Support Come and load off your mental struggles

[Swenhir]

I hope I didn’t give the sentiment that iSee owed us anything and it’s me caring so much about this topic that makes me feel somehow involved when you mention it, people.

I felt the same way, I was worried a lot. To be blunt, I thought he'd died from covid. But saying that you resent his silence, to me, puts the emotional pressure on him to feel guilty about his not coming here and I don't think that was fair. People should be free to come and go and I feel like we have to live with them having that freedom.

 

[Li Kao]

I felt the same way, I was worried a lot. To be blunt, I thought he'd died from covid. But saying that you resent his silence, to me, puts the emotional pressure on him to feel guilty about his not coming here and I don't think that was fair. People should be free to come and go and I feel like we have to live with them having that freedom.

So it’s what I feared. I won’t OT the thread further. My feelings about this are raw and I don’t think you did a charitable reading of the resentment part for what it’s worth.

- edit -
I just had the most lovely discussion with Swenhir on Discord. POVs were exchanged, emotions were untangled, we were just raw for different reasons. I'm glad I could settle things up with my friend. Some rare times, even a message board as great as Meta has its limits to convey the nuances in our heart.

 

[Swenhir]

I have been having a really, really rough time of it for the past month and I think I am contemplating taking a break from Meta.

I don't know if it is social media in general or something in the air but I am so done with feeling awful because of it. The string of discussions I had lately just drained me of any pleasure I felt at visiting this place which had grown thin at it was. I find myself dreading another round of it more than desiring the company of like-minded, mature and warm people.

This used to be a place that made me smile and it isn't anymore of late. Maybe it's me and the trauma, the flashbacks building up after two years trapped in this country that darkens my outlook. Maybe it is just burnout from other social interactions in other places. I don't know. I know I feel like I am feeling increasingly afraid of posting anything instead of looking forward to sharing things I love. I just see more and more things that harken back to Era, to reddit and a lack of compassion and I lack the energy to try to help.

Sorry for the slightly pointless post but I needed to at least try and articulate this.

 

[Le Pertti]

Swenhir Never feel bad about sharing things you love, even if there are others that don't see it that way, don't let that take anything away from what you feel about it and keep sharing. We need that! Everything means different things to different people and that is something we also need in a community.

It is ok to take a break and MC will still be here, but I do hope you come back and find us nerds lovable again.

 

[Li Kao]

I had trouble formulating a reply but Le Pertti did it great !
I'm sorry you feel that way, and if the triggering moment was your recent argument about SC, I don't see why you can't just, not even agree to disagree, more like be at peace with the fact other people don't share your POV on the subject and move on. BUT that's an external point of view and I'm sure it's oversimplifying your feelings.
So yeah, I really don't like you taking a break, but if taking a break means a positive evolution to your well being, and open the chance for you to come back happier, then so be it.

I hate losing a friend to negativity, but you being and feeling well is paramount

 

[Swenhir]

I had trouble formulating a reply but Le Pertti did it great !
I'm sorry you feel that way, and if the triggering moment was your recent argument about SC, I don't see why you can't just, not even agree to disagree, more like be at peace with the fact other people don't share your POV on the subject and move on. BUT that's an external point of view and I'm sure it's oversimplifying your feelings.
So yeah, I really don't like you taking a break, but if taking a break means a positive evolution to your well being, and open the chance for you to come back happier, then so be it.

I hate losing a friend to negativity, but you being and feeling well is paramount

Thank you for the kind words. I just have many thoughts and feelings on the question and they have been building up for the past few months.

The issue is that agreeing to disagree applies to opinions. This is about facts, which many people have been arguing in a really bad fashion about, even going into gaslighting territory in many cases. It gets to me because I have been bullied before and such behavior is one that I fled from on Era and other places. The feeling of knowing the truth for a fact and seeing people here, of all places, just repeat what trolls and people with ill-intent have been deliberately spreading with paper-thin logic behind it is incredibly disheartening.

This is how many of us felt about the EGS and Epic's exclusivity practices in the gaming mainstream and Era, feeling like we were taking crazy pills while others weren't listening to our arguments. This is a very similar and depressing situation for me. This project is something I care about. While I wouldn't care as much about the same problems for another topic, this one really got to me.

What really is pushing me away is the tone of these debates. Meta used to be a place where we at least tried to be nice to each other, to entertain each others' thoughts and be good to each other. The past few months have felt like more often than not, it was emotionally exhausting for me to even think of engaging in discussions because of how the initial opinion was phrased.

The straw that broke the camel's back have been these interactions where I try to argue as kindly and as logically as I can, taking my own emotions out of the equation to be fair and respectful to the person sitting across me while people barely read anything I wrote and reciprocated with often illogical arguments and intensely unpleasant tone and language. Even when assuming I may be wrong, positions were stated with so little nuance that I just couldn't agree with their conclusions even as I entertained their points. It felt as it getting a gotcha was all that mattered. I came out of last night feeling like a wrung-out punching bag.

At a deeper level, there's also the fact that it echoes my own unhappy experience with bullying, with people just repeating what others are saying with flimsy reasoning behind their words. Even if I can understand some of their perspective, I feel really unsettled with how little empathy has been extended to me, to at least to find the one point we disagree on as a sanity check to leave the discussion while feeling like we still respected each other.

It pretty much echoes my own growing unease at Meta for the last couple months, that our maturity and warmth has gone down while people are getting less and less concerned with caring about each other. This is how reddit and social media is and I came to Meta to escape that. I hope that makes sense.

 

[ISee]

Swenhir
Sometimes a break from social media is a good idea. I'm sorry that you feel like Meta is on a downstream, I can't say much about it though as I have been absent myself for a longer period. Personally, I've chosen to not get involved in social media disputes. It's not something I am able to handle currently.


Just know, if you want to talk or let loose about the theatrical ERA Star Citizen Thread (or anything else). Contact me, Ive been rolling my eyes about some of the comments too.

Is it a time miss managed project? Maybe, one can be too ambitious imo, It's something that I often see young engineers struggle with.
Is it doing incredibly impressive things? Hell yeah.
Would I like to get SQ42 sooner then later? HELL YEAH!
Is it a scam? Nope.

(The guy loving Tie-Fighter, also loves Wing Commander, Privateer and is excited for SC/SQ42.... very surprising. I know!)

Personally, I've spend 60 or 80€ on the game 10(?) years ago (I really do not even remember).

You can pm me here,
use discord or my google email
(the same goes for everybody else on meta)

You need to react to this post in order to see this content.

Or I see you some time later, when you decide to come back. May it be a week or longer.

 

[Hektor]

Long time no post

You are not allowed to view this content

 

[Le Pertti]

Hektor I have encountered that so many times with women who I have a new acquaintance with and getting to know each other, talking about all the things we want to do together in the future and then it all just disappears. I have learned to always take those things as just fantasies. Until there are actual concrete plans.

Really sucks that all that came crashing down around you.

 

[TrishaKit]

I really just do not know if I'll ever be able to be happy when it comes to work.
I went to college for Computer Science because I wanted to be a game developer and thought it might help me learn to code, but about 3 years into it I realized I didn't enjoy coding. Part of this was due to the poor way the school handled teaching it; we were taught Python for Intro and Intermediate Programming and then in the next hardest class, Data Structures, we had to learn C++ in a week in order to prepare for the class's harder content. This completely destroyed my ability to learn, and from then on I just barely scraped by.
After finishing college and getting my degree I went on to work in IT; I figured I'd still get to work with computers and wouldn't worry about not knowing how to code well.
But after about 2 years in this job I'm realizing...I just kinda dread everything I do. I don't want to come to an office to work. I don't want to listen to my awful boss. I don't want to work directly with people to help their extremely easy problems. I often fantasize about quitting, but what could I do? I have no real skills or talents, just a degree without the coding knowledge to back it up. I can't think of any particular job I'd even want to do, but the idea of living my whole life doing something I loathe doing whilst a boss being able to take away my income at any moment should they choose is just...dreadfully depressing.

 

[Anteater]

Been feeling really bad lately. I almost feel like I only have 2 out of 7 days where I'm feeling "normal". I don't think there's a really a particular cause or anything other than just waking up on the wrong side of the bed, I know it's a thing that'll come and go, but it really keeps putting me in a bad spot and I can't stop myself from self reflecting, and comparing myself to others, being envious isn't something I need right now nor will help me improve as a human being, at most it'd just lead me to be toxic to other people and burning myself out, I know that, but my brain keep heading towards that direction little by little and the only thing I could do is to drop everything I do, and I haven't been doing anything productive for the past 2 weeks.

I don't really talk to people much because I don't think any amount of talk would really help, I don't want to get into the habit to beg people to say positive things about me to keep me feeling better about myself, it would just make me feel worse after.

So yeah I just wanted to say some things into the void I guess. Thanks for reading!

 

[NarohDethan]

Been talking a bit about how being on my PC greatly affects my mood. I’ve really grown to hate the feeling of ‘idleness’ of just being in front of a computer, just staring at endless tweets and a list of games that I’m not in the mood of playing.

I’m still stumbling but I’ve been prolonging the time I’m not using my computer with simple, mundane stuff such as making my bed and cleaning around the room/house but that does so much for my mental health.

Been using my Xbox much more because you can’t really go ‘idle’ in front of a console - you either use it or don’t, unless you’re one those weirdos that visits Pornhub on them.

I also uninstalled most of social networking apps from my phone so I’m not tempted to look at them when it’s bed time. I sleep much better now.

 

[Anteater]

I don't really have much work this month, I'm freelance so I don't really make anything if I don't clock in hours. I have some money saved up from last year (I had to work a lot because of covid, the company was doing bad so we have to work longer hours but I'm thankful I got a ton of work, but it also wore me down a bit, but at the least I could say I deserved some rest) so I should be okay, but that nagging feeling kind of suck, because who knows what happens next month, and I'm too tired to think about it.

I told myself I'd take this as an opportunity to rest and do something for myself, but I'm just wasting my time sitting around daily. I did start running but it's not really helping much with motivation. I just want to sleep the rest of the day. I tried to do something creative like drawing again but all it does is put me in a bad mood.

Also my stupid neighbors are doing constructions to their apartment daily, all I could hear is drilling, it's driving me insane.

 

[Li Kao]

Meh, this post is gonna be whinny and very first world problem, childish too. Read at your own risk, but please don’t hate me. I just want to be loved. It’s all I ever wanted.

So I have never bought less games in order to be able to afford a Deck and course correct the sinking ship that was our finance. I just made a budget through March 2022 and it could indeed be worse. The Deck is funded if I can 4xPaypal it and the situation could be far worse.
Two things that could throw a serious wrench : the food budget is underestimated, food price us becoming horrible, and the heating bill in the new year. Last year was ruinous and they already announced a price hike. Cool.

Then I realized Switch Oled is releasing in two days, and nope, can’t put it in the budget in any sensible way. I don’t really care for the switch, but would really love to be able to play SMTV. Other games too, but again, not really affordable.

So I came to the conclusion that I need an income, a job. That lead me, as always, to contemplate my failed existence. And I’m now super down. I’m so tired of not being able to waste some money sometimes, to buy things on a whim. I’m so tired of being a failure without a job, with no future to speak of.
You could say that the Deck is already enough of a guilty pleasure, you would certainly be right. I would just argue that with the no purchase policy I’ve been living through, I fucking earned it.

Just being able to burn some money. Having an income. Knowing people, going out a little. Meet someone ? Not live in the certainty that if anything happens to my mom I may as well hang myself.
It would certainly be nice.

 

[NarohDethan]

Just being able to burn some money. Having an income. Knowing people, going out a little. Meet someone ? Not live in the certainty that if anything happens to my mom I may as well hang myself.
It would certainly be nice.

You very clearly need professional help, please reach for it.

 

[Li Kao]

You very clearly need professional help, please reach for it.

Yes and no. I mean obviously yes, no argument from me, but what can be read as a very dark musing of a terrible act was not meant to imply that. I’m not suicidal, I love living, even a shitty life. I’m just realist about my prospects if my situation doesn’t change and I have to live on the streets.
It’s not a ‘I’m tired with life’ thing, it’s a ‘I will be completely fucked’ thing.

Just a precision because in broader terms, I can’t say you are wrong.

 

[Anteater]

 

[NarohDethan]

So it’s been a couple of days since I deleted all my social media accounts. I don’t miss them but I’m struggling to fill my time I used to browse them with actually useful stuff.

 

[Le Pertti]

So it’s been a couple of days since I deleted all my social media accounts. I don’t miss them but I’m struggling to fill my time I used to browse them with actually useful stuff.

Try writing. Doesn't have to be about anything, just write what you think about different stuff. I find that amazing use of my time. I'm on my sixth notebook now!

 

[Anteater]

Not much of a struggle, I've been fine, but recently I've noticed I'm an incredibly impatient person, I'm easily irritated, it's something I want to work on. Any tips?

This is a bad behavior I've had since highschool, like for example if I had to study, I'd be stuck on reading the same page because my mind would wander off and thinking about irrelevant things, it'd then put me in a bad mood and then I get really annoyed at myself, this could go on for literally hours, until I run out of time and get my shit together and actually shut up and study, I did just fine but it's also a lot of wasted time. Recently I noticed I still have this bad behavior when I'm trying to learn something new, I have to tell my mind to shut up for hours before I could start doing things, and then there's the internet to distract me so yeah...

 

[Le Pertti]

Anteater Yeah Im the same and is something Im also working on right now. What I'm trying is to be more at peace and just try to "feel" positive about things instead of getting angry. Often its things that aren't even about me or not that importent.

 

[Anteater]

Anteater Yeah Im the same and is something Im also working on right now. What I'm trying is to be more at peace and just try to "feel" positive about things instead of getting angry. Often its things that aren't even about me or not that importent.

yeah I've been trying to practice "mindfulness" but man when I'm doing activities that require the use of my brain, it's hard, it almost always start complaining about things when I could like use those energy to just come up with a solution instead. Physical activities are so much easier since I don't need to think at all, so I've been putting that back into my routine.

 

[NarohDethan]

This is a bad behavior I've had since highschool, like for example if I had to study, I'd be stuck on reading the same page because my mind would wander off and thinking about irrelevant things, it'd then put me in a bad mood and then I get really annoyed at myself, this could go on for literally hours, until I run out of time and get my shit together and actually shut up and study, I did just fine but it's also a lot of wasted time. Recently I noticed I still have this bad behavior when I'm trying to learn something new, I have to tell my mind to shut up for hours before I could start doing things, and then there's the internet to distract me so yeah...

You might have ADHD

*I'm not a mental health professional but I'm the same way and I was told that

 

[Stevey]

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[Cacher]

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[「Echo」]

[Hidden content]

i feel you. Obviously i don't have work, but after my cancer treatments I was hoping to visit home in Japan... It been years since I've been "home." Even if I don't get along too well with my family, this kind of close brush with death... it makes me want to see everyone and just catch up...

 

[NarohDethan]

[Hidden content]

Japan's government just doing what they do best, blaming foreigners.

 

[Cacher]

i feel you. Obviously i don't have work, but after my cancer treatments I was hoping to visit home in Japan... It been years since I've been "home." Even if I don't get along too well with my family, this kind of close brush with death... it makes me want to see everyone and just catch up...

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Japan just doing what they do best, blaming foreigners.

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[NarohDethan]

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[Le Pertti]

[Hidden content]

Tu dois apprendre français pour Canada je pense!

 

[NarohDethan]

Tu dois apprendre français pour Canada je pense!

Haha actually I want to learn French but I have no idea how difficult would be to learn it on my own

 

[Li Kao]

Oh you don’t know how much I would love to expatriate to French Canada.
France feels like a decaying pile of shit right now and hey, maybe it could provide the opportunity for a fresh start.

 

[Cacher]

[Hidden content]

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[Li Kao]

A dream I just had
[so read at your own risk, high probability of so what]

Under hazy circumstances I end up in a speeding boat leaving Greece with some extensive family member. The person gets angry for one reason or another and drops me at night in a German train station. I guess we are in Berlin.
I have no way of contacting my family and so must plead my case in English to a young woman leaving the station. Maybe I could use here phone ?
She then takes me under her wing and presents me the world of the night. The city under the city. She brings me in a small restaurant, kitchen-side, where they cook me a meal. Her activity is unclear, is she a 'girl of the night' ? Our relation evolves with the dream, I dare put my hand around her hip one time, then takes her hand in another.
During all these tribulations I make myself understood using my rusty English, and I think that, if it's not clearly stated, it is evident that by the end I know that I have found my true home, my place in the world. My hand around her hip.

I like this dream. It shows how pathetic I am for longing for such basic pleasures. It also to me shows that they are far more than basic. I have always had a fusional understanding of love, I'm more or less convinced that the philosophical concept of androgyny is a perfect illustration of true love.
And I have been known to say that the world only has value, or true value, not though our own perception but through the eyes of our loved ones.
My greatest wish is to live in this dream.

 

[ExistentialThought]

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[Anteater]

I haven't had the motivation to do stuff in like a month, I still occasionally have a day or two where I feel "normal" and pick up my pen to do some doodling, I'm better at focusing lately, but they're few and far between, I always think I'll try harder the next day but I never do, perhaps I just expect too much from myself and getting overwhelmed by it because there's just a lot to learn.

I'm probably going to have to fix my schedule or I'll be in this slump forever. I have time but I'm wasting all of it.

 

[「Echo」]

I am struggling with schedule stuff too. I try to have normal day/night cycles, but the medical stuff is just wrecking me, and stress is giving me a pretty bad Crohn's flare. I'm very fatigued and hurting all over, my bones and joints... So I sleep and sleep, than I accidentally oversleep and I tell myself I have to get up but it's hard to build motivation so I lay there and accidentally fall asleep again screwing myself even more. I stayed in bed for a full 24-hours, which didn't help my aches and pains at all. I missed my meds and didn't eat or drink so of course all that is bad... Especially cuz i'm already struggling to maintain a healthy weight. I'm worried and stressing if I will dip into underweight territory again and need injections for malnutrition again. I'm finding it very hard to eat on Chemo, and nerves and stress are a big looping problems as well. The other day when I got dressed, my skinny jeans were loose... that definitely to me says I'm losing weight again which just has me so scared.


I also miss my friends and stuff. It's unfortunate. I know that I have become... difficult, and miserable to a degree due to the cancer and other medical stuff going on. My schedule is unpredictable. I'm just not really fun to be around I think, and so a lot of friends don't bother with me anymore. But I miss them...

 

[Cacher]

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[Li Kao]

Hmm, luck has really been on my side since yesterday in fact (more broadly, you could make a point saying the last few months were not as bad as usual).
But it's complicated, and I don't know how I feel about it. Good, I guess. Very good. But there are layers of conflicting feelings.
Basically I asked one year ago to be granted to status of 'handicapped worker'. If you know even a little bit about me I hope you can understand it's not that far fetched.
Well... it was announced to me yesterday that I was both granted the status, a monthly allowance and advised to contact so special psychological unit.

I don't want to look mean to people with issues (like me, duh) but it's not a great feeling for the ego. And the money is clearly not sufficient to live. I didn't win the loto.
But it's globally super cool. If I omit my misplaced pride it was the best outcome :

• moar money each month
• the decision is valid since July, so even moar money, I guess

But as it's not a life building income, I still have to try to fight my social anxiety. But on that front :

• the handicapped worker status makes me more employable, there are quotas of disabled workers an enterprise must hire when it's workforce is above 20 people.

I'm not overjoyed to have to contact a team of psy, my past experiences weren't great, but on the other hand I have the deep understanding that it's an help, it's a step, but change have to keep going.

So yeah, in typical bureaucratic fashion, this is decided but I don't know how or when it will happen. I know I have more money, I know I have unpaid months coming my way, but when, no idea.
That's certainly a little frustrating but on the other hand it really is an outcome I didn't dare hope for. And I'm more hirable, huge.

Globally you can imagine me feeling like a huge weight has been moved from my shoulders. Nothing changed today, but everything changed.
But there is still so many fights to come.

 

[「Echo」]

today is hard, was hard. sorta. it's hard to explain living or thinking in two time zones 16 hours apart.

I tried to get through as best i could. But i was weak. I missed everyone, my friends. I watched Vtubers all through the night to ease the loneliness. but i made a drink anyway. i was scared how it would interact with anti-depressants, but I guess lonely > fear. Cuz i did it anyway. The sun rises now. It's bedtime, my head feels weird and my heart still hurts, booze didn't help... I tried to reach out on discord to some folks, but everyone is away.

i'll sleep. hopefully the whole day passes and I won't have to think a lot. probably I'll be ok when i wake up. I think so. i hope so. I have bad thoughts at the moment like cutting to reset my brain (i have long history of this, my arms and legs are scarred all up and down) or drinking more until i stop thinking (also bad history) but I can't. Actually i got pulled off chemo recently, and for a while it will be... my body is not holding up well and my blood work comes back bad now. I don't eat hardly ever now. Stupid cancer. stupid everything. Well at least i'm coherent enough to know these are bad things, right?

I'm sorry to rant mindlessly. I'm just lonely and missing my friends. I wish that i did not become a miserable wreck. I wish that life would stop kicking me around so much. I think often about what karma in my past life I did to deserve it all. I tell myself i deserve everything that's happened. I'm just being a baby though, i need to be tough and strong. I don't want to be a bother for anyone. I want to live my life in peace like anyone else, it just hurts a whole lot sometimes.

writing helps though. sometimes when i am stuck thinking in loops you know. to just write, it like a distraction I guess. Anyway sorry to rant like this. I dunno even if it's coherent. stupid eggnog and rum. i hope it doesn';t mess with my medicines too much.

 

[Li Kao]

today is hard, was hard. sorta. it's hard to explain living or thinking in two time zones 16 hours apart.

Well, in my subjective experience one or two drinks don't mess with antidepressant in a big way.
As for the loneliness part, I say this just as an idea, a suggestion that may be ridiculous, I'm not on a big horse or in a position of authority, but why don't you write those friends to tell them that you love and miss them ? Each one is different so maybe it's absolutely not a good idea.
I just want to try to help.

 

[「Echo」]

yeah...

my head felt funny for a while, not quite a headache but not quite comfy either. But i eventually got to sleep and here I am alive.

writing to my friends. I still try to... but the situations which scattered us all... It's really complicated and messy. The relationships between everyone also, is complicated and messy which added an extra layer of difficulty to it all. Still, it feels like I'm the only one trying to mend things by keeping dialog open and everyone else is content to just ghost and pretend things never happened the way they did. Or just doesn't want to... I dunno anymore. I know that for myself, I definitely had a mental breakdown and got slapped hardcore with depression and near-daily panic attacks once the Cancer stuff hit me. I know that this made me difficult to deal with on a daily basis and not particularly fun to be around.

Yet considering we spent almost 2 years of being with each other non-stop day and night. The things we said and what we meant to each other... Just to end up like this. It's cruel and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Partially why it's so painful to stop trying and let it go I guess... I just don't understand so much of it. And I want to try my best... I want to get to my deathbed knowing that i tried, that I did all i could. It just getting so very hard to keep holding on...

So anyway. Yeah... writing to them. Certainly I do try.
I talked to Hektor a little about this stuff. It's such a complicated and stupid situation sort of. idk. it's just messy and tough.

 

[Cacher]

I know people don't like PedDiePie, but I really need to share this video. I am basically in his situation (except being well-off). Resonating with a lot of his thoughts here.

 

[low-G]

Anyone ever feel like the entire universe is literally just a machine made to make you suffer? As if reality is a hell designed especially for you and you alone? I feel like I've been working so hard for so long waiting for a 'break'. Something where I'll hit some stride and things will get easier. Last time that happened was over a decade ago.

I have bipolar disorder, which ranges for me from hypomania to depression, which a large emphasis on depression. In the past I've been in therapy (for decades) and on meds (for about a decade). None of em ever helped at all. Last time I had a period of frequent hypomania was >10 years ago. You could say it lasted 1-3 years, something like that. During this time I made incredible strides. Ever since then I've still been coasting from that period. Still progressing in life. But every day is a monumental challenge.

And really my life's not easy at all. It's objectively hard. I'm functionally quite unlucky (meaning I don't get any kind of strokes of luck, and when sometimes comes down to chance I objectively get the shorter stick).

Now I recognize things can always be worse, but I really feel very little gratitude in life and struggle greatly to recognize anything to be grateful for.

Then just pile on top of all my own woes how I feel about the state of the world, where things are headed. At best I hope for a time where maybe I'll have some kind of luck again. That something or a bunch of things will go right for me and make my burden less.

Anyways, I don't know if it feels better to rant now. But I figured I'd roll the dice and give it a shot.

 

[Le Pertti]

If some of you remember that every year I need to reapply for social and medical security and every year there have been lots of problems and stress with it... except this year! Everything went smoothly as butter. Not only that but I feel really good in general hell even could say I am happy.

And that kind of scares me because I am waiting for the drop.

 

[low-G]

And that kind of scares me because I am waiting for the drop.

That feeling is always a good sign that I'm happy too, hah.

 

[「Echo」]

this is just a small kinda thing. Tonight I buyed one of these bad boys:

I am a person that likes to have a structured and routine day. Surprises scare me or frustrate me and contribute to my anxiety. I like to have all my duckies in a row, and feel like my time is controlled and neat. This leads me to checklisting in my head all day everyday. My daily chores, my medicines, my food prep, and even my leisure time. But the truth is, it's been hard to keep motivated and with Cancer, depression, and everything else going... hard to focus I guess in a sense too.

At first I looked at my PC and thought to myself, maybe just a daily notepad .txt? But no... I do that now as is, for FFXIV and hardly stick to it. Well, what about a phone app that shoots me notifications? But this too I ruled out. After all, you just swipe it away and poof. So I thought it must be something physical. And I found this, I will hang it right next to my desk in my peripheral vision so I always see it and am aware of it! If I keep track of my daily wants and lists this way, I can physically track my progress and go through the process of updating my board each night before bed. (Which I think will feel rewarding?)

Anyway... maybe this is silly. But I hope this small thing can help me with motivation and clearing some of my goals!! I felt that I wanted to share this. Maybe it will be a good idea for others also...

 

[low-G]

Anyway... maybe this is silly. But I hope this small thing can help me with motivation and clearing some of my goals!! I felt that I wanted to share this. Maybe it will be a good idea for others also...

I think for a lot of people, physical todo lists like this are really important, and a lot of people that aren't struggling do use a whiteboard for that stuff too.

About 15 years ago I would have major anxiety because my mind would fill with things I had to or wanted to do, and if I forgot one, just forgetting would bother me for hours or days. So I started writing any thought like this on paper.

When I went to college, I started using an agenda (which breaks things down per hour, as well as having a weekly space too), and I now use that for important and time critical stuff. But I still take lots of notes elsewhere too.

For me it wasn't just motivational but critical.

 

[TheRumble]

Not sure if it's okay to post about drug use here but I was going through the lulls of the pandemic lockdown for all of 2020 and decided to take a heroic dose of psychdelic mushrooms at one point late in that year. I took 5 grams to start and then as I was peaking, took another 5 grams. The trip lasted around 8 hours.

I've done mushrooms before but that was the first time I did that much in one go. It was a wild and exhausting trip with a ton of crazy hallucinations (audio and visual).

When it was done the next morning, I felt re-energized and the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I ended up going for a long walk - about 2 hours, and came out of it with a new appreciation for everything in my life. Since then I do a heroic dose of mushrooms every few months to reset my mind. It's been great.

Not saying mushrooms are the cure all for anyone but for me they were a godsend.

 

[low-G]

Not sure if it's okay to post about drug use here but I was going through the lulls of the pandemic lockdown for all of 2020 and decided to take a heroic dose of psychdelic mushrooms at one point late in that year. I took 5 grams to start and then as I was peaking, took another 5 grams. The trip lasted around 8 hours.

I've done mushrooms before but that was the first time I did that much in one go. It was a wild and exhausting trip with a ton of crazy hallucinations (audio and visual).

When it was done the next morning, I felt re-energized and the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I ended up going for a long walk - about 2 hours, and came out of it with a new appreciation for everything in my life. Since then I do a heroic dose of mushrooms every few months to reset my mind. It's been great.

Not saying mushrooms are the cure all for anyone but for me they were a godsend.

I wish we had a non cynical 'interesting' emote. My belief is that anything that can have a physiological effect will have one (although most being so mild we don't even notice). I've never experimented with stuff like that for a multitude of reasons. I figure my reaction would be a roll of the dice, too.

I noticed my mood greatly improved the middle of this week when I went back to consuming a bit more caffeine and other legal stimulants. This in turn helped me get through some difficult work at my job which further helped my mood. Then again with a roll of the dice, nothing bad happened to me this week after Tuesday, which allowed me to get into a routine and actually have some time to relax after work!

Noted that I got some blood test results and nothing was at all abnormal. In fact my numbers were quite good, which conflicts with my personal perception of my physical health), except I continue to be slightly anemic (again it is at its worse since I was at my peak health... which is pretty perplexing).


What I'm trying to say though is I'm sure basically everything comes down to physiological effects far too complex for current medical science. I wholly believe that what we need to reach our ideal physiological self can be found in a bottle. The only question is which.