Support Come and load off your mental struggles

Li Kao said:
5. Even then, I don’t really play, or very little. I feel guilty to not be a working adult and a miserable piece of shit. My brain is no fool and isn’t duped, it sends very clear signals amounting to ‘you don’t fool me, no escapism for you’.

Basically, I’m so very tired. Invoices, loneliness and no conceivable future. I would like a future, it must feel good.
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I'm sorry to hear you aren't doing alright. This time of year sucks, but remember that it's just a passing thing. You don't and can't know what is going to happen. What's clear to me is that you have mental health issues, and that trying what little you can, a little at a time every day could help you.

Self-help books, finding a therapist near you (which I think are more or less covered by national health insurance), finding something that gives you hope as a path into the future could help.

All the same, your brain is your worst critic and I dare say that he's dead wrong about you given the amount of self-loathing you engage in. I think it's all about finding what is manageable for you, and trying, failing and resting, then trying again.

All the best, you're gonna get there!
 
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I hate to double post after the last one, that is very important to me, but I have had an horrible day.

My mother had an appointment with a surgeon today, to get a nasty pimple off her neck.
1 - My cat just doesn't want to obey, at all. If we seem to get close to the door he stands there and don't you dare open because he will be out quicker than you can say the words. Which is not the end of the world usually, as I have no social life, but is firstly tiring as fuck and secondly, what do you do when you have an important appointment and the circus just doesn't end ?
Attempts to lift him and take him to another room were done, as usual. But he is not stupid and now get back in front of the door quicker than me. And growl at me when I approach my hands. And murder them.
It finally worked by a convoluted door scheme, but I'm a tired. I love him, with all my heart, and he seems to love us no question. But he wants to get out. I don't want him to get out and risk having a car accident. I don't know what to do.

Then the cherry on top. You know how we manage to keep our heads barely out of the water budget wise, always living in overdraft.
2 - Appointment with surgeon was planned at 60 euros. Turns out it was really 50 ! Yeah !
3 - But the unplanned anesthesiologist was also 50.
4 - And the operation will 'just' cost us 220 euros.
I don't have that kind of money. I got out of the awkward moment by making it feel like I had not my checks on me, but I will have to make an uncovered check. They will take it next month and if I don't find the money I will be in hot water with the French National Bank.

No need to say I droned back to my home in a semi shock state, and even considered for an instant to throw my life away. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not really interested in so extreme a gesture, but I'm really getting tired.
I don't buy games anymore, life is globally horrible, but we endure. Because that's our only option. But there comes a point when enough is just enough.
I don't shit money, I don't print it, we buy food, pay for the many vampires who want their monthly due, we pay our debts, we are not bad people. But there is a limit to what I can do with out budget and what I can endure. I started the day with a couple dozens euros unallocated in the budget, finished it at -320.
I just can't.

I'm sorry if this was too long, or uninteresting, I needed to let that out.


PS. Due to how social security now works in France, those multiple 50 euros ? We won't be reimbursed, 99% certain.
 
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Li Kao But don't social security cover all of it? Maybe it's medical security, because the one I have it covers all of it no matter how small or big. (within limits of course) And I don't even have to pay out my own pocket, I just flash the carte vitale.:D
 
Monooboe said:
Li Kao But don't social security cover all of it? Maybe it's medical security, because the one I have it covers all of it no matter how small or big. (within limits of course) And I don't even have to pay out my own pocket, I just flash the carte vitale.:D
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Well depends on what you are talking about. And remember I'm not too hot on administrative lingo.
There are three issues.

1 - My mom earns enough money to not be eligible to the 'Complémentaire Santé Solidaire' the thing for dirt poor people like me, which makes a lot of health things free (with the caveat of a lot of doctors looking at you like you are trash and when it's free glasses, it's free shitty glasses).

2 - Medical appointment are reimbursed ! Only not for us. Like I explained recently to a poor soul on Discord, in France we have a recent system where you have to pay a very small amount per box of drug you get at the pharmacy. Which is fair, but... when you have lots of treatments, like my mom and me, you max out your annual debt, limited at 50 euros or something. And social security keeps the tab for each year and add it together. Maybe you see where this is going. As they don't take the money from your account but just don't reimburse you for visit to specialized doctor, to compensate the tab.
Let's be clear, my mother had an appointment last month with a skin doctor. 50 euros or so. Never saw the money back. It went toward the 2017 tab........

3 - Maybe surgeons are trash, maybe social security is unfair, but the thing is that even with social security and a complémentaire, you always have a special fee added, something that neither of the social entities will reimburse. It's 220 euros for that pimple.
 
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My anxiety is through the roof, I think I'm about to have a panic attack and I don't know what to do. I'm just perpetually stuck in my thoughts. :confounded-face:

I'll go for a run and try being outside for a bit, hopefully it'll help.
 
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xxr said:
My anxiety is through the roof, I think I'm about to have a panic attack and I don't know what to do. I'm just stuck in my thoughts. :confounded-face:

I'll go for a run and try being outside for a bit, hopefully it'll help.
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I don't know what to say but if you want to talk things out, we're here. You can also hide your post from people without accounts if need be.

I hope the run helps!
 
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How about something uplifting for once

E0TfCVTWYAMvVOe

Having lunches like this is such a rare occurence for me it's hard to describe what i've been feeling yesterday.

It's weird how the pandemic, ostensibly one of the worst timeframes for a lot of people, has been such a good time for me.
I legitimately wouldn't have met these people if not for COVID, so that's a twist i certainly wouldn't have expected when it started.

For the first time in ever in like what - 10 years? - I actually feel like i'm at a good spot in my life and my default mood is one of mild happieness rather than sadness. Still some ways in which my life could improve, but i actually feel positive about my future for once.
 
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Cacher said:
I am taking a short break to handle some matters irl. Actually not necessarily mental struggles, but they demand my full attention.

See you around E3. :cuteblob:
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Come back soon and all the best for this irl stuff ! :photoblobheart:
 
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Never posted in here and usually try to avoid these type of posts and comments but I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point and need to vent a little, so sorry in advance.
Simply put I hate my life, I can't remember the last time I felt happy or the last time I went to bed feeling like my overall experience during the day was positive. So many things are happening, everything seems to be falling apart and I'm completely incapable of doing anything to stop this train from derailing. I know I sound like an overly dramatic teen but I can't go on like this, all I'm asking for is just a "win"... it doesn't need to be anything flashy or spetacular, it just needs to be something to make me feel good for a couple of minutes, somthing that make me forget just how fucked up everything else is.
I'm writting this far away from home, I came here in pursuit of a job that I'll lose this next friday and to open my heart to someone who doesn't love me back. I'm here all alone in a small hotel room moving back and forth between self pity and self hate for the past couple of hours. Meanwhie back home my mom got worse at the beggining of this week and I dread to think what I'll be going back to in a couple of days, and as I look around I see no one that I can ask for help or talk to since i fucked up every relation I ever had and never managed to create new ones.
Everything seems so easy and natural for everyone else, I'm just a complete failure and can't seem to do anything right. Sometimes I wish this would just end, I'm so tired of fighting...
 
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kio said:
[Hidden content]
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Just some quick observations, because my mother's back is ruined and I don't know how much time I have before I have to leave the PC.

It's easy for no one. Life is a bitch that way. Some have it easier, but lows are lows and everybody have to face them. It looks like you got a bad combo of lows from the lottery, but face them and as lashman said there will be better tomorrows. You can't see it because you are drowning in the moment, but there will.
And on the topic of happiness, I have felt for some time now that it is a fool's errand. Not because it doesn't exist but because I feel we often think it is linked to this or that, when it is in fact a state of mind (and the joke is we often don't notice when we are in it, but only when we aren't). My point being that you shouldn't fret too much about happiness, its time will come too.

Face those lows, work on yourself if you think you have to, but do not despair. There will be highs, too !
 
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Thanks for all your support, it really helps :cat-heart-blob:

This night I barely slept, woke up feeling like shit and decided to text a couple of friends who I hadn't spoken to in a while to catch up and ask for some help and support. One of them called me back and spent 30min scolding me like I was a child, and while what she said was hard to hear it was exactly what I needed to hear, plus the fact she took the time to talk with me meant the world to me.
First things first, I need to put myself out there maybe join a gym or start jogging. After that it's job hunting time. In the meantime I'll stay busy with some online courses and tutorials to get some new personal and professional skills.
 
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kio said:
First things first, I need to put myself out there maybe join a gym or start jogging. After that it's job hunting time. In the meantime I'll stay busy with some online courses and tutorials to get some new personal and professional skills.
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sounds like a great plan to me! :) good luck :)
 
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kio said:
Thanks for all your support, it really helps :cat-heart-blob:

This night I barely slept, woke up feeling like shit and decided to text a couple of friends who I hadn't spoken to in a while to catch up and ask for some help and support. One of them called me back and spent 30min scolding me like I was a child, and while what she said was hard to hear it was exactly what I needed to hear, plus the fact she took the time to talk with me meant the world to me.
First things first, I need to put myself out there maybe join a gym or start jogging. After that it's job hunting time. In the meantime I'll stay busy with some online courses and tutorials to get some new personal and professional skills.
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I'm not sure scolding you was kind or the right thing to do but regardless I'm glad if you are feeling better!
 
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Swenhir said:
I'm not sure scolding you was kind or the right thing to do but regardless I'm glad if you are feeling better!
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All she did was point out just how far I've come and all the stuff I faced in the past and managed to overcome, put perspective into the subject that I was unable to see because I was in the eye of the hurricane. Still things now are different, I'm older and the constant fighting is wearing me off but she was right in pointing that I can be able to muster the strength to stop drowning.
 
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They haven't logged on since April 4th. If I'm reading the profile correctly. I don't know them anywhere else other than here though.
 
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My dad is going in for heart surgery today. Triple by-pass. Just feeling a bit, i don't know, anxious/nervous. Its a routine op but it still seems pretty serious, its heart surgery!
He's relatively fit and healthy for a man in his 70s. Not overweight, golfs 3 times a week, doesn't really drink, eats well etc so it came as a bit of a shock that he needed it. Been waiting for over a year due to the covid backlog so im pleased he is finally going in. I'm sure it'll all be ok but the next few days will be a tough waiting game.

Just felt like sharing.
 
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Update - He's had the surgery, was under for about 8 hours. They say it went well. He is still in ICU but they have revived him and so now its just a bit of a waiting game for recovery. Managed to speak to him yesterday for a minute. He sounded very rough but said he's ok. Been staying with my mum for a few days. Fingers crossed he'll get moved from ICU in the next day or two and then that should be over the risky period.

Modern medicine is amazing, he's been cracked open, had veins taken from his leg and grafted onto his heart, had a weird extra valve removed and had part of a pigs heart stuck onto his own. Crazy shit.

View hidden content is available for registered users!
 
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Just got a voice message from the last girl I was dating, I got fat shamed, I got age shamed, I got poor shamed, I got unemployed shamed, hell I even got shamed for using social and medical security. Telling me I shouldn’t date.

the worst part is she is right about everything. I know this. If there is something I have learned from dating in Paris is just that, what she said is pretty much seen as normal.

it sucks so fucking much, makes it all feel so hopeless. Knowing I will never be younger, I’m too old to make any real money. I will never be able to find someone to start a family with.
 
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Le Pertti said:
Just got a voice message from the last girl I was dating, I got fat shamed, I got age shamed, I got poor shamed, I got unemployed shamed, hell I even got shamed for using social and medical security. Telling me I shouldn’t date.

the worst part is she is right about everything. I know this. If there is something I have learned from dating in Paris is just that, what she said is pretty much seen as normal.

it sucks so fucking much, makes it all feel so hopeless. Knowing I will never be younger, I’m too old to make any real money. I will never be able to find someone to start a family with.
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It seems like the universe's blueprint for assholes returned a 100% RNG with every possible little variant of nastiness. I'm so sorry, and of course that person is dead wrong. You can find someone to start a family with, and shaming you for circumstances that are out of your control is just being a complete asswipe of a person.

You moved countries, you are doing a photography masters, you are trying to date despite the pool having this sort of people in it. You have amazing courage and this person is a dumbass for not seeing that.

Most people don't know what it's like to fall off the tracks in life. They don't get what it takes to get back up.
 
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Swenhir said:
It seems like the universe's blueprint for assholes returned a 100% RNG with every possible little variant of nastiness. I'm so sorry, and of course that person is dead wrong. You can find someone to start a family with, and shaming you for circumstances that are out of your control is just being a complete asswipe of a person.

You moved countries, you are doing a photography masters, you are trying to date despite the pool having this sort of people in it. You have amazing courage and this person is a dumbass for not seeing that.

Most people don't know what it's like to fall off the tracks in life. They don't get what it takes to get back up.
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The thing is she is not unique, pretty much everyone that I have dated though a combination of the same and had those as reasons.
 
Le Pertti said:
The thing is she is not unique, pretty much everyone that I have dated though a combination of the same and had those as reasons.
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That doesn't make them right. Being right, would make them right.

There is no dearth of assholes on this ball of dirt, and I am under the understanding that Parisians aren't exactly the nicest people around.

I know it's an easy thing to say but don't let it get to you. I myself had met a wonderful partner a while ago and despite being in a very similar situation to you, it didn't quite matter in this way. It was more about overcoming things together than one party blaming the other. That they worked in this way in a couple said a lot about how much of a real prospect they were.
 
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Today certainly was weird. I was still feeling like shit since yesterday. But then I suddenly get a money transfer from my mother, sure that was a nice surprised.

Then I get a booty call from far away all the way from Bordeaux, she wanted me to take the train and spend the night with her, but ticket prices were crazy so I declined.

I decided to delete all numbers from my phone, since all of them were pretty much dates or potential dates. I think I need to concentrate on making that money!

But I needed to get my head clear, so I went to the forest and got approached but a "pro" by the road and it was just what I wanted so I went to the forest with her! A first for me. It was nice!

So here I am not sure what to think or feel about anything.
 
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PossiblyPudding
I will try to be here tonight, but unfortunately can’t make any promise.
I’m super down, sleep far too much, depressed as fuck because my life is in ruins And I have no idea how to get back on my feet.
Please please please don’t take offense with me, I don’t want to let you down, I’m just super tired.

That being said, I will try to be here, I just don’t know how I will be tonight.

Context : decided to post here instead of the coop thread due to the gloomy nature of my post.


edit
Wondering if my second pfizer shot one week ago could be the source of the general tiredness. It feels like a longshot, but man do I sleep. Or it could be depression, which is not a good thing either.
I sleep early at night, wake up early in the morning, pass some time on the PC and yolo, I get back to sleep :sweaty-blob:
 
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Li Kao said:
PossiblyPudding
I will try to be here tonight, but unfortunately can’t make any promise.
I’m super down, sleep far too much, depressed as fuck because my life is in ruins And I have no idea how to get back on my feet.
Please please please don’t take offense with me, I don’t want to let you down, I’m just super tired.

That being said, I will try to be here, I just don’t know how I will be tonight.

Context : decided to post here instead of the coop thread due to the gloomy nature of my post.


edit
Wondering if my second pfizer shot one week ago could be the source of the general tiredness. It feels like a longshot, but man do I sleep. Or it could be depression, which is not a good thing either.
I sleep early at night, wake up early in the morning, pass some time on the PC and yolo, I get back to sleep :sweaty-blob:
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I could never be upset with you! I promise you that, my friend. :blobhug:

Don't ever worry about letting me down. I know you want to be at as many of our co-op events as possible. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Depression is an awful thing that comes in all shapes and sizes and affects us all to varying degrees. As someone who struggles with it quite often myself I would never judge anyone for not quite being themselves sometimes and/or needs a little time for themselves.

Which I will say that's more likely the root of your lack of energy. Any side effects from the vaccine usually pass within two or three days. But I do also want to say congrats real quick on getting your second dose! That's great news! :blobcheer:

Try to relax and get plenty of rest when you can! The events aren't going anywhere and you and I can always get together and play something even if an event isn't happening. You're always welcome to send me a message if you see me on.

giphy.gif
 
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I feel like I owe some of you a proper response.

The last months were hard for me. I was on a constant downwards spiral. Felt like I was loosing myself.
What helped to stabilize me was support from family and my wife suggesting a big tech project. Something that kept me occupied, besides daily chores and work. I've lost interest in every hobby or fun activity I ever had.

So I've installed a ~8kWp photovoltaic system and a 10kWh battery system. It was her idea, not mine. I did a lot of the work myself, like drilling holes, laying cables, networking, installing the solar panels on the roof etc. But I hired a good electrician, that I know and trust for many years now, to do the essential wiring, security, installing the inverter, the battery etc. He also helped me choosing components and helped with the wiring of the panels itself, something that he did on a weekend for free.

The paper work that is required by the german government to bring a pV system online is ridiculously complex. So I also had to hire a "lawyer" to do that for me. In the Netherlands you just fill out a small form, with your address and how big your pV system is going to be. In Germany? you have to found your own solar business, alongside other hoops! I'm not kidding; It's like they do not want private people to generate their own energy.

My energy provider is coming later today to do technical testing and then I'm allowed to finally turn everything on.
I'm excited... also nervous that my house will go up in flames. It's not even my house, it still belongs to the bank lol.

Having a big and complex project helped me a lot. I still like technology, so it was perfect in many regards. Having the illusion of actively fighting climate change also helped.

I still miss my nephew and it hurts every single day. How else could it feel?
My brother is still on medication, my sister in law also. Visiting them more often now.
Started a smaller project with my brother: A proper DOS era PC. Something to keep him occupied and planing.

Anyway, I also wanted to say thanks for listening and welcoming me back.
Cheers.
 
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ISee
I resent your silence during this period. But you have to understand I was genuinely worried about you. Between covid and the horrible times your family is going through, I was worried sick. Now the good news, so to speak, is that this resentment is fading more and more now that I know you are well :photoblobheart:
On a side note, looks like you have a treasure of a wife, kudos to her for thinking about this involving project.

And last but not least, much love and hugs to the whole family.
 
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I have to agree with NarohDethan. I do understand the cause for your silence and I'm not feeling comfortable telling you you owe us anything, to say the least. Still, I'm hugely relieved you are alright today, and I'm sorry about the hardships you went through.
 
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I hope I didn’t give the sentiment that iSee owed us anything and it’s me caring so much about this topic that makes me feel somehow involved when you mention it, people.
 
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NarohDethan said:
You don't owe us an explanation. Sometimes life happens. We're just glad to have you back!
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Swenhir said:
I have to agree with NarohDethan. I do understand the cause for your silence and I'm not feeling comfortable telling you you owe us anything, to say the least. Still, I'm hugely relieved you are alright today, and I'm sorry about the hardships you went through.
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Li Kao said:
I hope I didn’t give the sentiment that iSee owed us anything and it’s me caring so much about this topic that makes me feel somehow involved when you mention it, people.
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Oh no I didn't feel pressure to say anything.
This is a good forum community and I just wanted to say hello again, even if it came a bit late.
It's hard to explain and me being a terrible word acrobat doesn't make it better.

I'm doing better, thank you everybody.
texhnolyze said:
If you're thinking that it would be okay to get covid and die, does that count as suicidal thoughts?
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Not sure, but it is certainly not a good place to be at.

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