FUCK EVERYONE who says that. FUCK. YOU. I read the comment sections, forums and everywhere the last week talking about the recent news regarding vaping and the illnesses. God the judgmental FUCKS are everywhere. I actually wish them pain and stress after reading some of the things I've read, I really do.

Seriously, there are a lot of us who are scared, who've tried to quit, have quit only to fall back, who are still working on it and all of this news scares us. You saying "good, now die" make me wish a lot of pain and suffering on you. Sorry, not fucking sorry.

I'm down to .01% nic (not a typo), unflavored and this is the month I stop vaping for good. Its going to suck, I could do without the assholes, thank you.
I feel you. I have seen this and sympathy suffers from prejudice a lot. You did amazing to get this far. I have family members who have gone through quitting and I know at least a little bit of the pain. You are doing awesome and I sympathize with people just beating down on you when you are doing your best with the struggle you have.

Well done.
 

Jkm23

A Gamer posting from the brig
Jul 12, 2019
386
633
93
I feel you. I have seen this and sympathy suffers from prejudice a lot. You did amazing to get this far. I have family members who have gone through quitting and I know at least a little bit of the pain. You are doing awesome and I sympathize with people just beating down on you when you are doing your best with the struggle you have.

Well done.
Thank you. Sometimes it takes someone who has suffered to understand, especially with nicotine use. I don't pressure any smokers I see to vape nor would I ever give them shit. I started this year at .015% nic, slid back to .03%, fought back to .01% this month. I'm working on going exclusively unflavored due to both the moral panic and my desire to no longer smell like vape flavors. (which is a thing!)

About the beating down, its not even the people in your life who are the worst, its the random strangers. In the "other place" there are at least 10 posts saying 'only oxygen for me!' and when called out on their holier than thou shittiness they scurried away like roaches. I'm sure that most of those holier than thou fucks are from the USA, where the doctrine of "unlimited retaliation and judgement when you make bad choices" is in effect.

I shouldn't be so angry. The good news is that they found culprit, it was vitamin E oil added to THC pods to thin the "juice". https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2019/09/05/contaminant-found-vaping-products-linked-deadly-lung-illnesses-state-federal-labs-show/?noredirect=on. Makes sense that it was something new to market causing these sudden illnesses.
 
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Hektor

Degenerate and Proud
Nov 1, 2018
1,805
4,058
113
Just recovered from an anxiety attack that i got for basically no particular reason.
Just saw something that sent me into a spontanous downwards spiral.
Sure sucks having moodswings and being able to go from being fine to wanting to kill yourself to being fine again in a whopping 30 minutes.

Right now i'm okay tho.
Think i'll chug some and go to bed early
:VodkaWaifu:
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
Just recovered from an anxiety attack that i got for basically no particular reason.
Just saw something that sent me into a spontanous downwards spiral.
Sure sucks having moodswings and being able to go from being fine to wanting to kill yourself to being fine again in a whopping 30 minutes.

Right now i'm okay tho.
Think i'll chug some and go to bed early
:VodkaWaifu:
Sorry that I don't have any help to offer.. but you're definitely not alone when it comes to that feeling.

I was in a very similar spot yesterday. One minor screw up on my part that didn't affect anyone or anything, but was just enough to cause me to hate myself. It's been like that quite often for me during the past week.

I am glad to hear you're in a better mood now and I hope things will take a turn in a positive direction for you! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
 

NarohDethan

Anime threads enthusiast
Apr 6, 2019
2,571
5,915
113
Sorry that I don't have any help to offer.. but you're definitely not alone when it comes to that feeling.

I was in a very similar spot yesterday. One minor screw up on my part that didn't affect anyone or anything, but was just enough to cause me to hate myself. It's been like that quite often for me during the past week.

I am glad to hear you're in a better mood now and I hope things will take a turn in a positive direction for you! :smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes:
Hahaha, I can relate to that

Nobody:

My mind: you’re fucking uselessssss
 

blindrhythm

positively pudding
Apr 17, 2019
746
2,378
93
Hahaha, I can relate to that

Nobody:

My mind: you’re fucking uselessssss
Yeah, that's pretty accurate. :LOL:

Or there's the times I'll apologize to someone over a screw up on my part only for them to be like, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Then I'm left to wonder if they just didn't notice or if it wasn't as big of a deal as I assumed. Usually it's the latter.
 

deftones r cool

I̷n̴t̵o̸ ̷t̷h̵e̶ ̵v̵o̵i̸d̵
Apr 19, 2019
461
919
93
I've recently started dressing better. Like, a lot better. Ive become a huge fan of both J Crew and Ralph Lauren. To the point where I feel somewhat dressed down wearing anything but. I'm also adoring my 1000 mile Wolverine boots I now wear daily. All of this purchased second hand from ebay btw. All clothes simple in design and complementary in colors so I can mix and match outfits as I please.

Dressing well has boosted my confidence tremendously and I was even complimented by one of the most attractive women at work recently.

This is all part of me learning to love myself. It's hard to be angry and bitter when you're well dressed, you sleep (alone) in a king sized bed, have your own home office and den. I'm running out of things to be antsy about apart from my frustrations with dating and crippling familial issues.

Should start hitting the gym again after building this wardrobe. I cant afford to grow out of these clothes tbh.